Namco High

Isn’t it obvious? Everyone hates high school, don’t they? And nobody stays in touch after they leave. It’s all… meaningless time. So why waste your energy making a book of memories you’d really rather not even have? Everybody just drifts away... Or they realize that the people they thought were their friends weren’t really friends to begin with.

What if you could skip through your classes easily… With no effort at all? Perfect grades without having done any homework, perfect attendance without ever going to class. Wouldn’t you want to do that?

The truth is… There is no "big thing" that happened. One day, I woke up, and I just started feeling this way. I’d go to practice my priestess duties, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember why I wanted to. I’d look around and just think it all felt so hopeless. Even Klonoa, who I liked so much… I started to act really cold around him. I didn’t even have a reason why. It was just how I was starting to be. A little more each day. And when he left... I mean, I missed him. But it didn’t matter as much as I thought it would. And what’s worse, I didn’t care that it didn’t matter. I was losing my memories of my friend, losing what I cared about… And it didn’t feel any different to me… Than it would have if I hadn’t. And there was no reason for any of it. I’m just broken, I guess. I talk all the time about how sad it is that friends drift apart and stop caring… But the truth is, I’m the one who did that. To Klonoa, and to my fellow priestesses. I drifted away from them, and for no reason at all. And to be honest…. The fact that I did that… It’s kind of more of a relief than anything else.

Yes, I have to admit that’s true. Actually, I’ve been meaning to try to go a little farther with my investigative reporting lately. After all, there are plenty of good mysteries afoot at Namco High! You must have noticed, Cousin. For example, the man who oversees our detention- King! ...If he was such a good wrestler, why did he take up a teaching position here? It’s a real head-scratcher, Cousin! Or that cat that’s in class with us. How do they make it seem like it’s talking all the time? It must be a school mascot, but SHUCKS, they’re sure taking it far!

Hey now! Shut up! There’s no call for language like that. I’ve been listening to you jabber on and on about how “strange things” are going on… Just because you refuse to use your brain and think about how implausible those things really are! And now, you call ME weird, just because I use a technology you’re unfamiliar with?! I try to keep my temper under control, but Cousin, really… How would you feel if I called YOU weird?!

Er… Not exactly. We both died. But then… I was revived, and I was wearing this outfit. And I had these… Lifey powers… I was able to restore you too. It was… pretty unbelievable… I’ve always heard fairy tales that if I were to die… I’d come back as a “Maid of Life”... But I always thought it was just silly nonsense.

That was... Really rad. Really.... rad. Anyway, Our next poet is from auto club. Give it up for... Hiromi!

How’s that lovebird special coming-Oh, it’s just you. What happened to your date? …YIKES. That’s rough. Tell you what- it’s on the house.

TIME! THIS WRESTLEBALL MATCH IS OVER! TAIRA NO KAGEKIYO WINS SINGLEHANDEDLY- AND IN RECORD-BREAKING TIME! GOOD GAME, EVERYONE! WELL, MOSTLY JUST TAIRA.

Ordinarily, no. But everything is connected, Cousin. Literally, or figuratively, or directly, or indirectly, or sympathetically, or spatially. BUT ALWAYS CHRONOLOGICALLY. Therefore, with precision timing, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

I eat fast food, of course. But drive-thru only. No one has time to park, walk inside, wait in line, order, wait for it, walk to a table, sit down, eat, and then throw away the trash, and walk ALL THE WAY BACK to the car, AND THEN leave. That’d be crazy! No, you do the drive-thru. And the food can only be eaten while driving to wherever it is you’re going, and you can only drive at maximum speed because what’s the point of going any slower UNLESS you’re on your way to going as fast as you possibly can.

He’s too ordinary. Suspiciously ordinary. UNUSUALLY ORDINARY. And if you think about it, that makes him EXTRAORDINARY. And that’s not even counting the stuff that makes him WEIRD. EXAMPLE! Consider that his name, Al B. Tross, is ODDLY SIMILAR to the name of a student who graduated last year, Agent Albatross. The most logical conclusion we can draw is that Al B. Tross is a secret agent of the big crazy conspiracy. Probably the top agent. Maybe the king of the conspiracy!

