I Was A Teenage Exocolonist Fan Dub

You wake to chaos. A confusion of light and heat and smoke… Fire! Your head is pounding. You must have hit it and blacked out, but you aren’t sure how you got here… or what on Vertumna is happening. There’s something important you need to remember… Your stomach lurches as the floor crumbles beneath your feet, then collapses! Your body aches and your eyes burn from the smoke. A figure appears through the flames. It’s your friend! Your…friend? Wait… why can’t you remember her name? She’s gesturing and shouting at you, but all you hear is a ringing in your ears. “What’s going on??” You try to speak, but the words come out jumbled. Your throat seizes around a lungful of choking smoke, and you feel dizzy and confused. Your friend pulls you out of the rubble. She throws your arm over her shoulder and half-drags you towards the door. Through it, you see a deep, eerie twilight - dark blue and cold against the heat of the fire around you. Glow season… Glowing eyes! You shake your head to clear your vision. Is that… some kind of dog, like from Earth? The creature howls and lunges! Its jaws open…

(childish, playful, whiny) Mooooom. It wasn’t that bad. I climbed it before and it was fine. It was slippery from the irrigation misters, that’s all. Mom always knows how to make it better. Even if I’m old enough to take care of myself.

(loving, happy, wonder) Yeah, it showed up in one of the first shipments of mushwood. Just curled up in a little cocoon. It looked like a dried up leaf, but… warm. I didn’t wanna just throw it away, in case whatever was inside was still livin’. And no one was using this busted up storage box, so… What are you, little buddy? You look like a big ol’ caterpillar, but cuter. Maybe we call you a… dillypillar? Socks. Socks the dillypillar.

(sad, distraught, grieving) Yeah... Uh, I mean no, not really… that’s just what people want me to say, right? Tammy always liked these flowers. Sometimes I picked some for her. Don’t… don’t tell your mom, okay?

(unnerved, upset) She’s been going totally hard lately, huh. She asked me yesterday if I wanted to spar with her. She said it would be good for self-defense. I told her I don’t want to fight. Not her, not a training dummy, and not anything on this planet. For real. I’ve never seen her get so mad at me. She called me a baby, and told me I’m just gonna end up forcing everyone to protect me because I’m… weak, or helpless, or whatever. I just don’t think it’s right to fight anyone, especially the xenos. They were here first.

(curious, thinking) Maybe that’s where their breeding ground is? If someone goes there, maybe we could figure out what kinda animal they’re scared of… if they’re plant-eaters, something’s gotta hunt them for food.

(angry, upset) Honestly, you all fight all the time! You stay inside where it’s nice and dry, and you don’t appreciate how hard everyone else is working! It’s just whine, whine, whine!

(thoughtful, in love) Sol… I… A long time ago I told myself I could never be with anyone. Not after Tammy… after she… Sorry. That was a lifetime ago. I was just a dumb kid, too young to even really know what love was. I just feel guilty… She would have wanted us to be happy, right? You do make me so happy, Sol.

(angry, agitated, heated) You guys think that just because you fell outta the sky, you’re the wormhole’s gift to Vertumna! Y-you’re just a bunch of… fascists! You and Lum!

(defensive, protective) Only for defense. She’s not a weapon! She’s a living, breathing animal and she has rights.

(upset, emotional) Tang is soooooo mature. She knows everything. I’m just a sensitive little crybaby who doesn’t know anything. I hate her. Everyone thinks she’s so smart, but she’s just a big meanie. I hate everyone here. I hate being here. I just want to be left alone!

(wistful, hopeful) I bet you'd like it out there, Sol. I sneak out to go exploring sometimes. There's so much neat stuff.

(numb, hateful, quiet) So I got in trouble for wasting resources. I tried to tell them it was her, but Marz never gets in trouble. Everyone likes her. But it’s fine. I don’t need anyone to like me. I don’t care if they hate me. I hate them.

(gentle, soft, longing) It’s my favorite right now. I always listen to the same album on repeat. It’s… comfort music. I really… like her voice. Sometimes I feel like the lyrics are about me. They’re just so… deep. Like my soul really gets this kind of music.

(angry, outburst) What if I don’t want to be found! What if I want to be left the hell alone!? If I don’t come back, just leave me out there. If this planet wants me dead, maybe I deserve it. Huh? Don’t you ever think about that? Maybe I deserve to die out there! Maybe we all do!

