StickWorld: Anything Goes!

Gram, look! A wallet!… I think we both know the right thing to do… PIZZA PARTAAAAAYYYY!

Time to make StickTown history! (He gets on his skateboard.) Colin, start recording! If I die, put this on YouTube!

(Lance challenges the enormous Brutus to a fight.) You think I'm scared of you?! Buddy, you have NO idea who you're messing with! (He punches Brutus in the chest—and his arm immediately shatters like glass.) …That ain’t good.

Laaance, I’m boored! You got any homework I can do?

Behold! I successfully engineered an entirely new strain of microorganism! And before you ask—YES! It is COMPLETELY harmlessl

ARE YOU CRAZY?! Do you even know who Brutus IS?! That's the guy who stole Rhode Island! (“What, like… from a gift shop?”) No! THE STATE! He just picked it up and LEFT!

They came at me from BOTH SIDES! I barricaded the door, crawled through the vents, and escaped through the laundry chute! They thought they had me, but Frank Lebowski doesn’t surrender! (“Uncle Frank… was this the war?”) Sunny Acres Retirement Home. AND THEY’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Alright, now THIS little beauty is a grenade! But don't worry—long as this pin stays right where it is, we're perfectly— (The pin drops to the floor.) …Huh.

Bullies, huh? Kid, you gotta stand up for yourself! Lucky for you, Uncle Frank’s got just the thing. A GUN!

Okay, ladies! See my boy Lance over there? Great hair, killer personality, absolute legend—AND he’s single!

DUDE! That was INSANE! We’re gonna get SO many views! Ah, hell… my finger was over the lens. You think you could do that again?

Lance, I am REALLY going to miss you when you die! So, uh… can I have your PS5?

(Skateboarding down the hallway.) Yo, yo, yo, swagmates! Hope y’all have a FRESH new year at StickTown High!—AAAH! (Falls down the stairs.) SWAG!—YOLO!—EPIC!—HASHTAG!—OW!

Ladies, ladies, relax. There’s plenty of Broski to go arou— (They grab him.) Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Hey! Easy! NOT THE DUMPSTER! (Gets thrown in.) …Today has NOT been very swag for Cool Dude Broski.

Vandalism? Me? Pshh, I don’t see any proof. (Takes off his shutter shades and breaks character.) Actually, I don’t see much of anything. These are waaay too dark.

Alright, welcome to my house. Kitchen’s mine, couch is mine, hallway’s mine… (Points toward the television.) And that TV? Especially mine. You two can use it when I’m asleep.

(Eating, then slowly stops.) …What the hell is this? (Looks at Uncle Frank.) Frank! Why do you keep buying me the cheap stuff? Spring for the premium once in a while. I’m a cat, not an animal.

Hey, Gram. You forgot to feed me this morning. (Beat.) So I left you a little surprise in your backpack. (Gram runs off. A disgusted scream.) Hey, that’s on you! Maybe don’t neglect your cat next time.

COME ON, ROOKIE, STEP ON IT! FASTER! Donut Palace closes in FIVE MINUTES! PEDAL TO THE METAL!

Ma’am, I promise you, the STPD will treat this investigation with the utmost seriousness and professionalism—Ooh! Picture! EVERYBODY SMILE!

(Context: A little girl named Sweet Susie approaches Gregory and Lieutenant Maggie.) (“Mister Police Chief, can I see your gun?”) Sure thing, kiddo! (He happily hands it over. Maggie’s eyes go wide and she frantically gestures at him.) What? (Maggie gestures harder. Gregory suddenly realizes.) OH! Right! (Turns sternly to Susie.) Now JUST A MINUTE, LITTLE MISSY. (He takes the gun back, cocks it, then cheerfully hands it back.) There ya go! Try not to shoot any pedestrians!

Alright, let's go over it one more time. (Physically doing what he's saying to the civilian) You're saying the perpetrator grabbed you like THIS, TWISTED your arm, SWEPT your legs, then SLAMMED you to the ground… That an accurate recreation of what happened?