4H4! YOU 4DM1T 1T! YOU ROLL3D UP TH3 SCHOOL, COLL3CT1NG 3V3RY S1NGL3 D3L1C1OUS COLOR 4ND SH4D3, 4ND ROLL1NG TH3M 4LL UP 1NTO 4 B1G R41NBOW B4LL. SP4RKL1NG W1TH COLOR 4ND HUG3 3NOUGH FOR 3V3RYON3 TO G3T 4 GOOD WH1FF! 4 G14NT R41NBOW-SPR1NKL3 DONUT TR34T… SO D3C4D3NT! 1T 4LMOST F33LS WRONG TO T4LK 4BOUT IT H3H3H3H3

YOUR WORDS 4R3 HOLLOW, COTTON C4NDY. FULL OF HOL3S… JUST L1K3 YOUR B1G D3L1C1OUS DONUT! YOU S4Y 1T’S B3H1ND YOU BUT 1 B3T YOU’R3 JUST 1TCH1NG TO DO 1T 4G41N. BR34K 1T OUT OF TH3 W34PONS V4ULT 4ND GO CR4ZY ON3 MOR3 T1M3. ROLL1NG UP 4LL THOS3 MOUTHW4T3R1NG COLORS 1NTO 4 G14NT… 1RR3S1ST4BL3… MOUNT41N OF FL4VOR… 1’M S4L1V4T1NG JUST TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T

UGGGGHHH! YOU’R3 SO BOR1NG!!! JUST L1K3 MY OLD P4RTN3R. YOU R3M1ND M3 OF H1M 1N 4 LOT OF W4YS… H3 THOUGHT H3 W4S TH3 L34D3R, TH3 VO1C3 OF R34SON.  OBV1OUSLY TH4T W4S JUST WH4T 1 4LLOW3D H1M TO TH1NK. ST1LL 3V3N THOUGH H3 W4S SO STUFFY... 1 K1ND4 M1SS H1M SOM3T1M3S

Here's the first thing you need to know. I'm just like you. One hundred percent. My Uncle is the King of all Cosmos... Literally. My cousin is the Prince. He's really good at rolling stuff up. Big stuff... Little stuff... Just... Everything. If there's something you can think of, he's rolled it. He's kind of a big deal. <pause> I really look up to him... But I also kinda think of him as a rival. It's a weird relationship.

My point is: I just want to make it out of high school alive. But instead, I ended up here... In detention. This is where Namco High's most notorious... Strangest... Most dangerous... Bizarre... Bloodthirsty.... Delinquent students gather. Or so the legends say.

Uh.. are you saying I should stick to my focus, follow the rules and… Wait… You’re right! I’ve been lying to myself all along. I don’t care about detention OR these RULES. My katamari and my rolling skills are the only things I need! I don’t need their help… I don’t need ANYONE’S help! When I get my katamari back, I’ll show everyone! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL! Ha Ha Ha… HAHAHAHAHAHahahahaahaha!

Ha! And, did I mention: HA, HAHAHA? No, what perplexes me isn’t the banal drudgery that passes for homework at this school. It’s a complex engineering conundrum of my own design! You see, the endo-structure needs to be both supported and protected by an interlocking network of nanofiber units to provide locomotion. And it should be conductive to double as the processing strata to self-correct its own balance across the entire range of motion. I can’t take full credit for this brilliant scheme, of course, borrowed as it is from nature.

I calculated the damage to school spirit, morale, and morals of the entire student body if Namco High loses the next Robot Battle Brawl match against Evil Namco High. Cousin, it would be disastrous to the power of catastrophic. I had to invent a whole new word to describe it: DISASTROPHIC! Grades plummet, tardies skyrocket, attendance is reduced to a handful of students seeking shelter from the juvenile raider gangs that will band together to roam the wasteland and prey on the weak. This is the dark future that hangs in the balance. Heavy is the head that wears the Robot Battle Brawl crown, Cousin.