(thoughtful, quiet) I used to let it control me, too. I thought dying meant that living was pointless. But now I know the truth… life is short, and brutal, and hard… It’s up to us to fill it with as many experiences as we can. Are we gonna spend our lives cooped up in the colony? Subjugating nature because it strikes fear into our animal brains?

(sweet, soft, romantic) I… I care for you so much, Sol. It almost scares me, sometimes. I’ve never felt like this before about anything. You can’t imagine what I’d do to keep you safe.

(uncaring, brave) Even with my augmentation, in the colony I always felt like such a coward… but maybe the problem isn’t me, you know? I’m not scared of any of the usual stuff. Monsters, getting hurt… even dying. Like, who cares? But humans keep finding way to control people with fear. Well… they can’t control me.

(disbelieving, upset) It shouldn’t have happened. Tammy’s… what… what happened to Tammy. It shouldn’t have been possible. There was no reason for that holoprojector to break. Professor Hal said it was recently serviced, and nothing was wrong with it before it just-

(dismissive, cold) You again? Why do you keep pestering me? It’s not as though you’ve done anything to impress upon me your usefulness. What I mean is… we’re not friends.

(awe, curious) Human beings are so great, don’t you think? Before we landed, this was all just dirty jungle. Now, it’s civilization. I’ve been learning about adaptability in writing and biology class. The books say it’s what sets us apart from the animals. Like, we don’t need fur, because we can make warm clothes, and if it’s too hot, we can make air conditioners instead.

(exhausted) But as I said, I’m tired. Even my enhanced body has limitations. I don’t need to sleep as much as other people. It’s a genetic… whatzit. You know. A DNA enhancement. I guess sometimes even I forget to do it. I should… set myself a reminder.

(trying to keep it together) I am - regrettably, it seems - only human. Ugh, sometimes it feels like I’m a prisoner in my own body. Like, I can feel myself trapped in it; this stinking, sweating bag of meat and bad impulses, stuck with the burden of keeping it alive every day for the rest of my life, and…

(fond, thoughtful) Elegant, integrated design. It observes the motion of my hands, and uses it to generate an AR interface for my entire field of vision. It’s partly powered by my own metabolism, through the magnets embedded in my skull. It’s… beautiful. This kind of technology is so far beyond what we’re capable of reproducing in the colony.

(offended, defending) Sol, surely there’s a middle ground between eugenics and everyone dying of preventable genetic diseases, especially in these first critical generations. Whatever, I’m still going to run the simulations. Then when your inbred great-great-great-grandchildren interface with my consciousness that I’ve uploaded into the colony AI, I can tell them I was right.

(Excited, energized) Just when I think we’ve got an understanding of something… Sol, this could change everything! If more species are capable of spreading the spores, then the shimmer response is more widespread than we previously thought… possibly even a planet-wide phenomenon! Because it’s a new species, I get to submit a suggestion for its name. What do you think… should I name it after you?

(mocking) It looks like Sol is just wandering around with a scarf over their eyes. Aren’t you a little old for this? I thought you were cooler, Sol. Let me know when you’re ready to play adult games.

(gloating, excited) You know, shopping? Somewhere to spend all the Kudos we’ve been saving up? There’s gonna be candy and toys and makeup and nice-smelling soap, not the boring kind in the communal showers. My dads give me an allowance. It’s too bad your parents make you work for yours.

(appraisingly, proudly) You know Sol, you’re alright. You actually have good taste, unlike all these other nullheads. Ever since we landed, it’s been help with this, Marz and don’t waste resources on that, Marz. It’s boring. At least you understand the importance of sophistication.

(flirting, suggesting) What do you think about the new kids? Most of them are very, you know, soldier-y, and I suppose that’s okay. If you like that sort of thing. Rex is a total hottie, though, and from what I hear he’s… Well, you know. I just think I have a chance with him.

(disbelief, firm) Papa taught me to put on makeup because I wanted to be pretty, like him. But it was never like… cover up your blemishes! Make your nose smaller! Hide your skungie pores! And that’s all they ever talk about in these things! And it’s like, was Earth fashion really about making everyone look as small as possible? What was wrong with them?! I was the biggest kid the whole time we were growing up, and I’ve always been gorgeous. And that’s not just my genetic enhancement talking.

