Scaling Mt. Olympus: Interviewing the Pantheon

How does it feel being the bad guy in every movie about the Greek mythology ever..? Um...not so good. I mean, I get why people do it. They fear...death, so when someone represents the whole....um...I-idea of death its natural to vilify  it. The, uh, the only portrayal of me in fiction that I like is the James Woods Hades from the Disney movie. That...mixed bag of a film got practically everything wrong, but for some reason I couldn't help but grin the entire time I was watching it...even if it ended with me getting punched into the River Styx and dragged down a whirlpool.

Oh! You want to know about my family! Let's see, you've met my wife Persephone, my children hate me, and Cerberus would try to eat you so....I think I have a picture around here somewhere....Ah! Here it is! The woman in the long dress is Morticia, my cousin. Her husband's the man with the mustache and the cigar...Gomez, I believe was his name. There's little Wednesday, a nice child but rather odd and...full of woe. And then there's Pugsly. He, er, used to be the older sibling but a quick dip in the River Styx changed that...somehow. Look, even I'm not entirely sure how it did it, okay?!

Humans? Don't get me started. They're way too shallow, they take one look at something and if its aesthetically pleasing they automatically label it as 'good', see for example my brother Zeus. Even now he's the only one of us that hasn't faded into obscurity still treated relatively well by the humans. As where I'm just doing my JOB, to take care of my wife and my dog, but no, I'm ugly! So I'm the bad guy..*small quiet sobbing for about two seconds before he pauses, still sounding tearful*
....There is...one exception to the rule , though....My dear, sweet, wife Persephone. She's the love of my life. And to see her have to deal with the stress of having such a widely loathed husband breaks my heart...We didn't always get along, and admittedly our first date was essentially me kidnapping her, but you humans always found that 'Beauty and the Beast' story romantic, which was essentially the same thing except even after I find my love I'm still a hideous monstrosity most people would shudder at the mere thought of..

Oh, hey. Thanks for showin' up. I don't get much visitors on account o' the fact I'm married to Hades. You know, the guy literally everybody else hates. Wanna maggot? They're to DIE for. Ha, get it? I'm kidding. They're terrible. Don't eat them. I dunno, how Hades can stomach those things..

So, being the wife of Hades...what its like....what its like....well, if I had to sum it up in one word...I'd, uh, probably say either "taxing" or "exhausting". You have no idea how hard it is to go grocery shopping without people looking at you and going, "Hey, look at the weirdo who's married Hades". or "Oh my god, she must be forced into her marriage...Poor girl." Ugh...And don't even get me started on Hades' own emotional issues! I can't even vent my own issues to him without him bawling like a baby! He starts thinking I want a divorce. The only one I can talk to is Cerberus. CER. BER. US. The dog! Its honestly sad the only one I can talk to is the dog, and even then I have to make sure....you know who's not within earshot. I mean, I love him and everything but...its just a lot to take in sometimes.. 

Oh, you're askin' me what I think of Pandora? We talkin' the girl that opened the box or the website? If its the website, it's garbage. Like, if I search up Five Finger Death Punch, I don't want Disturbed. I want Five Finger Death Punch. Oh, er, not to knock any fans o' Disturbed out there, I like them too, I just need to be in a certain mood to listen to them.  If you mean the girl that opened the box, that's what ya get for leaving a box like that to a human. We're impulsive creatures. But the same can be said for Zeus. If you  put an even mildly attractive woman in front of him and tell him not to sleep with her, he probably will and he'll have, what, another child out of his hundreds already?

Oh, favorite drink? That's like askin' to pick me favorite molecule of air I breathed! Or Zeus his bloody favorite female body part. Well, if we're talkin' whiskey, I'd probably pick Jameson. Rum, ooh, that's a tough one...Captain Morgan. Beer is the only tie I have, an' it's between Fosters and 

*loud drunken sobbing* ARIADNE!! WHY DID YE LEAVE ME?!? *more loud drunken sobbing*

Aye, you callin' me fat?! I ain't fat! I'm slightly chubbier than normal! 'S a side effect o' the alcohol! 

WHAT?! ME?! DISLOYAL TO HERA?! I WILL RAPE EVERY FEMALE IN YOUR FAMILY FOR THAT ACCUSATION AND THEN I WILL TURN ALL THE MALES IN YOUR FAMILY, INCLUDING YOU, INTO A FEMALE SO I CAN RAPE THEM AND YOU AS WELL!! ....Oh, sorry, I got a little carried away...

Ohhh, that reminds me of what your sister said in bed during her college days...She was quite limber. How's she doing? Oh, she's married? Drat...I was hoping to hook up a few more times...I know how you humans are with your ridiculous concepts like "monogamy".