Hm? Oh, Cousin. It’s you. I was just scavenging for anything useful they might have left behind. SO I CAN THROW IT AWAY! I used to think the only thing that separated player characters from common drone enemies and power ups was our capacity for rational thought. We do more than move in pre-described patterns. We can react to the environment. We learn about it. We can create change upon it. But I was never any kind of inventor, Cousin. I wasn’t even cut out to be the engineering club janitor’s assistant’s probationary trainee. I wasted my life, Cousin. I hereby renounce inventing. ENTIRELY. Today I begin my new life. AS A LAW STUDENT!

WHOOOOOOOOOOO! GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO! FASTER! BEAT THOSE LOSERS! THEY CAN EAT YOUR DUST! HEY... HEY YOU! YEAH, THAT DUMB RED MOTORCYCLE! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

Haha... Toby's fine. I was in the United Galaxy Space Force. I was in the Battle of Baraduke, ‘85… I’m a space fighter.  It’s nice, though… things are pretty calm recently. I’ve been catching up on my stories. You know... This race is very important to me. I've promised to go on a trip... But only if SHE wins this race. But I'm a little nervous about it... I'm not used to just... Doing something. I prefer to have a plan. It’s important to always have a battle plan!

She's been really happy lately. Usually it's just me and her, and she doesn't complain, but still... I'm so glad she's made a friend! I used to think Hiromi was a little morose, but that's not her at all. She's just... very uncomplicated. I was always overthinking, trying to decipher what angle she's coming from... but the truth is, she always takes the shortest path between two points. I bet the neurons in her brain are all like little roads, going the shortest distance from point A to point B. I've been trying to pick it up from her... It helps me keep focused too... to simplify my thinking and concentrate on the important things. And the most important thing right now is this trip we’re planning!

Really? Well. Okay. I know it’s cliché, but I love the part at the balcony just after Juliet does the “Wherefore art thou.” And she’s telling Romeo that she doesn’t care about--Oh, I’ll just do it. Ahem. ‘Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What’s Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. O, be some other name. What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call’d, Retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name, which is no part of thee, take all myself. Was that, y’know, okay?

No, it’s not, but how can I fix my mistakes if no one points them out? Like, what I mean is, look at how I got this part. Remember? They gave it to me. No audition or anything. I just got it. It’s like, everyone, my whole life, they’ve treated me different.

It’s true. I’ve always considered being a spaceship to be a terrible curse, but you’ve made me realize that having a beautiful hull is just a part of what makes me… GALAGA SHIP! And here, now, finally, in this big dramatic end battle sequence, being a spaceship can be good for a greater cause!

Well, don’t worry buddy. I’ll explain Wrestleball to you. Two teams of roughly a dozen players square off the goal of moving the ball into the end-zone, either with a power kick or by running with it. Obviously power kicks are WAY more rad. Anyway- the game begins with a scramble and the ball is dropped at the center between five of the starting players from each side. Offensive and defensive players can use any number of wrestling moves to get the ball from the other team and usually have a signature style that earns extra points. The players can obstruct or knock out opponents when trying to get the ball. That’s the basics but it gets tricky when you start to factor in the ninja and wing players whose function is to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah....

But a powerful fighting heart... Needs a soul of beauty and grace at its side. Beauty, grace, and mutual awesome interests and hobbies. A gentle soul to protect... And give purpose to the fighting heart’s toil. I, TAIRA NO KAGEKIYO, have been awaiting the day I meet... A beautiful, delicate, tiny, gentle, frail soul. Like a single, trembling sakura petal in the palm of a warrior’s hand.