(genuinely curious) Is he as ignorant as he looks? He’s not, like, pretending to be a nullhead to lull us into a false sense of security, right?

(upset, quiet) Oh… Nomi-Nomi doesn’t know that I was the one who started selling things for Kudos in the first place… My dads keep saying I shouldn’t do that, because hoarding Kudos and treating them like currency will cause… …wealth inequality. Do you think they might be right?

(furious) I told my dads about my plan to get the adults to adopt Kudos as a way to encourage the arts, and they got really weird about it. Like, they think it’s a good idea, but then they told me that I should read up about Earth’s history. So, I did, and you know what I found? People suck! The whole reason we left Earth was because trading money for stuff was a bad idea. It made a few people rich and everyone else poor, and it destroyed all the culture, and people fought and killed each other over it… By the time our parents left Earth, almost everyone worked super hard and was super poor, while like a hundred people barely worked at all and owned private spacecraft. That’s so dumb!!

(introspective, awe) That tree was a small creature for part of its lifecycle. You call it the Vriki. Once it plants its roots, that’s where it stays for the rest of its life. The Gardeners spend time as trees too, sometimes hundreds of years. If you do that enough, you start to think like a tree. Set in your ways. When I watch you… when I talk to you and learn about your species… I feel inspired. I feel young again.

(soft, gentle, seductive, shy) But there are no words for the feeling I have, here, when I see you. Like an ache that pulls me to you. I envision things with you that… that are impossible to explain. Forgive my crudeness, but I… I know of the… the biological imperative of all life. Gardeners do not share this imperative, and do not feel driven to, ah… physicality… but… w-with you, I… Perhaps it is this body. Perhaps it is… you. All I know is that I would very much like to kiss you again, and I would not like to stop.

(serious) Sol. Forgive my directness, but you must come with me now. Please trust me when I say I have done my best to argue on behalf of your kind. I hope only for the continued survival of humanity.

(Excited, energetic) Hey, come take a look at this. Isn’t this wild? It’s like our two ships are actually becoming one! It’s like a metaphor, get it? The colony and us from the Helio, learning how to work together. How we build our environment affects how we live, you know?

(loving, adoring) I just mean, we don’t need anyone else. Ever since we were kids, it’s been me and Nomi-Nomi here. They’re my best friend. I love them like my sibling.

(flirty) I'm just an angel who fell from the sky, darling.

(Excited, dreamily) I’ve been helping Tammy take care of the kids. She told me you all used to raise children together, before the creche was destroyed. I woulda liked to see that! You’re so lucky. Growing up in a creche with a bunch of other kids sounds like so much fun. Just playing together all the time? That’s, like, my dream.

(sad, thoughtful) I wish it was different. I wish he was different. Sometimes I think about how we could’ve been friends. Anemone and I don’t know each other very well. Probably because Vace is telling her all kindsa lies about me. But… I’m a little scared for her, y’know? She doesn’t know what he’s capable of.

(double-checking, chill) I wanted to talk to you about something. I wanted to talk to you about... us. Are you sure? ‘cause I swear I though… nah, must have been imagining it. I just like everyone, you know? Sometimes I guess I see things that aren’t there. If you wanna just be friends, I’m totally cool with that.

(excited, energetic) I was gonna give it to Tang. She loves gross bug stuff. But she said I should just let it go, because if it stung me I might get weird mutant powers. I mean… other than the one I already have! And I wanted to see if I got more weird mutant powers… so I started jumping around, off higher and higher things, until I was jumping off the back of the ship! And I got in sooooooo much trouble! But it wasn’t even that high!

(defiant, thoughtful) Just ‘cause everyone else shortens their name, it doesn’t mean I hafta do it! I like bein’ Anemone! But… having a nickname is kinda cool… and mysterious… like having a callsign, you know? What would you call me, Sol?

(upset, yelling, emotional) You’re not Kom! You’ll never be as good as him! He’s dead because of you!

(grossed out) No! Of course not! It just sucks that now everyone’s talking about how I’m ‘becoming a woman’ and how I’ll finally look different than my brothers. Duh! Don’t you start, too! I’ll still kick your ass at sportsball, even with cramps!

(crying) Why'd he have to die?! It's not fair! It's not fair!

