It's definitely a nice voice for Hayley, however I think the third line needs to have more of an aggressive confrontational tone and with the second line, its more an emotional cocktail of sarcasm and anger with a drop of amusement
Other than that, you're on the right track
Thanks so much for the feedback! Are you happy for me to submit a second audition taking your feedback into account tomorrow?
Of course, everyone has the option to try it again until we get it right
I look forward to hearing your new Hayley