Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Dub

Ahem! Today... I'm going to tell you the story of the Thousand-Year Door. An awfully long time ago... In a strange and far-off land, a big, bustling town thrived.

Chapter 4: For Pigs The Bell Tolls

Chapter 8: The Thousand Year Door

Hey! What do you want?! Get away from me you freaks!

That's Vivian. She's the youngest of the Three Shadows. Max HP is 10, Attack is 1, and Defense is 0. She doesn't seem all that noteworthy. Uh... She is kinda cute, I guess... She might even be cuter than I am... I guess... Wow. I think I might be jealous.

Wait, wait, wait, that WASN'T Mario? What just happened?

Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's...Koops. I heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyway, I, uh... I have a favor to ask. Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just forget it. Never mind. Ignore me. Good... Good-bye.

Da... DAD?!? ... Honestly, Dad... Don't you know how worried about you we all were? For ten long years we all thought you'd... you know!

Wow... You got mail from a princess. That's so cool! So, anyway, she's not hurt! That's good, at least... But I didn't like the sound of those kidnappers looking for the Crystal Stars as well...

Ahhh! These woods are the most wonderful in all the world. Yes, indeed! Building a house here was just the FINEST idea I ever did have. Oh, my, yes!

Eeeeek! No! Out of the question! You mustn't come in here! Oh! Wait a moment... Those darling, squishy little footsteps... Is that you, Punio? Oh, it's been an AGE since I saw you last! You poor dear! Is there something you need?

Mmmm... A danger-filled search for beautiful jewels... How absolutely marvelous! And here I was thinking how frightfully bored I was! It's time for a change! And besides, I do declare... That plush mustache of yours has completely swooned me!

Yeah, but who cares? You guys wanna be champs, right? You want a Crystal Star? I heard all about it while I was in the egg! Yeah! Anyway, I gotta repay you for saving me from old Hoggle out there, so I'll fight for you! I can hold my own! I'll swallow any opponent whole, honest! Just leave it to me!

What's your deal, Gonzales? Huh? Oh! The champ's belt... I'm not sure, but it definitely looks weird... I think you're right, Gonzales. FAKE! Whoa, sorry, yellow dude! I didn't mean to rip on your big, bad belt!

Yow! A machine under the ring using a Crystal Star? These are the blueprints! I dunno what the rest of this nerd-talk says, but I think the Crystal Star powers it! If this paper's right, then the machine can suck the power out of people! Yuck! Oh, crud... You think that King K and Bandy Andy got all...drained or something?

Mario! I'm fighting by your side from now on! ...I've made my choice... and I'm not turning back!

Mario, I will follow you to the end, I swear it! I feel bad for the princess, but that queen must fall before us! And when she does, you and I can... Well, anyway, let's take this fight to her!

Uhhhh... Mario... I... I feel... I feel like I've grown to lo–- Uh, yeah, um, never mind... ...Y-Yeah, I sure do think you and Peach make a nice couple... Hmm hmm hmm... I... I'll never forget my time traveling with you. So... don't forget about me, either...

By Blubbery's blotches! Is that Mario over there? You're alive, old boy! You came just in the nick of time! Get these two out of here this instant!

Just leave it to me, eh? I'll keep these ghouls busy while you get out of here! Flee! That's an order! Let me do what I must do! NOW, AWAY WITH YOU!

Mario, we mustn't serve evil! You must resist, old boy!!! I know Scarlette is watching over me from the other side! I KNOW it, old boy! If I don't send this queen packing, my girl will be most displeased, hm? Mario! Let's send this shady demon back to the darkness!

Huh? Oh, my! Who's this handsome piece of cheese? Me? Why, I'm Ms. Mowz, the globe-trotting thief! Heard of me, sweetie?

Oh, hang on! This looks like spilled stew on the carpet! How marvelous! We can just follow the drops to the thief! It might even be the same person that wrote the sticky, yummy threat, dearie! …What makes me say that? It takes a thief to find a thief, sweetie!

We've finally got all seven Crystal Stars! Fantastic! Now we can open the Thousand-Year Door! Mmm, but… We still don't know where Peach is…

Er, Mario... A word with you? I'm not exactly confident we can trust this...box. I think it may be best not to mention we're looking for the Crystal Stars. ...Well, drat. I just said it out loud! What's wrong with me?