(shy, thoughtful, uncomfortable) They all know I’m datin’ Vace. It’s… weird. All of a sudden, I’m like… a hero to them, too. And I haven’t even done anythin’ yet. I train every day, though. Probably like… six or eight hours? It feels good to work hard. Like, it just… wipes out all the bad thoughts. Anything that’s bothering me…

(snapping) You just sit around and worry? Must be nice. I bet you’d like it if that was all I did too, huh? If I quit bein’ a solider and spent all day cuddling babies, a-and wiping noses, and fixing clothes, like you did?! Nice and safe in the creche, forever?

(complaining, upset) …and he called me up in front of the whole squad to berate me about how I wasn’t wearing my rifle clip properly. Like, I know he’s a lieutenant and everything, but does he have to be so mean about it? Sometimes I think he’s harder on me than the other soldiers.

(happy, greeting) Sol! I’m so happy you’re finally awake. Doctor Instance thought it’d be best to keep you asleep while your noggin healed. Your mother and I thought you might sleep away the whole year, my little gooseberry!

(sick) Maybe I’ll go for a stroll outside the gates later, really get a good lungful of the stuff… I’ll feel bad for a few weeks, but after that, I’ll be fine! I don’t have a ma-ah! Ah-choo! A macho bone in my body, Foo-foo. And I have to fertilize the corn and the pixie beans this week.

(sad, trying to keep it together) She wanted to get off that planet more than anything. I don’t think she realized she’d fallen in love with me until we were already in space. Lucky for me, right? There aren’t many people like your mom, kiddo.

(firm, arguing) Sol is not allowed outside the gates. It’s too dangerous for kids. But not now. Not with the… not since the attack, not with everything we know is out there now.

(relieved, firm, loving) As your literal boss, I’m ordering you to not come into work for the rest of the week. You’re on strict bedrest.

(teasing) Did you seriously think you could hide a dragon from me, Cal? I’ve known about your pet since before the Helio arrived. How do you think she stayed hidden so long?

(concerned, nervous) Oh! I'm sorry, Sol. I… I think you were having a nightmare? Are you okay?

(cheerily, bashfully) Oh! Um, hello Sol! I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there! Oh, ah, I’m not studying. I’m making a list of my friends’ favorite things!

(crying, upset) I- I watched that scary movie last night, in the lounge… Well. I had a bad dream where the monsters were knocking at my bedroom window. They were trying to get in. Now I can’t stop thinking about it… I miss being in space. It was so much safer there.

("oh well", trying) I’m trying, but… ever since the creche was destroyed, there’s really no keeping this group together. I suppose they were getting too old for the creche… Oh, but isn’t it nice to imagine everything is still how it was before? I haven’t seen a real baby in years.

(happy, excited, caring) Hello, Sol! I have a present for you! His name is Minky. I’m making them for all the kids I babysit. You told me once that your favorite toys are stuffed animals, so I thought you might like one. Give it a hug when you’re feeling scared!

(scared) There’s something out there. Lots of somethings, outside the walls. I think they’re far away but… I can hear them. It’s like… Squeaking. Super high pitched, really long sounds. Like metal or… like a broke robovac scraping along the floor. Only, there are hundreds of them.

(apologetic, tired) Hey, Sol. Sorry, am I being too loud? I-I can go somewhere else. Shh, shh. Mommy’s got this, it’s okay…

(fondly, caring, talking to a child) Come on, lovely. You're doing wonderfully. She could do this for hours.

(trying to be comforting) I have to tell you something delicate about your father’s condition, Sol. I hope this information will give you some comfort. After your father’s death, we continued to research the Shimmer. Being able to study the disease in its terminal phase - and beyond - was the missing piece. We now know how to prevent the Shimmer from taking hold in human cells. With cultures grown from your father’s cell lineage, everyone in the colony can be inoculated against the Shimmer. Thanks to your father, we have a cure.

(spitting, harsh) Go shove it up Seeq’s ass, if you can find room with the big stick they keep up there already.

(firm, sharp) I know you meant well, but your presumption has cost us three months of work. You can’t simply look at an experiment and change the parameters to your liking. Getting results is not the same as doing good science. Your findings, however scientifically interesting, are useless to use without sound methodological underpinnings.