I'm sorry, what? How are things with who? Hera? Ohhh....um....they're...I...it's......I don't.....whatever the best word for "Being thrown out at the Christmas party and then sexually assaulted by a mustached man named Marcus in a reindeer costume that smells like elderly people feet and stale mustard" would be, which strangely happened to her the very next week. That's our relationship right now. 
....And no, I don't want  to talk about it. 

This here is  my guitar, luv. Good ol' fashioned Ibanez RG. Useful for jus' about any genre wif' an electric guitar in it. Metal, rock, blues, smoov' jazz, an' all dat. 

*singing the chorus of 'The Game' by Motorhead, before pausing* ...Oh, sorry, luv, didn't know we were on yet. Haha...

'Did here is me drumset. Made by Yamaha. Purchased offa Ebay for about....twenty-somefing pounds. Y'know, technology really IS somefing special today when a delivery is jus' a couple clicks away. Just fill out your delivery info, click 'Order', and Bob's your uncle! 

Hello. I am Aphrodite, current  CEO of various dating websites and apps such as Tindr, Zoosk, eHarmony, and OKCupid. ....What? This isn't a formal event? Oh thank goodness...um...hi everyone!

You know, a lot of people assume I control who falls in love with who. And that...um..,.that's not right at all. It's more like, as long as I exist, physically speaking, that the idea...the concept of love exists. The Cherubs decide who falls in love and with what person. Though, admittedly, sometimes they do make the wrong choices....Sorry Dionysus. And, to all those in abusive or otherwise toxic relationships. 

I'm not gonna lie, I got in this position entirely because of my looks, I have no idea what's going on..*small chuckle* Now I know how Zeus felt back in our old days. Oh man, those were the days...what I wouldn't give to reside on Mt. Olympus being hailed as the most beautiful of them all again...*nostalgic sigh*

*slowly escalating in intensity and anger* You want to know what I think about humans? What I think about those pathetic sniveling walking trash bags covered in flesh that hoisted me from my position of power?! ....*dark, oddly calm chuckle* ...Humans are hypocritical little creatures. They constantly preach that "war is bad, violence is evil, all this, all that, blah blah blah", without putting forth a single effort to do anything about it. And they're perfectly willing to send their children, or...or their siblings, or even their lovers off to war to protect some trivial nonsense. Oil, religion, land. All important things, yes, but only humans would think of fighting over important resources instead of...oh I don't know....SHARING FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THEIR SPECIES?!

Let me let you in on a little secret. You humans are all the same. *brief pause* All the same. All of you. The same. You preach anti-violence but are oh so willing to fight over the smallest things. "Someone sneezed in my general direction? Time to give them a concussion." "Someone parked in the spot I wanted at the Wal-Mart? Time to destroy their car and make it unusable!" ...Not that I'm complaining, mind you, even the smallest, seemingly most petty of squabbles...gives me more power...

Okay, you want to know why I haven't used my power escape? There's....nowhere else for me to go. This is, essentially...home to me now. And, there's one another thing...I met a girl. She's a guard. I know I just went on this whole spiel about how humans are the worst, how they're pathetic little worms...but....She's the one exception to the rule. And, she actually agrees with me on all of what I've said so far. If she retires, I'm escaping to be with her wherever she goes. If she dies before she's able to retire, I'm escaping and going down to the River Styx to spend eternity with her. Spending eternity with her in the River Styx is my plan for when she dies anyway, but escaping is tacked on if she hasn't retired yet. And, these prisoners should hope that they...are not the cause of her death. There will be hurricanes of blood and body parts if they are.

*weak wheezing laugh that slowly transitions into a cough* Being the seemingly only blacksmith in Greece was tough.,.We didn’t have any sort of fancy equipment to keep me safe, so I have to deal with the damage that dealt.

Oh, you have no idea how demanding the job was...Everyone was always asking me for something, and I very rarely if at all got paid I almost died of lung cancer like three times . 

I’m honestly glad I’m out of business now. I don’t think these old bones could take much more.

‘Eyyy, baby, nice o’ you to drop by. Club’s just closin’ up, actually. Wait, you want an interview about what? The glory days ? How can I say no to you, baby?

Ya might think club’s like this are more Apollo’s gig, baby, but I didn’t wanna be nobody’s errand boy, ya feel me, babe? It’s time for this little birdie to fly.

I can tell ya this much: I save a crap ton o’ money on transportation. Being faster than every known vehicle probably helps.

Oh, Zeus...That arrogant loud-mouth...You know, the, uh, the only reason I haven't divorced him yet is because of Athena. Then again I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to make the moves on even HER. 

If I had a dollar for every woman Zeus has slept with, I'd be the richest woman alive. ....I mean, I am the richest woman alive thanks to being married to Zeus but that's besides the point. 

Zeus said what?! Okay, I know he has temper problems, but that is just going too far!