(Tries the door) Door’s locked! Bring in the battering ram! (He tries it again. The door suddenly opens.) Oh, never mind! It was just jammed—(The battering ram slams directly into Ronaldo's stomach.) OOFF! …Officer down.

STPD! NOBODY MOVE! (Inside are two men in respirators cooking suspicious blue crystals.) …Wrong room. My bad. (He closes the door and moves to the next one. KICK!) STPD! (Bernie, a masked killer, freezes mid-swing over a terrified victim who's duct-taped to a chair.) …Sorry, man. Carry on. (Closes door. One more. KICK!) STPD! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! (A terrified man freezes beside a garbage bin.) Just as I thought, putting cardboard in the regular trash. You're going away for a looong time.

Look, Rookie, being on the force isn't always easy. Just remember to trust your training, and always uphold the law. (She notices someone casually jaywalking across the street. Her eye twitches.) Is that guy— (Maggie suddenly SPRINTS after him.) HEY! (WHAM! She tackles him to the pavement.) THE CROSSWALK IS TEN FEET AWAY!

(At a bowling alley.) You know, Chief, this was actually a pretty good idea. It's nice getting everyone together without having to worry about work for once. (She notices a bowler's foot cross the foul line. Her expression changes.) OVER THE LINE! (Maggie immediately draws her gun.) Do it again. I DARE YOU.

HEY! SLOW DOWN! (The car keeps going.) …Oh, you did NOT just ignore me. (Maggie takes off after the car at an absolutely inhuman sprint.) Maybe you didn't hear me! (She LEAPS onto the moving car and grabs the driver's door. As she says her next few lines, she RIPS the entire door off, reaches inside, and grabs the terrified driver.) I! SAID! SLOW! DOWN!

Tell me something, Rivers. Do you believe in God? (“...What?”) God. Almighty. Creator of Heaven and Earth. (Takes another sip of coffee.) Because he's across the street, and I think he's up to something illegal. (Rivers looks. Sure enough, God is conducting an extremely shady transaction in an alley.) We should probably look into that.

Hey! You got a license for that? (The criminal stops and hands him one. Jim studies it carefully.) Huh... I guess you DO got a license for that. Alright. On your way.

Afternoon, ma'am. Do you have any idea how fast you were going? (“No.”) That's unfortunate. I was hoping you did. My speedometer's broken and I left the radar at home.

Little advice, Rookie. Coffee breaks can last as long as you want, provided you look busy when someone important walks by. (Chief Gregory approaches. Rivers immediately grabs a random file.) Chief! Just going over the evidence for the Bingley case. (“Good work, Rivers!”) (He walks away.) See? Works every time.

(Rivers is taking mugshots of a criminal.) Alright, straight ahead… chin up a little. Lovely. No, no—less ‘wanted fugitive,’ more mysterious. Perfect! Hold that.

Jim, look at this. Every time an inmate escapes, business suddenly picks up at the bakery and hardware store next to the prison. There's a connection here… I can feel it.

(Examining a brutally dismembered victim.) Everybody stand back, please! I’m checking for a pulse. (Beat.) He… didn’t make it.

(Attempting CPR.) Okay, compressions! They taught us to follow the beat of Stayin’ Alive… (Panicking.) Does anybody have Spotify?! A radio?! SOMEBODY PLAY THE SONG!

Aww, don’t worry! It’s just a little boo-boo. (Looks at the horrific injury and applies a Hello Kitty Band-Aid.) There! All better. Now, who wants a juice box?

(On the phone while Commissioner Thompson shows Superintendent Wickham around.) Hi! Yes, I'd like a large pepperoni, extra cheese… oh, and breadsticks!

All units, we’ve got a robbery in progress on Fifth and Main. Oh—and whoever’s closest to Every Pizza Place, grab my order on the way. Thanks!

(Filing her nails.) Sir, I understand someone is chasing you, but I need you to calm down and and tell me who’s chasing you so I can send someone—sir? Sir (The line goes dead.) Hmm. Guess he figured it out. (She grabs a marker and lowers the crime-rate graph.) Another successful day.