All right! It's settled! Off to Petal Meadows you two go! If Princess Peach indeed went there, your first priority must be to catch up to her. Collecting the Crystal Stars is a means to an end...and that end is Princess Peach!

Yes, I recommend you do just that. And find it before the princess's captors do! But don't be hasty! If you're low on items or health, drop by the shop and inn first.

Finally! I have a minute without Toadsworth watching over me! He's so paranoid! I come all the way here on holiday...only to be stuck with Toadsworth! It's so stifling! Once in a while I'd like the chance to look around on my own and see what I want. But...now that I'm doing it, all I see is that this town has a very...umm...distinct flavor...

Love... How do I explain? Love tells you when you want to be with a person forever. It makes you feel happy just to see that person happy, smiling...having fun. When you love someone, you will do anything to help when he or she is in trouble.

'Comprehend' love? Love's not something you comprehend, TEC. You feel it.

Hey, Bro! Check it out! A letter from Princess Peach arrived for you! I'll just read it to you, how's that sound? Ahem! Now let's see here...

We don't get so much mail, so I was thinking: 'Huh?' This is what the letter said: 'Sirs! My name is Crepe. I am a cabinet minister in the far-off Waffle Kingdom. Our land has been attacked by the Chestnut King, who took our Princess Eclair. I ask, nay, BEG for your assistance! The Waffle Kingdom needs your skills. I humbly request your prompt response, sirs. Sincerely, Crepe.' ...Well, I don't remember it exactly, but I think it went something like that.

You go, Bro!

Great hoogly-boogly! If it isn't Master Mario! Bit of a coincidence, bumping into one another in this sort of place, hm? Ho ho!

I only took my eye off her for a moment, but as soon as I did, she vanished. You know how headstrong she is, Mario... I just assumed she'd be back momentarily... But at this point, I fear we must embrace the possibility that she may never return.

I believe I'll recline in the inn over there and enjoy a spot of tea, perhaps. In fact, I highly recommend it, particularly if you find your HP running low. Just drop on INN! Ho ho! ...Yes, anyway, a little rest there will fill all of your HP.

Some complete JERK just bumped into me and made me lose a contact lens! I'm looking for it right now, so DON'T YOU DARE MOVE!!! You hear me? Whatever you do, do NOT move an INCH! NOT AN INCH, YOU HEAR?!?

Hey, Mr. Contact-Smoosher! Listen to this… I got the lowdown on a book that can turn anyone into a master chef! I went to the Trouble Center in the east port of town and recruited someone to find it. If you like helping folks out, you oughta swing by there. I'll reward you! So anyway… Did you need me to cook something for you, Dr. Bumblefoot?

Sorry to keep you waiting! I'm not entirely sure you'll like this, but... Go on! Take it, Stompy! Anytime you feel like it, feel free to bring me stuff to cook with, OK?

Oh, come off it, you airhead! I know it's tough for you, but don't play dumb with me! I've seen you walking around town asking for information about the Crystal Stars.

Are you crying yet? Yeah? Sorry, but this thing isn't armed with tissues. Well, Magnus von Grapple has that effect on people. Total, weeping terror. And you ain't seen nothing yet! Check out the power on this bad boy!

Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! Yeah, last version was buggy, so we made improvements... One...two...a DOZEN!!! Get ready for a whole new way to experience pain, you junior–varsity losers!

Welcome to the home of Merlon, the super-magician. I foresaw your arrival. So... Which partner would you like me to power up?

SHA-ZIBBY! SHA-ZOOBY!

Then you may go!

Hey! You! Can you hear me?... You can?! That must mean you're the hero of legend!

Oh, yeah? Searching for the Crystal Stars, are you, now? So you really are a hero. Well, you're DEFINITELY gonna need my help if you hope to get those bad boys.

Whee hee! Foooooools! Oh, BOY, did you fall for it! I BURNED you! What, you think I was gonna help you?!? Instead, I'm gonna spread a little of the suffering I've endured in that stupid box! Buggly-wuggly-WOOOOOOO! You're cursed!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh-hah! ♡ Welcome, Mario. I am Merluvlee, the lovely fortune-teller. Seeing with my amazing abilities that which you seek is my humble job. The light of the shining stars will light that I wish to see. Ah-hah! ♡ So! Shall I see something for you?