Yeah, alright… I guess it’s about time. So like… a while ago? I was this hardcore samurai dude, and I had this awesome clan of other hardcore samurai dudes. We were like a Wrestleball team, but like… maybe 50 times more rad than that. Maybe even a hundred times more rad, if you can believe that! Anyways, One day, me and my clan got totally betrayed and slaughtered by this OTHER clan, who we THOUGHT was totally chill. But they weren’t chill. They were un-chill. They killed us all… It was mad tragic, yo. But even though I was totally dead… My warrior heart kept beating in my cold, lifeless chest. It beat a fire into me…. A fire that ignited my body back into a hot fury of LIFE, yo! A fire that could never be extinguished… The fire… of revenge.

Acting president Blue Max, please call to order today’s meeting of the official Namco High Military History Club! Thank you, Secretary Blue Max. I hereby call this meeting to order. Acting President Blue Max recognizes Treasurer Blue Max. Thank you, Acting President Blue Max. I’d like to begin with the budgetary committee report commission survey. The numbers are in. There’s only one way to raise the necessary funds to see SECRET PROJECT SUPER PLANE come to fruition. A bake sale. Please save your applause for the end. Now, it is the opinion of the Treasury department that cookies would provide the club with the most favorable flavor to cost to profit ratios. I cannot present this report survey commission to the committee if I am to be interrupted! I was promised three minutes of floor time. I, Acting President Blue Max, hereby call to recess the Military History Club pending review of new member protocols. The Treasury objects to this course of action! TREASURER, YOU WILL STEP DOOOOOWN! Hey, Cousin! I was starting to think you wouldn’t show up!

As we discussed in the previous meeting… ...Actually, this is where having the minutes of the previous meeting would come in really handy. I’ll see to it that we commission a report on a survey for a committee to explore the possibility of formalizing our record keeping procedures for secret and emergency meetings. But until then we’ll have to rely on memory! So, last time we were here we spoke about the designs. Remember?

You mean…I don’t have to worry about hurting myself? I don’t have to avoid confronting my fears by always thinking about military history and lingo and stuff so it looks like I’m totally not afraid to fly and maybe JUST MAYBE if everyone thinks I’m normal then I’ll think I’m normal too and I won’t have to think about how terrifying it is to fly all the time?

Yeah, the Meowkie family is like, totally villainous! They used to work for that Big Cat and everything!

Thought you wanted revenge, Captain.

LISTEN UP ANTI-BRAVOMAN... YOU'RE GONNA SHUT UP

Here's the first thing you need to know. I'm just like you. One hundred percent. My Uncle is the King of all Cosmos... Literally. My cousin is the Prince. He's really good at rolling stuff up. Big stuff... Little stuff... Just... Everything. If there's something you can think of, he's rolled it. He's kind of a big deal.<pause>I really look up to him... But I also kinda think of him as a rival. It's a weird relationship.

My point is: I just want to make it out of high school alive. But instead, I ended up here... In detention. This is where Namco High's most notorious... Strangest... Most dangerous... Bizarre... Bloodthirsty.... Delinquent students gather. Or so the legends say.

Uh.. are you saying I should stick to my focus, follow the rules and… Wait… You’re right! I’ve been lying to myself all along. I don’t care about detention OR these RULES. My katamari and my rolling skills are the only things I need! I don’t need their help… I don’t need ANYONE’S help! When I get my katamari back, I’ll show everyone! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL! Ha Ha Ha… HAHAHAHAHAHahahahaahaha!

Ahem. I wish I could escape... the murky swamp of my heart. Escape the humidity... Of my discontent. Abscond from... The sweltering brown soup of my inner garbage.   Flee from... The shadow of the towering castle of shame at the heart of my kingdom of regret. My body is a meat prison. Thank you.

I am the night... And Pac-Man is the sun! Namco High needs both!

Um... I'M LEAVING NOW. GOLLY, I SURE HOPE NO ONE FOLLOWS ME...

Nyaa… Well, actually, I gotta lot of thoughts about it. Mostly that... Bein’ a Hall Monitor is really, really great! It counts as a club, so it keeps ya outta detention... But you also get to help keep the other kids outta detention too! You help everybody, not just yourself!

O-oh! Yeah! You got it, Boss! Lemme think of a good hypothetical... Nya! Got it! Okay, so chewin’ gum is against the rules inside the school... But what if the student started chewing gum OUTSIDE the school... And then came in? Is it still against the rules? What do you do, Boss?!