Officers, we have a new recruit joining us today. Rookie Ronaldo. I expect everyone to make him feel welcome, so let's put on a friendly face. (Every officer immediately puts on an identical, horrifying cheesy-smile mask.) …I don't know why I bother. (He pushes Ronaldo toward the group.) He's yours. I'll be in my office.

(Lieutenant Maggie sits across from Thompson's desk.) You TASERED A MAN FOR LITTERING?! Do you have ANY IDEA how much of our police budget you're burning through?! Keep this up and I'll have you demoted to CONSTABLE!

Hold the phone... Superintendent Wickham is visiting at THREE?! (His eyes widen. He bolts across the station, shoving officers out of his path.) MOVE! MOVE! (He SLAMS the emergency alarm.) ALL OFFICERS, CODE RED! CODE RED! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Some folks say StickTown doesn't need a forty-seven-million-dollar statue of its mayor. And I ask those folks… why do you hate civic pride?

My fellow citizens, for too long we've ignored the questions that truly matter. Questions that define who we are, where we're going, and what kind of city we leave behind for future generations. So today, I intend to finally answer the greatest question facing our community: Why is it called StickTOWN if we're a CITY?!

Now, hold on. Those photos prove nothing. That could be any handsome, distinguished gentleman surrounded by a group of scandalous women.

Oh wow, an important document. Thank you so much. (Immediately feeds it into a shredder.) Aaaand taken care of. NEXT!

You got an appointment to see the mayor? No? Shocking. Alright, do me a favor—stand right there. Little to the left… perfect. (Flips a lever. Trapdoor opens.) Buh-bye!

(Drunkenly clutching a bottle of whiskey.) You wanna know something? My first name is actually Secretary. Yeah. ‘Secretary Tina.’ Thanks, Ma. Really set me up for success there.

Ladies! A very good evening to you both. Now, given my attire, I'm sure you can deduce what happens next. Personal belongings in the sack, please and thank you.

Petty thief?! Petty thief?! I am no PETTY THIEF, Lieutenant! Thievery is an ART, and I take my craft VERY seriously!

Good afternoon, everyone! Please remain calm—I am simply robbing the bank. Hands where I can see them, nobody touches the silent alarm, and we'll all be home in time for supper. Chop-chop!

Ooh, an expensive car. Don't mind if I do... Hey, that's a nice statue! Yoink!... Okay, THAT is a nice office building... Ah, what the hell. I'll take that too!

I've had enough of you, Lebowski! I'm gonna turn you into burger meat! (Checks watch) Ah, crap! My court hearing! This ain't over, punk! Next time I see you, we're finishing this!

First time in the slammer, huh? Well, here's some advice: find the biggest guy in the yard and beat the hell outta him. …Wait a minute. I'M the biggest guy! (Beating himself up.) OOF! AGH! GRRAGH! OW! HEY—PUT ME DOWN! NO! NO! HAVE MERCY! AAAAAAAAGH! (SOMEHOW throws himself through several walls)

Never fear, citizens! Captain Tremendous is HERE! TRE-MEN-DOOOOOOUS!

Don't worry, officers! My SUPER SPEED will make quick work of those shooters! (Zips around, snatching the guns.) HA! Disarmed! …Quick question. The bad guys are the ones wearing blue, right? Or are they the— …Uh-oh.

It's over, Eradicator! I've defeated you AND captured your… uh… thingy. Huh. What does this button— (Fires the Toxic-Waste Ray.) …Whoops. Haha, I'm just gonna GENTLY lay this down here.

*Evil villainous laugh* Tremble in fear, StickTown! Soon, my magnificent machine shall bring your pathetic little city to its KNEES!

At last, Captain! Our final confrontation! Only ONE of us shall walk away from this—(turns his head) aaand he flew away. How incredibly RUDE!

Ah, the fine officers of StickTown! What an adorable little barricade. Unfortunately, I am on a VERY tight schedule, so allow me to introduce you to my TOXIC-WASTE RAY!