Hocus Pocus FOCUS! Caaaaaabra da abraaaaaa! HULLABALOOOOOOOOO! Packapookapeekaboo! Ah! Ahhhhhhhh! ♡ Stars! Show me what I seek!

I cannot see the path that lays before you... Perhaps you should do the things you must do here first. Just continue doing what you think you should be doing. Please, take your coins back. Good-bye... Mario!

Hey! Hey, man! What's up? Who's the hottie you got there with you?

Hey! Hey, man! What's up? You think it's cool to just waltz your way into OUR underground?

Ouch! That was cold!

Bloop! BLOOOOOOOOOOOOP! (Ouch! That HURT!)

Bloobloop! Bloobloobloop! (Would you look at that! It's some saucy mustached guy!)

BlooblooblooblooblooBLOOP! (I'll give him a taste of the old tentacle trample!)

Hmph? Whuzzat? Someone there? Who is it? WHO?!? What do you want from me? I know! You're thieves! Here to rob a defenseless old Koopa! Despicable!

Go on, do what you will...but as you can plainly see, there's nothing to steal here. Oh, I guess I have a little money... Take it, you fiends. And my antique shell, too. Just leave the photos of me and the missus. Can't do without those memories...

Aha! Got it! Hooktail! Hooktail's got what you're looking for! She's this enormous, ornery dragon. Eats folks, they say. You know Hooktail, right?

Ah, bonjour, mademoiselle. Eet eez a beautiful day, no? No, no, no, no, no. Not you, Monsieur Mustache. I am speaking to zee lovely leetle cabbage behind you.

What do you say, my pretty? Abandon zis dullard and come away with moi!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Sacre bleu! Such brutal 'onesty! Such a sharp tongue! Well, I retreat for now. If you change your mind, cheri, come find me!

We're the Rough and Tumble, Battling AND Traveling Sisters 3! Ohmigosh that mustache is... The Great Gonzales! EEEEEE! Can I have an autograph? EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEE! Let us touch your hat!

Hey hey hey! It’s us: the happy wanderers, the Traveling Sisters 3! This village is famous for its clean water, clean air, and one more thing... That big, bad Hooktail! We can't wait to see it ♪

I want to go to the top, too! ...Hey! Where's the elevator, huh?

If you win, I'll let you through to where the stone keys rest. However, if you lose, you will suffer a terrible fate. And by "terrible," I mean awful. Mmmm hmmm hoo ha ha! So? What do you want to do?

Perk up those ears! If you correctly answer five of the following questions, you win! But get three of 'em wrong, and you'll suffer a cruel and unusual punishment!

No... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You beat my cute little underlings! How COULD you? Jerk! Just take this and go! And if you ever wonder, know that I HAAAAAAAAATE YOU!

Huh? What do you mean? You think you'll be cursed if you open the box? Ridiculous! Who would do that, really? Wait in a box and curse folks! A real slimeball, that's who!

Look, if you help me out, maybe I'll help you out. You know, a little I-scratch-your-back-you scratch mine. Except in reverse order. Of course, you don’t have to if you want to. Like finding a key like this is hard…

WHEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE! FOOOOOOOLS! Why, only the most idiotic, pudding-brained dolt would fall for a scheme like that! Oogly-googly-BOO! Wheee hee hee hee hee! Now you're cursed, doofus! And it serves you right!

Well, I came here a while back to deal with Hooktail, and all was well and good... But just before my finishing blow, she used the smell from her feet to stun me, then gobbled me down whole! I've been hiding in my shell for the 10 years since then...inside Hooktail's belly! And boy, was it nasty! Yuck! I'm so glad to finally get out! Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha!

Crystal Star? This wouldn't be what you're talking about, would it? I found it down there in Hooktail's belly. Nice, huh? I was gonna keep it as a souvenir.

Take care of young Koops, will you, Mario? I'm looking forward to the day my boy comes home a full-grown Koopa!