Y’see... I might as well tell ya. My family is... Well, they’re.. bad guys. Not the main bad guys, just... Goons. Sidekicks. Y’know, pathetic bad guys like that. My parents used to work for a REALLY bad guy... I don’t even like to think about his name... We just call him “The Big Cat” at home. But see Boss, my parents... They didn’t want a life like that for me. They were, um, tired of being evil. So they moved to this town... Just so I could go to Namco High. Th-they, um, wanted to give me, y’know... A good life. I wasn’t sure I’d fit in, but... On the day they gave me this Hall Monitor badge... I was so proud that they trusted me enough for it. U-um... sorry if that sounds stupid...

When I came to Namco High, my bike was broken. I can do basic maintenance, but the problem was too complicated... Dr. Tomari helped me fix it. I owe him one. Anyway... Ever since then, he's been helping me calibrate it.

I'm not... Much for words. Sometimes it's easier to show a person. I got held back a year at Namco High... 'You don't apply yourself', they said. I feel trapped at school. I just want to graduate so I can leave, but Namco High keeps pulling me back. Meanwhile... The road is always here... Going on forever. I want to take it out of Namco City. See the world. Eat new foods. Meet new people. Experience new cultures. Ride new bikes. Drive new roads. The world is too big… And I want to make it smaller. In order to achieve this... I'm going to become the best biker in the world.

Yeah. You're right. I should consider your feelings. We can't wait around forever, but this feels like the right thing to do.

I know! This place is for, like, good guys. Isn’t it dangerous to let someone like Meowkie in? No matter where she goes to school... She’s still a henchman for a bad guy!

Uh-oh, now you done it, Captain. The shrimp is mad at ya.

MORE LIKE ANTI-BRAVEMAN. BECAUSE HE'S LIKE... NOT BRAVE AT ALL

Uh huh, yeah. Detention again. Yeah, for talking on my phone in class. It’s like, hell-OH, of COURSE I’m on my phone, because everybody’s calling me all the time! Class is so boring anyway! We should ALL be on our phones! It’s like I keep saying! That teacher really needs to get off his hi-hat. So anyway, yeah, Wada-Don and I broke up....

Everyone tells me I’m really good at the drum. But… people always seem to tell me… that I’m really good at EVERYTHING… Because I’m so cute, and they want to be my friend. Because of that… I can’t really tell if I’m ACTUALLY any good at drumming… Or if people are just saying that so they can be my friend. But I want to really be good at it! I want that really, really badly…

I was being such a baby about the popularity thing. The truth is… I liked that you were so upfront with me. You were new here, so you didn’t know my reputation… You just, like, treated me like some regular person. And I thought I liked it, but... It was scary, you know? I guess I chickened out… I’m like, a total coward. I thought if I could make you popular, you’d appreciate how popular I was... And then maybe you’d treat me like everybody else does. But… that was like, a total mistake… I totally understand if you can’t forgive me.

Oh, yeah… I’m fine. It’s no big deal. I don’t really want to talk about it. (spoken at maximum speed) Ok yes I’ll tell you! I love to dig and drill, like seriously LOVE IT, but my Dad Principal Dig Dug won’t let me and he thinks that’s why mom left, because of all the digging he was doing, so he thinks its bad to dig, BUT I love to dig, my name is MR. DRILLER for crying out loud, I have a bunch of drills that are specifically FOR digging and drilling, and its SO UNFAIR! it’s such a WASTE not to dig, but dad thinks it’ll ruin my life just like it ruined HIS life and I just can’t stand it anymore, it’s tearing me up inside and I don’t know what to do! AUGH! <deep inhale>

No one else will join with me, and the school rules say it’s not an official club unless at least two people are in it. I need you to come with me, so we can found the Digging Club together! If it’s an OFFICIAL SCHOOL CLUB, Dad can’t stop me from participating… Cuz for school stuff, he has to act like a normal principal would, and not do stuff just because he’s my dad. So if I can’t found this club, I’ll never be allowed to dig again and then I don’t know… what… I’ll do! Die, probably! Can you die from not digging enough?! I’m pretty sure you can! I read a thing on the… thing!