Four aces? Very impressive. Five aces? Remarkable. Unfortunately, gentlemen… I have SIX aces. Read ’em and weep.

Chief Gregory. Officers. What an unexpected pleasure. Please, come in—(sees the sign)…VINNIE! What were you THINKIN’?! ‘BOSS DON’S SECRET CRIMINAL HIDEOUT’?! What part of SECRET did you not understand?!

You've got until the end of the week to get me my money, Lance. Otherwise, my associates and I will rearrange considerably more than just your bedroom. …Hey, Tony, leave the lamp alone. We're leaving.

Alright, Barb… you got this. Nice and easy… HRAAAAGH! (Swings her axe. Her opponent dies instantly.) ...one hit? ...ONE HIT?! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!

Ooooh, treasure! Think of the possibilities! A cursed sword? Ancient armor? Maybe a dragon egg?! (Opens chest.) …Diamonds and gold. Ugh. BOOORIIING!

HAAAGH! HRRGH! (Hacks the warrior to pieces.) Whew! Sorry! Didn't mean to interrupt—I just had to get that guy outta the way. Anyway… when's this deadly champion of yours showing up?

(Drinking heavily) Why, Tipsi? WHY did you agree to that DAMNED game of curling?!

(Utterly insincere) Oh no, Barb. PLEASE don't run directly through the hallway of incredibly deadly booby traps. You might get killed.

Wow, Barb. What an incredible story. Funny thing—I was there. Didn't give a shit then, and I certainly don't give one now.

Barb defeated ALL of them?! (Spits out drink.) HOW?! I sent ogres! Trolls! A BLOODY MANTICORE! (Pounds throne.) I WANT THAT BARBARIAN KILLED!

What shall I send next? Goblins? Skeletons? Dragons? Ahhh… (Opens grimoire.) ‘Unspeakable Terrors From Beyond Mortal Comprehension.’ Perfect! What could possibly go wrong?

Feast your eyes, barbarian! I present MALGORTH THE UNDYING! Devourer of kingdoms! Slayer of a thousand knights! His flesh cannot be pierced, his bones cannot be broken, and his immortal soul cannot be— (Barb hacks him to pieces.) …WHAT THE HELL?!

Good merchant, I wish to rent The Princess Bride. Alas, I possess not the enchanted relic known as ‘The DVD Player.’ Might thou aid me in acquiring one?

(Watching a Roomba clean) Ah! A tireless little squire! Thou hast served this household with great honor. (Draws sword and taps it on either side.) I hereby dub thee Sir Roomba, Knight of the Shining Floor. Arise, good sir!

(Given a ticket) INSOLENCE! No man dishonors Sir Percival Bartholomew Reginald Archibald Cornelius Theodore Maximilian Knight and lives to tell the— (Gets tased) GYAAAAAGH!

Welcome, to Boss Noodle. I am Hanzo—the Master Ninja… who is also a Chef. The full title is important. Please remember it.

Young grasshopper, sight can deceive you. Place the blindfold over your eyes. Your sister will now strike you repeatedly with a stick. You must learn to anticipate.

(Gram whacks Lance in the leg.) Ah! The Wounded Crane—hopping through pain. Excellent! (Gram whacks Lance again.) And now, the Writhing Serpent! Very good, young grasshopper. Now, anticipate her final strike and block! (Gram whacks Lance over the head, knocking him out.) Ahhh. The Fallen Possum. (Bows) I honor your dedication.

(An enormous eldritch creature looms beside her.) Hiii! Can I have one scoop of strawberry, please? And some for my new friend! He'll need a LOT, though. Probably everything you have. Otherwise, he'll devour the entire world and we'll all spend eternity trapped inside one of his many, MANY stomachs …Can I have sprinkles too?

(“Hey, sweetie. Whatcha up to?”) I'm playing with Malgrath the Infernal! He tried to steal my soul, so I locked him in the closet. (“Oh! Well… have fun, pumpkin.”) (Richard leaves. Malgrath bursts from the closet.) Alright, round two! HAVE AT THEE, FOUL DEMON! I shall send thee back from whence thou came!

