Death on the North Pole Express
Project Overview
Hello!
Last Christmas, I released a comedic murder mystery called Death on the North Pole Express. This year, I’m turning it into a full audio drama set to release this Christmas.
It follows a narcissistic detective trying to track down a serial killer aboard a train.
I’d love for you to consider joining the project! (:
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David Darnwright is a narcissistic detective who believes he’s the greatest in the world. Despite his cocky attitude, he’s also a genuine fighter for truth and justice.
He has a moderately deep voice, but not too deep.
- english
- Noir Detective
- american
- Dry Pan
- deep
- male adult
- Nick Offerman
(just woken up from nap, slightly annoyed) “Ladies. What seems to be the problem?”
(Calm Narration)"He glared at me, opened his mouth but was interrupted by two more figures entering from the cold. The first was a brunette woman with green eyes, wearing a modest black and white maid outfit, and the other was a scrawny young man about twenty years old with wispy facial hair, glasses, and a NASCAR hat. They were laughing hard. "
(Calm/Collected) "Detective David Darnwright. And no, I am not swearing at you. That’s literally my name."
The goofy, airheaded sidekick to David Darnwright who has a habit of flirting with any pretty woman he meets. His voice is nasally, and he acts very comfortable in his own skin most of the time.
- male young adult
- american
(shivering) "Are you m-mad at me, detective?"
(flirting) Woooow, you must be really smart to be able to pull something off like that! How much do you charge?
(happy) That is very kind of you, sir! I look forward to reading it!”
Miranda the Maid is a sweet young woman (around 20) with a gentle, feminine nature. She has a crush on a young man known as “Grandpa Josh.”
- Feminine
- female young adult
- Sweet
- american
- Gentle
(traumatized) “Well, I just went into Krampus’s room to pick up the tea cup I delivered to him last night, but when I got there his chopped off head was sitting on his berth just staring at me! (tears up) It was so scary! I hate death! I can’t stand it! Ever since my parents died when I was five, it feels like death just follows me wherever I go!”
(crushing) "No, really! I mean it! I really liked talking with you. (pause, obviously waiting to be asked out) Well, err, I better get off to my shift. I’ll see you on the train, though. Bye, Grandpa Josh."
(terrified) (Screams) Detective! Detective! IT – IT HAPPENED AGAIN! MURDER! THERE’S BEEN TWO MORE MURDERS, DETECTIVE! I WENT IN THERE TO CLEAN AND THEY WERE JUST LYING THERE!”
A fun, lovable young man with a mustache who enjoys NASCAR and cinnamon bread.
- english
- fun
- male young adult
- warm
- friendly
- american
(being polite) "No, really, I’m good, but thank you."
(sincere) "Ohhhhhh, that is awful! I’m so sorry. I really liked Maggie Markhall. She seemed like a really sweet actress."
(conversational) I don’t know, that’s about five dollars and forty cents in American money. You can get a pretty good deal at McDonalds for something like that."
A short man who insists on being called “Big G.” He has a bit of a temper and is often pushed around at his job. Once an aspiring filmmaker, he now works as a bellhop on a train. High-pitched and feisty.
- all american accents
- Feisty
- male young adult
- Higher Pitched
(answers question, carrying heavy bag) Ah yes, sir, every year on November 1st, the train station converts from the ‘Barrymore Express’ to the ‘North Pole Express’, as a marketing ploy to bring in more customers during the holiday season."
(annoyed) Sir, I’ve mentioned this before, but I would really prefer to be called ‘Big G’.
(angry) I just wanna say one last thing. I think it’s stupid how you’re conducting these interviews. You already frisked me! You’ve proven my innocence! It clearly wasn’t me or anybody else you checked!"
At one point, he was Maggie Markhall's handsome boyfriend, but when she dumped him to pursue a career on the Hallmark Channel, he grew bitter and began taking out his anger on his short employee, Gibson.
This year... Maggie Markhall is a passenger on his train.
He has a deep booming voice. (at least as much as possible)
- english
- male adult
- deep
- booming
- all american accents
(angry) "Big G! You will serve the food tonight at Christmas Eve dinner. Miranda, that blessed woman, is busy doing everything else! Setting up beds, cleaning windows, and whatnot. You need to start pulling your weight around here, Big G! And if you don’t, I’ll fire you, destroy your reputation, and you’ll be homeless for the rest of your miserable, pathetic life! IS THAT CLEAR?!” (turns to the customer) "Hello sir, how can I help you?"
(polite) "Ooh, well, due to the unexpected blizzard, we wanted to give our ten other guests some extra time to arrive. However, if you and your companion would like to get a head start in settling into your room, you are more than welcome to do so."
(sucking up) "Krampus! So glad to see you, old friend!”
The “Duchess of Corkshire” is a snobbish older woman who believes she is superior to everyone around her. In reality, she is a nobody pretending to be important and is not actually a duchess. Snobbish, unkind, and unlikable.
- fake british
- Crabby
- female senior
- Annoying Older Woman
(stuck up) "Well, what does it matter to you?! You mustached buffoon! This has absolutely nothing to do with you!"
(angry) "WHAT DO YOU WANT!? I am a Duchess, you know! I have a lot of board meetings and year evaluations to write up! Spit it out you imbecile!"
(begging) "PLEASE! PLEASE! This is the only thing in my life that makes me special! That gives my life purpose! Just let me have this!"
A famous Hallmark Channel actress who remains kind and down-to-earth despite her success. She is polite and gracious to others, though she won’t tolerate disrespect or rudeness. The character is inspired by Lacey Chabert.