Yeah… Dads. Always telling you what to do... Embarrassing you in front of your friends… Trying to crush your spirit into little tiny molecules of gravel, even though they don’t have the stones to work with REAL gravel anymore… That’s the way it is with every family! I’m sure you know the drill.

Thank you. We can speak without reservation now that Al left us alone and is not hiding with remote listening devices to pick up on criminal activity.

Therefore as a plausible result of the things I just said, I’d be willing to pay top coin for cheat codes. For my criminal gang. If someone knew where to get them, that is.

Yes. Good. I’d like some. Um. Bad ones. Well, I mean, GOOD ones. Like, they should work. But you’d only use them if you’re a bad person trying to get away with a big ol’ crime is what I’m saying. Like ripping the tag off a mattress. Or something bigger. Like...embezzling pensions. Or committing mail fraud. Or “retiring” from a high paying corporate position only to receive a hefty “consultation” fee from the same firm in perpetuity while courting the very politicians who determine the policy that regulates the same industry you used to blah blah blah

These kids today, with their roleplays and their larps and their TCGs. I don’t get it, but bless their little hearts.

It’s just that you are LITERALLY A BIRD.

Wait, maybe you’re like those bizarre exchange students… on second thought, maybe DON’T be true to yourself… ...and you're already gone. Well… I’m sure no harm will come of that. Yup.

Haha, what a drama queen. Dumb ol’ Taira’s probably just skipping to go hit himself in the head with a wrestleball or something.

Cousin, I come from a place far far away... A place called Marvel Land. In Marvel Land, there was a clock that had sealed away an evil wizard named Zouna. Zouna can use his magic to pwn time itself. Someone accidentally unsealed the clock with a magic key. Zouna was freed, and he sent me to the future so I couldn't stop his plans… whatever they are. Who knows what he's doing to Marvel Land right now... Ever since then, I've been trying to get back. The big clock at Namco High looked familiar, so I asked that bookworm Nidia to help me research it. It turns out that the clock at Namco High is built with parts from the clock that trapped Zouna in my time... So I thought I could use it to get back. That's why I tried turning the hands back. It didn't work, and I got detention. But it did convince Nidia that I need the key in order to get back to Marvel Land... I have to go back. To save everyone.

Welllll, that's okay. I still like you. And besides... There's a battle to be won. Bad guys to pwn. They'll write songs about us! There better be a sweet boss MIDI.

Speaking of which... King has unusually high INT for a Barbarian class. My memory's not so good... Maybe my INT is too low? I probably should have spent more time grinding. Yeah, like dungeons and stuff. I think my memory's bad because I keep trying to remember FORWARD. Professor Tomari keeps telling me I can't do that, but I dunno... Seems possible. And his INT is really high. I try to make a point of listening to him. I wanted to ask him more, but he went back to designing something called a 'super battlebot'.

You know, at first I didn't... But I had the amulet, and there was this person... And we... Combined... ...Into a dragon. A few times. We defeated an evil sorceress and saved my home kingdom. So the first part of the prophecy was totally true... After that we drifted apart. I kept the amulet... I've been trying to find a new partner... That's actually why I was in detention. Building that kind of partnership with a new person... Like what I had before... It takes a lot of work. But I got impatient so I... I started rubbing the amulet on people. Hitting them with it. Throwing it at people. That sort of thing. I was hoping it would just... Work. I started with people I thought were the most compatible... but after a while I got impatient and started hitting strangers with it. Or, um, 'attacking' them, as the Principal put it. It didn't really work. In the end someone reported me to Principal Dig Dug. I don't blame them. It was probably the wrong way to go about it. I've decided to stop harassing people... But now I don't know what to do. With... THAT person... Everything just happened. It was the most natural thing in the world.