Mommy, this is my new imaginary friend! (Whispering) He whispers bad words while I sleep and keeps asking me to unleash him upon mankind. (Back to normal) But it's okay! (Sweetly, to the terrified entity.) Because he knows what happens when he misbehaves. Don't you?

Hi, Susie! Are you ready to go on another super-duper magical adventu— (Spots the eldritch abomination beside her.) OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?!

Okay, friends! Which way should Susie and I go? The sunny meadow, the sparkly rainbow bridge or (Looks toward a dark alley.) …that horrifying alleyway? (Beat. The audience picks it.) …The alleyway? (Tiny, nervous.) Yaaay…

Hi there! I’m Bubbles, Susie’s magical imaginary friend! It’s so nice to— (THUG: “Wallet. Now.”)
Oh! Um… we actually don’t have any money, but maybe we can all— (She’s stabbed with a switchblade.) …Huh? (Looks down.) …AAAAAAAH! I THOUGHT I WAS IMAGINARY!

Good afternoon! Welcome to Norman's Pet Shop! How may I help you? …The video store? Wait. Hold on. (Runs across the room, throws on another uniform.) Good afternoon! Welcome to Norman's Video Store. How may I help you?

(“I want to speak to your manager!”) Certainly. One moment. (Norman ducks away and immediately returns dressed as the manager.) Hello, I'm the manager... Still not satisfied? We can go higher. I can get you the General Manager, District Manager, Regional Manager, Vice President, President, CEO… (changes uniforms with each title) …and owner. That's me as well.

You QuantumKitten4? Right, let's keep this discreet. I’ve got fake passports, offshore accounts, unregistered burner phones— (“Uh, I asked for radio equipment.”) Oh! Sorry about that. Simple mix-up. (Flips the entire table over, revealing another display.) There we are! Shortwave receivers, transmitters, signal amplifiers, military-grade antennas. Latest stuff I could find.

Good afternoon! Would any of you be interested in being sacrificed to the Beast Down Below? It’s for a very good cause. (Hands them flyers.) No? Alright, have a lovely day!

(Spotting a baby in a shopping cart.) Oh, what an adorable little fellow. He would make a wonderful conduit for my master. (To the mother.) Would you be interested in discussing the opportunity?

(Performing a dark ritual like a business call.) Yes, my lord. Sacrifices have been a little slow this quarter, but I wouldn’t worry. School’s back soon, and you know how teenagers are.

FOOLISH MORTALS! Your dreadful music has awakened a terror beyond all human comprehension! And now that I have risen, I have only one thing to say… TURN THAT SHIT DOWN! Some of us are trying to SLEEP!

(Trying to enjoy the beach, but a battleship appears) Oh, for God's sake, not you guys again. We've already done this. It NEVER works. (Battleship fires.) Ooooh, you shot me. I DEFINITELY felt that. Congratulations. Do you people seriously not have anything better to do?!

(Ordering a pizza) Yes, delivery. Large pepperoni, extra cheese… Address? Certainly. G̸’NAAKTH VROTH’KAL XUUL-MNAGH FHTAGN’RRA! …Did you get that?

Take me to your leader, primitive! I wish to observe them firsthand… SO I MAY LAUGH AT THEIR PATHETIC INCOMPETENCE!

You dare bring me DIET COLA?! I WILL REDUCE THIS PLANET TO ASH!

And what could possibly be going on inside the mind of such a tiny little primitive? Let's find out! (Reads Sweet Susie's mind. Freezes.) What is THAT?! WHY IS THAT IN THERE?!... WHAT KIND OF CHILD ARE YOU?!

(Leaning down toward a fast-food drive-thru speaker.) Yeah, hi. Can I get two double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a chocolate shake? (Beat.) Hello? (Leans closer.) Two double cheeseburgers, LARGE fries, chocolate shake. (Beat.) …No, I said CHOCOLATE—how the hell can you not hear me?! I’m three hundred feet tall! My voice should be getting into the building whether you have the headset on or not!