We knew of three of them... Hooktail Castle. Boggly Woods. The one we got in Rogueport. That means there are four Crystal Stars left out there... ...And we WILL have them! Keep looking, so that Mario won't beat us to the punch!

Soon I will have the power that has slept for a millennium... So very soon! And when that glorious day dawns, I'll throw the world into the depths of terror! No one can stop me now. All will kneel before the X-Naut regime! And then I, Grodus, will build a new world! A perfect, ideal world... Yes. A world made by me, about me, and for me! GAAAACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!

Gaaaack ack ack ack ack! With the power of the witch, I will rule this pathetic world! The time has come at last! The world will be mine!! Now! Arise! ARISE!!! My Shadow Queen!

Gra ha ha har! Bowser, the mighty Koopa king, has arrived! Hold your applause, minions! But now that I'm here... Kammy! You crusty old hag! Why did you summon me?

That jackal! Both Princess Peach and the Crystal Stars belong to me! To MEEEEE!!! If I find him, I'm going to finish him off once and for all! I SWEAR IT!

I don't know what's going on here, but I'm gonna put an end to it RIGHT NOW! Mario! First, I pound you. Then, I take the princess! And then, the treasure!

Ah! Lord Bowser! I've just now returned. I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting, my lord.

It's "MARIO"! Not "MARTY-O"! And it's not "Princess Pinch"! Her name is "Princess PEACH"! ...But your senility is beside the point! The princess and the treasures must be connected! Mario's trying to get it all! Treasures, princesses... Does his greed never end?

Mario! You sniveling bug! This is it for you! Mweh heh heh heh heh!

The Three...

Guhhhhh

GUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!

How do we really know this burly fellow is our ally? He might be one of them!

Hah! Big, bad Punio... Listen to yourself! Trying to sound all important-like! You have no idea the kind of troubles we've been through while you were gone!

Hmph! You heard me! I can't say I expected you to manage to rescue the elder... Don't get a swelled head! This doesn't mean I'll accept you as our leader... And it definitely doesn't mean I completely trust that mustached guy, either.

...Big brother?!? Is that my Punio?

Yeah, Yeah, I know... I picked it so I could give it to my brother to eat. But then I got captured and stuck in here, and after a few days it dried out...

Hey, quit it, Punio! C'mon! Don't get all mushy! Everyone's staring!

Ex-CUSE me? You want a ... You want me to give you a ticket for da blimp? See, now, to me, dat's funny ... You a stand-up comedian? No? You oughta be. You got some nerve askin' me for dat. I'm Don Pianta! I make cryin' babies weep!

It's easy. It's nothin'. It's less dan nothin'. See, da thing is... My own daughter...eloped wit' one of my young...associates. Dey vanished...but it wasn't too long ago dat dey did. Dey oughta still be nearby. You gotta find my daughter, Francesca, an' dis... Frankie...an' bring dem both here. If you are unable to bring dem here, then alls you gotta do is tell me where dey are. Then I shall settle dis matter quickly, an' wid what is known as extreme prejudice.

Oh, is dat a true fact? Rogueport Harbor, eh? Well done. I appreciate dis favor you done for me. I'll prepare your blimp tickets. Hey! Hey! You two nimrods! Da kids are at da harbor! NOW GO GET 'EM!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? Daddy asked you to find us? And take us to him?!?

We can, Frankie! The more you try to put out the flames of love, the hotter they burn! Until I marry you, no one will extinguish these flames of passion! NO ONE!!!

What?!? You're after the pirate's treasure because it might contain a Crystal Star? Well, I think the treasure is right in there, watched by Cortez's spirit... Yeah.... I'm sure you'll be able to take care of him, though! You look tough! Besides, Cortez is the one that trapped us on that raft, so smack him one for me!

Dollface... Maybe we oughta head back and try to talk to da boss one more time.

Boss! Listen, I don't care what you do to me! I deserve it all for bein' disloyal! But you gotta forgive her. Forgive your daughter, Boss! Dat's all I ask.

Dad! ...No! Wait, I mean... BOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hooooo-WEEEEEEE! Champ! That was a grade-A whuppin'! Yer thoughts on the match?!