(excited, energetic, fast pace) Hi! I'm Nomi-Nomi! It's short for Nomination. Oh, this old thing? I designed it myself! A Nomi-Nomi original, based on the outfit Lavendula Starlifter wears in the third season of Turbogirl Hyperjet Transform, when she has to work undercover as the lead singer of an idol group! …only I changed the bottom part, and of course I have to wear my gaming gauntlets. I call them gaming gauntlets, but they’re really envirosuit gloves that I modded so I could play hologames through them. Do you like games? My favs are Laser Fable and Dig Dig Diggerdog. Laser Fable is so much more fun now that we can play outside with room to run around. What kind of hologames do Strato kids like to play?

(cheerful, giggly) Grab a partner and pull them in close! …or whatever distance you both feel comfortable with! Go dance with Sol. I can handle things!

(scared) I didn't make this! This isn't even the game I installed! I must have installed it into Congruence's memory! She's being affected by the game's code!

(bashful) Um… I guess I don’t always know when I should be embarrassed? I mean… I already know I’m stupid and uncoordinated and bad at, uh… basically everything. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t bother me if other people think that too. Like, they can’t make fun of me for something that’s just… true, right?

(leading, confident) Actually, Auntie Eudicot, y’all mind if I just make a quick announcement? I just wanted to say thanks to y’all who are trustin’ me with this job. Uncle Tonin’s left some big shoes to fill and, well, I’m gonna give it my best. We’re fixin’ to get to the bottom of what we’re callin’ the Shimmer - the sniffled folks’ve been getting during Pollen.

(angry, confronting, brave) That ain’t how it is! He’s lyin’! This year, we lost two surveyors in the Swamps. Sorrel and Quinni. They’d be alive today if Lum hadn’t sent ‘em to clear out a manticore den for no good reason! The only threat to our colony here is you!

(Proud) Here’s a tip, from one young buck to another: don’t let anybody ever tell you you’re too young. You’ve been here on Vertumna just as long as any of us have.

(cold, harsh) Thank you for your input. Your concerns have been noted. You Stratos are lucky we didn’t crush you under our boots and take your colony by force. Before we got here, this colony was doomed. You’re only alive because I was merciful. Just a bunch of burned-out hippie fugitives. What was your plan for surviving out here? Wishful thinking? Singing songs and talking to animals?

(confident, gloating) Pioneers of Vertumna! We stand here today not shivering and quaking in fear, but with our hands around the neck of the planet herself!

(arrogant, flashy) Greetings, fugitives from Earth! I am Commander Lum. As captain of the Heliopause, I have come to render aid… and bring you to justice.

(unsure) Well… I’m not one for fighting any wars on nature. Honestly, I’m so busy with living quarters and the kitchens and the creche, I barely pop my head outside these days. But… I do trust Lum to do what’s best for us. He’s a little empty in the noggin, but he surrounds himself with good people, and that’s what matters to me.

(loving, adoring) Sol, ever since I held you in my arms as a baby, I knew you were so special. So important. You’re becoming a young adult, but I want you to know I will always, always be here for you, just like your mom and dad.

(near in tears) I’ve never thought that, Annie. I worry because I love you, and I always will, I’m just doing what I can to keep you safe.

(arrogant) I don’t expect you to know this, but I’m kind of a big deal. Sure, this is my first time planet-side, but among the other recruits? Everyone listens to me. So if you want to make a good impression on the others, you should try to impress me first. The operative word being try.

(growling, warning, agitated) I’m on patrol, bullhead. I don’t give a shit what’s in the barn… but all of a sudden I care a lot about why you don’t want me in there.

(impressed, barely) Damn. You must be the coolest person on this whole podunk planet. Well, hero… come sit beside the king. I didn’t think this colony made them like you.

(scoffing) Even if it was trying to kill you? I knew you Strato kids were soft… I didn’t know you were suicidal, too.

(fronting as kind, appeasing) Anemone is an exemplary soldier, Chief Steward. I know it’s hard for a mother to accept, but we’re all much safer for her service to the colony. And remember, Nemmie, that we exist to protect people like your mother… to preserve the bond between parents and their children.

(angry, warning) Hey! It’s Rex’s little buddy. Get outta here before I have to send him a message about how I don’t want his little gang of dickwits stinking up my garrison. You’re not going to like my choice of medium.