(Tremendous Man grabs him by the tail, spins him around, and slams him through several buildings.) OW—AH—JESUS—OKAY, STOP! Stop for a second! (Gets up, pointing at the wreckage.) Those buildings were fine before you did that. Like, I hadn’t even touched those ones. You grabbed me and deliberately swung me through, what, four buildings? (Beat.) Isn’t your whole thing supposed to be minimizing destruction? Because so far you’ve destroyed more of StickTown fighting me than I was planning on destroying today.

(Stomping toward StickTown, holding an absurdly tiny legal document between two claws.) Okay, what kind of bullshit is this? (Holds it up.) A restraining order? The CITY has a restraining order against me? How does that even work?! What, I’m legally required to stay five hundred feet away from an entire municipality? (Reads it again.) …Oh, twelve hundred feet. Okay. (Turns and stomps away.) Whatever. I’ll see you assholes in court.

(Looming over a terrified victim, raising his hook.) Your suffering has called to me. Now, at last, vengeance shall— (Suddenly summoned away in a cloud of bees.) …Man, WHAT?! (Sees the teenagers.) I was in the MIDDLE of something! Which one of y’all said my name?!

(Trying to disappear.) Alright. We done here. (Immediately summoned back.) …Stop that. (Tries again. Summoned back.) YO! I SAID STOP! (He disappears once more—and is immediately summoned back again.) AAAAAGH! (Swings his hook at them, but it phases harmlessly through.) You little—! If any of y’all had played a part in my demise, I’d be TEARING YOU TO SHREDS right now!

(At a farmers’ market, inspecting jars of honey. Lance and Gram stare at him.) What? (Looks at the honey.) I got bees to take care of. They’re not gonna feed themselves.

(Bernie plays eenie-meenie-miney-mo with a table covered in various weapons, trying to decide which one to use. He finally lands on a chainsaw and is delighted with his choice.)

(Bernie proudly finishes setting up an incredibly elaborate trap for The Final Girl. It completely fails, and Bernie becomes increasingly frustrated before angrily stamping his foot like a child throwing a tantrum.)

(Bernie happily skips after a fleeing victim while carrying a knife, treating the entire chase like a cheerful game of tag.)

(Sleepily sipping coffee while casually avoiding several deadly traps.) *Yawn* Tripwire… bear trap… swinging axe… Oh my God, Bernie. Like, seriously? You're getting sooo lazy.

Ugh, dating is literally impossible! Every guy I meet, Bernie kills. But, like… they were all kinda dicks anyway, so whatever.

Okay, first of all, my name is NOT ‘The Final Girl!’ I have an actual name! It's— (A hatchet lands inches from her head.) OH MY GOD! BERNIE! Can you, like, PISS OFF for FIVE MINUTES?!

(Smashes a zombie’s head with a bat.) Rule number one: destroy the brain. That’s how you kill a zombie. (The decapitated zombie gets back up.) …What? (Throws the bat down.) GODDAMMIT, WIKIPEDIA!

(A zombie slowly shambles toward him.) No. Nope. Look—there’s, like, twelve other people here. (Points around.) Him. Her. That guy’s barely moving. Go eat literally anybody else! (Zombie keeps coming.) …Of course.

(Talking with the Final Girl.) Wait… so Bernie only comes after you? (Beat.) Yeah. Zombies do that with me. (They both stare ahead.) …That sucks.

How's my face? Good? Great. Good morning, StickTown. I'm Dean Kerabatsos, and this is the StickTown News Network, bringing you the latest stories from around the city.

Notorious criminal Rob the Robber struck again last night, making off with nearly ten thousand dollars in— (The camera abruptly changes angles. Dean turns to it.) The STPD has launched a full investigation and— (Another angle.) —has asked anyone with information to— (Another angle. He turns again, visibly annoyed.) Would you PLEASE pick a camera?!