GREAT GALLOPIN' GULPITS! How in tarnation did YOU get in here, son? Well, slap me an' call me Sassafras! Yer starin' at my secret paper, too!

Oh, just shut yer traps, now! I'll use MY Crystal Star however I dang please! Check THIS out! HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSCLE–UP! MAAAAAAAAAACHO GRUBBA!

Stay down, pincushion! You don't want more of this! Why'd you even show up? Yeah, you hear me talking, Wimpy! Stay outta the ring, or feel the burn, baby! Tell you what: do about a million push-ups and then come see Uncle Rawk Hawk! I'll give you another world-class spanking and send you crying home to Momma again!

You call that a match? Ain't there a fighter out there who can challenge me? No! No one can! Hear me? Ain't a fighter out there that can even make me sweat! They're all a bunch of little crybabies, running around in stinky diapers! You got a bone to pick?!? Come fight me! Bring it! I'll take on anyone! You weaklings might as well stick to video-game fighting, OK? 'Cause I'll hurt you. YEAH! NUMBER ONE, BABY!!! RAWK HAWK IS THE CHAMP! Harharharharharharharharharharhar!

Rawk out, Great Gonzales!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAWK! Listen to me, Gonzales! Anybody who's beat me is not ALLOWED to lose!!!

I'm King K, man. Just a bush-league scrub like you.

Hey, man, check this—I heard the hot-dog stand outside's gettin' a new menu item that uses a Mystic Egg! Did you know? Their Hot Dogs can restore your HP and FP during a match. That's some serious nutrish! I'm not sponsored—YET—just excited about some probably-amazing Hot Dogs! You oughta snack out on one!

Listen, man... Keep it under your hat, but I'm thinkin' 'bout retirin' soon. If I stay any longer...well, my future might get shorter, dig? After next match, I'm gone. It ain't cool, man, that's for sure, but you know what? That's life, Double-G-dog.

Heh heh heh heh heh... Sorry, King K. Didn't mean to bring Queen Nag in here.

They say...there's a room in the Glitz Pit with a second floor but no stairs... They say...no one has ever gone upstairs... And some say...that groaning voices sometimes come from that second floor...

Grubba is a strange one... His body is incredibly toned, even though he's past 60. He must have an exceptional training regimen. Then, there's the matter of Ms. Jolene. They say...she suddenly vanishes at times. Some say...a fighter saw her go into the bathroom and waited for her to come out. ...But she never did. ...Huh? You think it's stranger that someone staked out her bathroom? Good point.

Grack! Cleftor no like make friend with mustache.

No lonely... Him too weak... Now him not here. Sound normal to Cleftor.

Grack! Mustache better than Cleftor when Cleftor was Mustache's age.

Well. Now that we've gotten to know each other, I will give you advice BOMB!

Y'see, Gonzales...as a fighter, you can't forget to entertain the crowd, BOMB!

Teamwork is important BOMB! The match is not just for your personal glory BOMB!

Good day to you, Gonzales. What can I do for you today? What's that you say? You must use the cannon in Fahr Outpost to save the world? Hmmm... Well, that IS rather a pickle, isn't it?

Oh! Look! My heart trembles! The fountain… So elegant! This is art at its finest!

Yes, dearest. One cannot measure its worth by coins. That is what makes art, art. And yet…the filthy rich always seek to define art with their ill-gotten coins…

Yes, they seek to buy it…yet how can one appraise what the eye cannot perceive?

So very observant, as usual, my dear Goldbob. Indeed! Surely this is an artist's art!

No, no, no, no! A card will not do! We must get our son something MAGNIFICENT for his birthday!

Wow! You're big, Mister! What's your name?

Oh, a businessman? Like… Business trips, bribes, and brown noses! Oh my! Wow. Tough life, huh? So, mister, are you in charge of the coffeemaker or what?

Well, so... Think you can detect what I really want for my birthday?

No! Bad! So very bad! Behave yourself, egg!

My menu was going to have the Southern Fried Egg Dog of Tastiness, but now... Bad! I ordered that naughty egg from an island in the south! I had to pay shipping, too!

Come down from there, egg! How am I supposed to get it now? FLY there?!?