I think... That I just got lucky the first time. So now I'm in a tough spot. The prophecy says I have to combine with someone else to use the amulet... So it's not like I can just do it myself. It's so hard to find the right person... I wish... I wish... Sigh... To tell you the truth... I'm not very good with people. I always second-guess myself ...and overthink what I'm going to say... or I spend too long thinking about what their words mean... Or what they might REALLY mean... By the time I get around to saying something, the other person is usually gone... Or thinks I'm crazy. Or I say something embarrassing in the first place, and then it's... So awkward... And if you do it often enough, you get a reputation. I'm such a mess. Who'd even want to combine with me...

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief.

To tell you the truth... Sometimes I DO wonder if I'm doing too much. I could be like all the other students... Leading happy, fulfilling lives in this school. Instead of living the never-ending life of a perfectionist...

Cousin... Do you know the number one mistake most superheroes make? No infrastructure. Fighting aliens doesn't pay the bills. It doesn't get you the equipment you need to defend the earth... It doesn't get you the upgrades you need as those threats become bigger. You're forever barely scraping by, battle after battle, wearing down till you finally lose. I'll never lose. I want to build something for all the Amazonas who come after me. So they'll be more prepared than I am. I'm still young... I want to use my time wisely. I'm going to build an empire, Cousin.

so were doing this again huh

well here we go

hey this whole section here doesnt have anything to do with the game

i mean you dont make any choices or anything its kinda just filler

you can just click through

you dont even really have to read this stuff its just like

blah blah blah heres me heres a little taste of my character so you can get to know me

get ready to fall in love and go on the most incredible fake video game romance of your life

mom dad i dont care what you say this video game character is my boyfriend and were in love

that whole thing

yeah so anyway just click through its no big deal

especially since its just me so who cares

uh i dont really know

i guess its something the original dave liked to do

the guy i was copied from i mean

im basically a second version of that guy

so its hard to know whats actually unique about me

its kind of a drag but whatever

i guess sometimes i do bird stuff

because im part bird or something?

its hard to explain i guess but sometimes i get urges

like some bird seed would seriously hit the spot right now

i wish i had better stuff to tell you cousin

but i guess the reason i try to talk about game stuff all the time

is cuz its kinda the only thing i have to talk about

im hardly even a real person

i was created to help the original dave through his game

and now that im not in that game anymore i dunno how useful my existence is anymore

thats pretty much all i think about actually because the more i turn it over in my brain the more it seems like theres really no answer to that question

im straight up totally pointless

i dont even know why youre hanging out with me because it must be pretty boring to hear a guy just go on and on about a bunch of what seems like nonsense

sorry

i dont even know what im saying really

She actually tried to get me in trouble, you know! With that phony Hall Monitor act. Just because I was writing on the bathroom walls... She said it was “vandalism” or something. I thought that was pretty rich, coming from an evil goon who like, probably does stuff like that all the time!

But that’s more a function of your backstory though. Like, us? We’re pretty much so-so on the revenge angle.

LISTEN ANTI-BRAVOMAN... YOU'RE GONNA SHUT UP AND DO WHAT WE TELL YOU. YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER NOW BECAUSE YOU'RE NO LONGER OUR CLASSMATE... I HATE IT!

Name’s Alfonso B. Tross. Which is totally plausible. Most folks just call me Al B. Tross for short. Or Al for shorter. As in Capone. You should think about joining my criminal justice club. You’d fit right in with that devil may care attitude of yours.

I... We… You did it, Cousin. You defeated the World Crime Police Organization. Moreover, you defeated… THEIR TOP AGENT! ME! I don’t think you appreciate the depth of this reveal. This would be the moment where, if I was wearing a mask, I’d take it off. That’d probably help you process how dramatic it is right now.

Undercover work is never simple. Loyalties are tested. Friendships are formed. And then... ..betrayed. At first I was merely collecting evidence to use against you. But in time… I… I almost fell for the Cousin you pretend to be. That persona you hide behind to mastermind all the cheat code crimes in Namco Land with impunity!