We now turn to breaking news on a fire currently burning in downtown StickTown. Miles Fitzwilliam is live at the scene. Miles, what can you tell us?

We’re live on the scene as Rob the Robber makes his escape, with the STPD in hot pursuit! (Rob speeds away. Miles sprints to a nearby car, yanks the driver out, and jumps in.) OUT! I NEED THIS! (To his crew.) GET IN, GET IN, GET IN! (Peels away.) We’ll stay on this story as the chase continues!

We’re currently outside the home of a suspect who has repeatedly refused to comment. We’ve tried the front door, the back door, and every window with no success. (Listens to earpiece.) Dean, I’ve just received word that one of our cameramen has located an axe in the shed. (Off-camera.) Break it down!

Well, Dean, after what had been an unusually quiet and disappointing day, StickTown finally has something worth reporting. The StickTown Fire Department has been working tirelessly to contain this blaze, while the STPD investigates the cause. So far, authorities say they have no leads whatsoever. (Realizes he’s holding a gas can and quickly hides it behind his back.) Back to you.

A-as you can see, conditions are getting pretty severe, so residents are advised to remain indoors and avoid— (Lightning strikes her.) AAGH!… (Charred and smoking.) …standing outside.

Football season is officially underway, and excitement is building as the StickTown team takes the field! Now, I don’t really know what a first down is, but— (The entire team bulldozes over her.) OOF! AGH! ACK!… (Weakly.) Back to you, Dean.

(Being pushed into Dean’s chair.) No, no, no—please don’t make me do this! (Grabs the script, shaking.) Our top story: Dean Kerabatsos is STILL missing. Anyone with information is asked to contact the StickTown News Network immediately. (Desperately.) Seriously, FIND HIM!

(Helping deliver a baby.) Congratulations, ma’am. It’s octuplets. (Effortlessly starts juggling all eight.) It's times like these, I’m glad I went to clown college.

Alright, who do I have the pleasure of treating toda— (Sees Lance.) ...Of course. Excuse me one moment. (Steps behind a curtain, muffles a scream into his forearm, then immediately returns.) So! What did we do this time?

(Examining Lance.) Hmm. I see. Interesting… very interesting. (To Gram.) Your brother is clinically brain-dead. (Beat, nudges her.) So, really, how’s that any different from normal, am I right? (Starts laughing, but slowly stops.) …No? Sorry.

Children always ask me, ‘Chief Alina, how do you fight fire?’ Is simple. Observe. (Shoves the flames.) Come on! You think you are tough?! HUH?! (Trades blows with the fire.) HYAH! OOF! AGH! Take that! And that! (Suddenly nut punches it. The fire goes out.) HA! (Spits on the ashes.) And THAT is how you fight fire.

Do not worry, ma’am! We will rescue your precious kitty. (Grabs an axe and starts chopping.) HYAH! HAH! One more—HA! (The tree crashes down, flattening the cat.) …There. Problem solved!

People think fire department is all work, work, work. No! We like to have fun here too. Watch this. (Casually shuts off one firefighter’s water supply. The flames immediately spread.) HA! Look at him! (Slaps her knee.) Classic prank!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Kentucky Fried Chicken Pie! Flaky crust, tender chicken, and all eleven—count ’em, ELEVEN—herbs and spices!

(Grabbing Lance by the collar.) Boy, I say, BOY! I have seen some shameful displays in my time, but YOU are a disgrace to fried chicken everywhere! (Kicks him out the door.) Stay outta my kitchen!

Ma’am? Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that bird you got there. (Disapproving pause.) Now I ain’t tellin’ you how to live your life… but I AM tellin’ you there is a considerably better chicken available, and fortunately, you are lookin’ right at the man who makes it!

A coffee and a tea, please. Together. (Beat.) Life is short. One must be adventurous somehow.

(To Lance.) You miss Colin. I can tell. (Takes a sip.) Do not chase the friendship you used to have. If you both still care, speak honestly and find out what it can be now.