Well, hello there, you big, burly hunk of a man, you. You're smashing, dear. But I'm afraid I'm only interested in the champion, Rawk Hawk. Toodle-oo!

Well, hello there, you cute, cuddly bear of a man, you. You're delightful, dear. Have you found my Gold Ring? Don't grow desperate, now. I'm quite sure you'll be able to find it!

I say, I'd like to mount a large animal horn in my foyer to highlight my social status… Oh, my goodness gracious! You have terribly fine horns, don't you, you great thing?

Whoa... Is this... Am I back in the Glitz Pit?

OK, Mario! Let's show these people a great fight!

I'm ready and willing for a rematch anytime. And I intend to win it!

It's been a long time since anyone came from... outside. You've come from far away? This is a bad time to arrive. Wait, but you're adventurers! Maybe it's the perfect time.

*gasp* Oh no! The bell rang again! Oh... this is so awful... who could it be now?

Uh, what? A guy with a red cap and some blue overalls? That sounds familiar... C'mon, brain! Oh, yeah! That's Mario! He's this adventurer who saved our village. Are you an adventurer, too? ...I like adventures...

Oh, badness... Now poor Gloomer got turned into a pig... Not good.

My traveling friends... Welcome to Twilight Town. Well, I'd LIKE to welcome you... But "welcoming" people is generally a good thing, and it's nothing but bad here. As you may have guessed...our town has been cursed.

Yes, cursed. That is the right word, right? Yes, of course it is. You see... Beyond town is a forest, and in its heart is an ancient building, the Creepy Steeple. The dark creature who lives there... Its curse ordains that when the steeple bell rings... One of the Twilighters living here in the village... becomes a pig.

Yeah, it just blows me away, all this "information age" hype you hear about. And yet, it's all games and feather-loss sites that are driving the technology. / Yeah, but I think tech-bust survivors can thrive if they get viable business models...

Hey, Maude, listen to this! Ronnie, my oldest, is taking his SATs this year. / Oh, is little Ronnie that age already? Well, bless my feathers, Flo!

Alas, this twilit world is too full of pain and contradiction—too full of broken dreams. Perhaps I was only given wings so that I could flee the terror of mundanity...

Who're you calling a monster? What's your problem? Why do you need to pick a fight? I'm busy thinking up new pranks and stuff! It's not easy, either! Now get lost! ...Of course, you guys WON'T. No way you ninnies go away quietly, am I right?

Well, all right, then, Slick. Fine. Yes. I turned the villagers into pigs. Big deal. Well... You know, they're all so depressing and boring and dimwitted all the time... So instead of wallowing in gloom, I figured they might as well wallow in mud! HA! Now they're pigs, get it? Isn't that just sooo perfect? It's like irony, or something. So...what? You got a problem with that? I guess you do. So let's play, Slick!

So, you figured it out by now, right, Slick? Your body and name belong to me now! See, I've got the power to change my shape into anyone I want... It comes in handy. But to REALLY be someone, I need to take their name and body, too! Which means you turn into a shadow and can't use your name!

Hold up! Hey! Who's there? I just heard a voice! There's no way that people could be here! Seriously, that's just so unlikely!

...What? Come on. You know how ridiculous you sound right now? I'm laughing in here. You honestly think I'm going to curse you when I get out? CURSE you?

Please! Pretty please? Find the key and let me out! Come on! Come on! Come on! I know it's around here somewhere, I just can't go look for it myself. I'm counting on you! Pretty please! Wait, is that... Oh my, oh my! You already found the key! Oh, happy day!

Skrawk? What happened to those weirdos who were just here? Ah, whatever... It was almost nice to have some company... I mean, no matter how important it is that no one know[s] his real name... Locking me up in here just because I know it... And making me guard the name's stupid missing letter... No way to treat a parrot! I REALLY want a cracker... Doopliss, you're a big meanie. When's feeding time, huh?

Man, am I tired of this stupid parrot babble act... It's so demeaning. And guarding this dumb letter here... I should report that Doopliss to the proper authorities...unless he gives me a cracker.

Skra-WAAAAAAAAAARK?!? Uh... Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

Welcome to you and yours! Have a seat! This is Podley's Place, a humble little cola shop where folks mix stories and drinks. By the by, there's an inn upstairs. When you're weary, go on up and relax.