(cheerful) Good afternoon, my burgeoning biologists and up-and-coming chemists! This afternoon we’ll learn what I like to call the Wet Sciences… …Biology, chemistry, medicine, ecology, and geology! You’ll learn a little bit of everything, with opportunities for further study in your favorite field. If you’re looking for something a little drier, try registering for engineering classes!

(contemplatively) Yeah… I don’t like to think about it, but the ol’ girl’s gonna break down eventually. Not for a long while, yet – probably not until you’ve got grandbabies – but when she goes… no one’s going to know how to fix her. Even I couldn’t. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

(angry, shouting) You’re welcome? What did he do?! Race out there like an idiot with his honor guard? Defend strategically unsound positions? Put himself in danger so we had to save his over-stuffed ass?!

(quiet, trying to be comforting) Kom’s death affects us all. I feel your pain, because it’s mine as well. Let’s turn that energy to the field, okay? He wouldn’t want us to stop playing sportsball because of him.

(warning, calculating) You’re not an idiot, Sol. You know what you’re asking me to do. Having the Garrison on your side would make this a military coup. If you learned Earth history, you’d know those aren’t a good look. Why should I support you?

(chastising) Are you seriously intending to extort these young revolutionaries out of their candy money? Shame on you!

(announcing, leading) Ahem. In Earth’s history, Vertumna was known as the god of seasons, change, gardens and fruit. It’s no coincidence that our forebears of the Vertumna Project chose to take on such an auspicious name, in the hopes of seeing future bountiful seasons of humanity. We will continue this tradition of Vertumnalia, a midsummer festival to celebrate our Vertumna, this lush planet upon which we find ourselves today.

(scared, trying to cover that) N-now now. There’s no need for dramatics. We’re a diminished colony, as you see - Governor Eudicot died in the most recent attack, and Fluorescent passed away a few months ago. Even Technician Halitosis is gone. Y-you see, we’re quite leaderless.

(bribing) You’re not the only person with ideas around here. I was planning on making a go at Governor, myself. Unless… you can provide significant motivation to throw myself behind your cause, instead?

(snapping) Sol! Finally! I need you to take care of these deliveries. There’s too many! It’s your job to deliver these supplies, not mine! Quickly! There are more deliverires coming out of the nanoprinter every hour!

(solemnly) The Gardeners tried, but… it was too late. When the crops failed and atmosphere became too thick for sunlight to pierce, the Convergent domain perished by the billions. The last survivors took to the sky in colony ships, and never returned.

(factual, looking down on) Some Vertumnan species have a technique of future-sight, which the Gardeners harness to catch glimpses into the web of timelines. We see that you posses this technique too, alone in your kind. We have foreseen that humans pose a great danger to this planet. You are a mono-culture, an invasive species – you throw our hard-won balance in disarray. Since arriving, you have shown nothing but a willingness to consume the planet’s resources and replace them with more humans.

(cheerily) That's the spirit! It's you and me, Sol! High five!

(attempted sarcasm) Yes, and nobody needed their lifetimes of hands-on experience or applied wisdom. Training in virtspace and relying on medbeds is much more civilized.

(no nonsense, angry) You have trespassed in this Garden long enough. For millennia, I have been tasked with keeping this planet safe from invasive species. Extreme weather, plague, famine, the migration of predators – all tactics I have used to ensure an invasive species cannot find a foothold where they do not belong.

(taunting, warning) Surrender is the correct work, is it not? Something your singular, violent brains can understand? The terms are simple: Humanity will cease all reproduction, cease expansion, and in return will be allowed to live out your remaining lifespans within the bounds of your walls. Do you accept?

(apologetic) Sorry, Sol, could you just put them down on that bench? I’ll take them inside in a minute.

(gasping, in pain) I don’t know why you’re out here, but I’m glad to see you!

(caring, loving) Hold this to your head now, my darling. It’ll help with the swelling.

(light) You kids can finish off this bottle if you like. It's a good vintage, one of your dad's first brews, Sol.

(cheerful, energetic) Let’s start with a practice game to see what you’re good at. You and Anemone are team captains. Pick your team!

(teasing) Hey, squirt! What are you doing up there?

(teasing, impatient) Hey! Throw the frisbee! Stop talking to your looooover!

(child) If you come to practice, you gotta play!