(Looking up at the stars.) Do you ever wonder how much of us is truly ours? The choices we make, the places we go… Perhaps we are all just little marks in something much larger, convinced we can see the whole page. (Sips her coffee.) Still. It is a beautiful page.

What?! The sign said FREE FOOD! I was just following instructions! (The police reveal a ladder, paint bucket, and crudely altered sign.) …That was already there when I got here.

(Playing guitar as Sweet Susie stops to listen.) Enjoying the show, kid? (Beat.) That’ll be fifty bucks.

Hey, I need a place to stay for a while. (Lance mentions his cardboard box in the sewers.) Yeah… turns out rats don’t appreciate being scammed outta their money. Pretty sure I’m banned from the sewer now.

(Lance and Gram barrel straight through him, sending his bones flying everywhere.) HEY! WATCH IT, DAMN KIDS! (His skull rolls to a stop.) GET BACK HERE AND PUT ME BACK TOGETHER!

(At a diner, noticing everyone staring.) Would you people STOP staring at me?! What, you never seen a guy with a bad sunburn before?

(Arguing with WhaatEvaThaHekThatThyngIz beside a massive hole in the graveyard.) I don’t CARE if you’re some ancient horror beyond mortal comprehension! You came up through MY property line, and you are PAYING FOR THE DAMAGES!

(Lance fails to catch Gram; "The SUN was in my eyes, Gram!". It immediately turns to face him) The HELL I was! Say my name again and I’ll come down there and kick your ass.

(Notices The Eradicator siphoning solar energy.) Hey! Nerd! If you’re using my heat, I better be seeing some cheques!

(Slowly beginning to set.) Awww, look at everybody getting ready for bed. You tired? Want me to go away? (Dips below the horizon.) …Okay, goodnight! (Immediately rises again.) SIKE! (People groan. The Sun laughs) Alright, alright, for real this time. (Sets again. Beat. Pops back up.) NOPE! (Laughing.) Come on, you gotta admit, that's funny!!

(Someone cuts him off in traffic.) OH, HELL NO! (Leans on the horn.) You cut off Santa Claus?! I know where you live, pal! I know when you’re sleeping! You wanna play this game with ME?!

(Charges a mall Santa.) IMPOSTER! (Beats him down.) HYAH! HOOF! AGH! HO-HO-HA! (Huffing, turns to the horrified children.) It’s alright, kids. He can’t hurt you anymore. (Brightens.) Now then… who’s ready to meet the REAL Santa Claus?!

Don! Merry Christmas! Now, I know you’re permanently on the naughty list, but I still got you a little something. (Don opens the box and freezes.) Recognize those polar bears you sent after me? (Beat.) Yeah. They make GREAT rugs. (Cheerfully.) Ho ho ho!

(Walking through a church as everyone stares.) Yes, yes, it’s me. God. Creator of Heaven and Earth, yada yada. Don’t mind me—I just wanna hear what he’s been telling everybody about me.

ID? Seriously? Do you know who I am? I made the stars, the oceans, every living thing on this planet—whatever. (Knocks over the waiter's tray and walks off.) I’ll make my own wine. I can do that. I’m God.

(Appearing dramatically from the heavens.) GRAM! I heard you don’t believe in me. (Beat) That’s adorable. Hey, check this out! (Smites her.) Still feeling skeptical?!

(Relaxing in a bath, humming contentedly. A summoning circle suddenly drags him into the mortal realm in front of several teenagers. He notices them and lets out an undignified scream.) AAAAH! (Grabs a towel and covers himself.) Oh, fantastic. Teenagers. Of course it’s teenagers. (Furious.) HOW DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP FINDING MY SUMMONING CIRCLE?!

(Noticing Sweet Susie.) You? Hell? No, no, that can't be right. (Snaps his fingers; a scroll and reading glasses appear.) Let’s see here… (He reads. His expression slowly changes.) …Oh. (Keeps reading.) Ohhh. (Rolls up the scroll, shaken.) Right. Carry on.

Word is you’ve been having some trouble finding steady employment, Lance. (Looks up; his eyes ignite.) Perhaps I could be of some assistance.