Admiral Bobbery? Yeah... Yeah, I know him. You know that house just past the wall in the eastern part of town? That's his. But I think both you and he would be better off if you just let him be...

It was her last request. But when I saw Bobbery in misery, trying to forget the pain as he mourned his wife... I just couldn't bring myself to present this letter to him. I've regretted it ever since.

And what do you want, ah? Who, me, you ask about? Ah! I am called Flavio. I am, how you say? A trader. The richest man in Rogueport. Monetary wealth gives me freedom, yes, and freedom gives me wealth of spirit! And yet...why is it that a man whose life is unchained must always long for yet more, ah? What is missing from my life? This tears at my very insides! I must know! What do I lack?

I growl at you like an angry jungle beast! I ought to...

Yes, having my beautiful S.S. Flavion smashed to bits was not a financial boon, hm?

Heard you talkin' there, sir! If you don't mind me sayin'... I might 'ave a solution... Well, sir, I've 'eard talk of a famed... No! A LEGENDARY sailor livin' in Rogueport. Yeah, I think he's called Admiral Bobbery... A salty sea dog, by all accounts... But...he's said to 'ave the Helmsman's Touch, sir: he can make any ship bow to his will. Thing is, there ain't a soul wot's seen him on the seas of late...

There's nowhere to escape to... We just have to listen until he's finished... Yeah, if you interrupt him midstory, he absolutely loses it, too... ...Uh, why is the ...What? Wait, what's going on here? The ship's stopping.

Yeah, yeah, I'm workin' on it! Just wait a Goomba-stompin' moment, ya scallywags... N-N-No... They're upon us... The p-p-p-pirate...GHOSTS!

No seriously, hang on a sec'! Can't you just listen to my spiel for a little bit? I've been locked here forever, bored stiff, doing NOTHING but practice this speech!

You dopes fell right into my absolutely brilliant trap! And now you will SUFFER! Oh, yeah! I am so EVIL! Bathe in the foul, awful... ...Wait, what was next? Oh, yeah! You fools will be cursed forever for your appalling stupidity!

Whee hee hee hee hee! Now you're cursed, but good! SUFFER! SUFFER! SUFFER! Wait. That's maybe too much. Are you all right? That didn't really hurt, did it?

Enough! I grow tired of this spooky 'OoOoO' business! I am a pirate, blast it! Pirates do not MOAN! I am a cold-blooded villain who robs innocents of life and loot, not a crying ghost! And...you...are...after...my TREASURE!

Yohohohohohohohohoho! ¡Estúpido! You are foolish indeed! For I am not dead! Well, technically, I was already dead...but my espíritu endures, tied to my treasure! So you cannot do anything to me! I do not live, amigo! Still, guarding this treasure for hundreds of years is almost as boring as death!

Old friend? Your ancestors stole that gem from me, you strutting peacock! You must be very brave or very, VERY foolish to ask such a thing of me! I should turn you into a piñata and throw a party on the beach! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH! You rattle my bones, Señor Peacock! Hmph... Bueno, da igual. Fine. Take it. I accept your bargain! Now, be very careful with that gem!

Rudimentary, my dear Luigi!

Well, no cause for worry! The Crystal Star is safe! Yes, quite safe, indeed! The stone that our rude friends stole was fortunately a red herring! A fake! The real one is hidden somewhere in this sanctum to prevent such a theft!

…Uh-oh. B-Bowser, you say? Remorseless King of… What was that last bit, again? Yes, well, no matter! Hmm… Yes… Yes… I… So I deduced! Ahem! Then listen well! That Crystal Star is actually a veritable red herring! Yes! An imposter!

Whoawhoawhoawhoa! What do you want?!?

Oh, I get it! Food gets stolen and you blame ME right away with no evidence. NOT NICE!!!

I'm sorry! I ate it all! It was MEEEEEEEEE! I'm so sorry, but it was a brief moment of weakness...Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

What does that little Bub kid want as a present? Uh............................................ Well, I'm sure he'd be stoked to have an autograph of mine, right, guy? Oh, man, don't they all? I can't do it, unfortunately. I only sign for chicks.