Also, she has a standard American accent, not Southern. (:
- female adult
- alabama
- Sweet
- adr/looping/eps
- Lacey Chabert
(defensive) HA! You see! You’ve ruined this dude’s sleep! All I did was accidentally bump into you and then — BOOM — you berate me! Who does that!?
(sassy) "Oh she's in desperate need of beauty sleep alright. A good decade ought to do it.”
(opening up to something personal) "Well, if you must know, he and I used to be — well — an item (sighs) But I went off to be a star on the Hallmark channel, to become rich and famous, and he — gained two hundred pounds, and became the conductor of a train. We’re both very happy in our own way."
Agatha Hoopdaddy is a professional basketball player, that despite working for the WNBA is very proud of her career. She is prone to outbursts, and accuses people of murder without any evidence to back up her claim.
- all american accents
- female young adult
- Athletic Woman
(defiant) Now wait a minute! You can’t just hold a weapon on us like that without our consent!
(disbelief) Oh come on! That can’t be the reason Krampus came here. It was just five euro!
(shrugs) Honestly, detective, I don’t really know. It’s possible. He seemed really happy that I signed all his merchandise, and I’ve made so many ‘promises’ to my adoring fans it’s hard to keep track of them all.
Bobby Robertson is a 100-year-old man with a raspy voice who is fed up with most young people.
- english
- raspy
- Old
- texan
- Old man
(friendly) "Hello young feller. I’m Bobby Robertson, former Colonel of the U.S. Army!”
(taunting) "You young whipper-snappers are all so disrespectful. You all think that us old people know nothing, when in reality we know everything! You force us to quit our jobs, then shove us into nursing homes and make us eat mush! Well, look who’s laughing now kiddies! I am! (laughs maniacly)"
(dying) "The killer is — the killer is — (lets out dying breath)"
Colby Reynolds, is probably the greatest guys you'll ever meet. He is the Governor of Texas and is very proud to be a Texan. He walks around in a big cowboy hat, and boots. He likes train, dislikes California, and is on friendly terms with Detective Darnwright.
He has a Texan accent.
Colby's Reynold's Voice Sample:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1SgOx7U1v9W0RnOcNxy5VOalry6v7BmY_/view?usp=sharing
- warm
- texan
- Texas
- male young adult
- Lower
"I’m telling you, David. I’m tired of these gosh-darn Californians moving into my state, ruining my beautiful wide open spaces with their suburban neighborhoods and shopping malls.”
"This doesn’t feel right. You shouldn’t be allowed to cheat death like that just because you’re nice!"
"Heh heh heh— did you really think I was stupid enough to give a loaded shotgun to somebody I hardly knew for the distinct purpose of it being pointed at me? Heh, I filled it with blanks."
Tyra Blitz is a pilot for Northwest Airlines. She’s sassy, sarcastic, and doesn’t care much about what others think.
- Sassy
- Sarcastic
- female young adult
- all american accents
(annoyed) "I’m Tyra Blitz, and since we’re all stating our careers for some reason, I guess I’ll share mine too. I’m a pilot for Northwest Airlines.”
(sassy) “Please - you may call me Captain Blitz. Now, go away.”
(sarcastic) “Oh, goody. What a treat.”
Cynthia Angel is a scuba diving instructor from France with a thick French accent. She is uncomfortable when men flirt with her.
- female young adult
- friendly
- french (france)
- warm
(friendly) "Enchanté, monsieur. Je m’appelle Cynthia Angel."
(setting boundaries)"Actually I would mind. Zis is my room. I am not comfortable ‘aving men in it."
(talking about her life) "I mean, it ‘appens. It might ‘ave been zee worst moment of my life, but it set me and my little brother straight so we could enjoy zee rest of our lives as good people. My brother Pierre is a doctor now, and a pretty good one."
Willy Meltsner is an author who is jovial but a little oblivious. Despite his success, he can be somewhat long-winded and gets on the nerves of Detective David Darnwright.
He has a thick Irish accent. He enjoys sausage and goes on many writing retreats.
- english
- Irish
- Jovial
- male adult
- cork irish
- friendly
- Not Very Smart
(false modesty) "Oh, ho, ho. Yes, one and the same. It is always a pleasure to meet one of my readers."
(happy) "Detective! Detective David Darnwright! This is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity for me! May I accompany you while you — ahem — ag lorg an fhírinne? I would love to gather inspiration for my next book!"
(telling a story he thinks is interesting)"Oh yes, yes, you see, after finishing one of my chapters, I decided to go on a walk, you know, to clear my mind, and I passed one of those little German Food Carts, the ones that sell those little sausages on a stick. Well, I said to myself, ‘Willy Meltsner, you deserve a sausage on a stick,’ and so I got one! I had him put on all the toppings, you know, like mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, relish, black beans, powdered sugar, and things like that, then he handed it to me!"
Krampus is a large goat-like monster with a German accent. He is not afraid to make threats, and is very confident that nobody would have the audacity to ever --- ever --- try to murder him.
- english
- Beast
- male adult
- german
- german
- deep
- monster
- Monster
- German Beast
"Testen me again—dear frient—and see vhat happens. Shtarten zee train.”
(arrogant) "Oh I’m not vorriet, detectif. I haf been alif for fifteen hundret years. It vould be fery difficult to kill me. Noboty vould haf zee audacity to efen try."
(conversational) "No, zat’s not quite right. I temporarily gif naughty chiltren a brief glimpse of ze underworld. Just enough to see vhat zey vere in for. It vas ze only scaret shtraight program vith a 100% success rate, but people are too soft nowadays to appreciate my mezots."
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