Zow! Where'd you come from? You won't me catching me that easily, guy!

Curses! I almost got away with it by getting off at Riverside Station, too...

...So you've found me. Well, as you see, I'm a ghost. I'm cursed to haunt this place. A blanket? Well, yes, the conductor did leave one here. He didn't realize that I'm a ghost. A yummy, sticky threat? No, I left no such thing. I can't even hold physical objects like pen and paper. What? You just want the blanket, then? Well, I'll tell you where it is if you do something for me. What do you say?

All I need is......YOOOOOUR LIIIIFE!!! ...No, just kidding... Actually… I passed away in this cabin many years ago… But I think my luggage is still in my baggage car here… Inside my bag is a diary I kept since my earliest childhood days… And my fear that someone would find and read it has kept me tied to this world! I can't leave this room, so can you please find it and bring it here? If you do that, I'll show you where the blanket is.

You were very wise not to read my diary, friend… Hoo hoo hoo hoo hooooooo… If you had read it, you might be a spirit like me right now. But now I can go peacefully on from this world… Thank you so much. You will probably never meet me again in this world… Fare-thee-well…

Mario, won't you please look for the unticketed passenger and get that blanket back?

Oh, really… That's too bad… I guess I'll just huddle under a candy wrapper…

Someone's lifted the drawbridge! The train can't leave the station like this!

Greetings! Welcome to the Excess Express! I'm what is called the train engineer. Our opulent journey to Poshley Heights will take approximately three days. And how do you find your accommodations? Are they not incredibly splendid? Our furnishings delight the eye, but the sway of our locomotive delights all else!

What-what? A sticky, yummy threat of some kind? Are you serious? Oh, that shan't be good for business... I can't leave the controls, so can you inform the conductor at the end of the train?

Running this train during the sunset is the high point of every day for me!

HELLO! I am Chef Shimi, the culinary expert! Glad to make your complaintance!

Today's lunch is so amazing it will make your tongue cry out in shame!

A mystery, you just said? ...And, uh, um, er, exactly... what kind of dish is that?

Now, men! You know the drill! Load the big bomb cannon!

Prepare Big Bob’s detonation sequence!

Elevate! On my mark!

Muh huh huh huh... Witness my rebirth... My soul has not yet fully accustomed to this vessel... But I will learn to control this body soon enough...

Yesss... They appear to possess some modicum of power and may be of some use... Mortals...if you will become my faithful servants, I will not harm you.

You wretched little girl! You disobey me?!? You brat! Obey me, girl! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Very cunning, Princess! But you will not undo me!!! Know me as your queen!

Hey there, I'm Blooey. ...And this guy is a total liar! Don't listen to him! You heard his story, right? Well, he did TRY to throw me, but he completely tripped!

And what happens? I end up landing in lava! LAVA, man! You think that feels good? Thanks to him, you can stick a fork in me! I'm well done! My pale skin's crispified!

Maaaan, that last battle was hairy! You have no idea! I was burnt to a crisp, but I was actually kinda relieved, if you can believe that! But if you want the whole story, you should just ask Luigi here! Wahahaha!

Hi, I guess. I'm Jerry. I'm a Bob-omb from Plumpbelly Village. Nice meeting you.

Sorry I sound so down, but you would be too if you saw Luigi dressed as a bride. I'm serious. It scarred me. It was honestly scarier than that giant snake-thing.

I feel I now have a moral duty to stop Luigi from ever dressing as a bride again. I have to protect the world from my fate. That's why I'm sticking close to this guy.

...I'm Screamy. I wonder what future is plotted for us by he who holds the compass...

For I must deliver something...

Yeah, I'm Torque, and don't for a second think this dude's tellin' the whole story.

The only reason I lent him my rig was 'cause he got down on his knees and begged. And what happens? He's in it for one second before he completely totals it! Idiot!

I'm not lettin' this dip outta my sight until he repays me the 5,000-coin repair costs!

Did you check prices for me? Perfect! OK! I'm ready.

Heh heh heh heh heh! We're awful quick, awful agile...and just plain awful!

I haven't been able to buy food for my children since my husband turned into a pig. Now they're all so hungry... What should I do?