Akenshi

Hey, guys. If you're reading this, I want to mention how appreciative I am to have worked for the people I did, and to have met the amazing voice actors that worked alongside me. All of you have been an incredible part of my life, and a factor in sparking the light towards something I became very passionate about.

However, I believe it's important to be honest with everyone and it's been very difficult for me to discuss this, especially since I didn't really know when the right time was, and due to the most recent outcomes, I believe this would be a good time for me to let it all go now.

Originally, voice acting seemed like nothing but a crazy thought to me, not because the thought of it was truly crazy, but I thought there was no way it'd be so simple to get into it. Then, I saw the casting call for Danganronpa: World Revolving. It was a small Fanganronpa that was nearing its last day of auditions. I decided to put an audition in for a student named Yugen Hiuke, and shockingly enough, I got the part! I felt as if I was on a mental high I've never truly experienced before, a blissful feeling of accomplishment, something I could look in the mirror and proudly say: "Akenshi, you did it." I told my friends about it, this was something really big to me, being casted and getting myself out there for others to enjoy. The feeling was so incredible, it felt as if I could truly take this little passion project and have it blossom into a core part of my life. I enjoyed every second of it, voicing Yugen, shitposting as him, screwing around with the other chosen voice actors, it was truly a time I could never forget.

Eventually, I saw the casting call for another Fanganronpa named "Light Danganronpa: Misfortune." Still riding the mental high, I auditioned for the Supreme Creator, who is a German-accented student, and I also auditioned for a Lawman and a V-Tuber's husband. Seeing I got shortlisted for the Supreme Creator and the Lawman felt so incredible, and seeing that I got casted as the Supreme Creator made me want to celebrate this moment forever. I couldn't believe it, I had always worried for the worst when I thought of pushing myself out there, but seeing what happens when I just put a bit of effort into trying to put myself out there? I believe I truly grew as a person after being casted for Yugen and the Creator, that I could truly use this to start recovering from my depression regarding unrelated familial tensions and a lack of a relationship.

Unfortunately, this was when it all started to go wrong.

The director of Light Danganronpa: Misfortune was caught using AI on another project called Tetro: Black. His social medias were blowing up with nothing by backlash. Because of this, he made a Google Doc admitting his faults, cancelling the current Light: Danganronpa, and scrapping the sequel that I was casted in. This truly was a major blow to the heart. Seeing that I had just started to put my love and devotion into the Creator's role, only for it to be worth absolutely nothing was an awful feeling I pray you, the reader, don't have to go through.

Then, I auditioned for a YTTD Fandub. This was a lesson that slammed me back to Earth and taught me to learn my place. I was only just 2 months into voice acting and I felt like I would be able to easily bounce back when I auditioned for every male role my voice could handle. I wasn't even considered for any of them, which looking back on it now, was understandable. Thousands of people auditioned, hundreds with so much more experience than I had. This had taught me to truly put my all into it, both my voice and my love for the roles I want to play.

So I decided to keep auditioning, keep pursuing a role that I could bring my love and devotion to, and while nothing turned up, the worst news slid onto my desk:

The director of Danganronpa: World Revolving was retiring the project.

It had already been on hiatus for months at this point in time, but just a few days after my birthday on the 16th of June, the project was effectively cancelled. We never recorded any lines. My sense of accomplishment had crashed back down to 0, and I was back at Square 1, right before I auditioned for Yugen. This had shattered me, and this is when I truly became desperate to regain that mental high, that feeling of accomplishment I had felt before.

There was one particular setting that felt almost identical to World Revolving, and seeing one specific role, I auditioned right before the deadline and I was shortlisted. As I put my all into my callback scripts, I had started to put the same love and devotion I had put into this character as I did with Yugen. This character was like a son to me. I had waited two weeks, and while I was doing UberEats deliveries, I had gotten the worst news I could ever hear. After all that time, effort, and even MONEY I had put into making this role as passionate as I could ever make it, I was one away from being casted. All that effort, and it still wasn't good enough. I was, and still am mentally incapable of accepting the results. It's as if my son was killed right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was offered a minor role, which I accepted out of their kindness, but if I'm being truly honest with you: It could never truly replenish that sense of accomplishment. It's not the same as if I truly earned it, it was pity. If I put a smidge of my effort from the main role into the minor role, I could have easily gotten it, no problem. But actually earning a big role like that, just like with Yugen? That's the type of accomplishment I wanted to achieve again. Ever since that day, I went black in the server. It brought me nothing but pain and suffering even thinking about it.

The mental anguish got so bad, that after a while of thinking, I had decided to take a mental hiatus from voice acting. It only made me feel much worse than how I originally felt when I first got into it, and going back for my final year of college was right around the corner, so that would only add to the pressure and stress of what I was currently going through.

That was, until one final project caught my eye. It was for a series I had gotten huge into a couple months back when I first heard of their casting calls. They were casting for a main role, and several extras. I loved the main role so much as a character in the series already, and I had just started reading up on their serious lore. I decided to give it one more chance, this time putting my absolute peak performance into making sure they loved me. Several auditions, the confidence rushing through me, giving a performance while nitpicking for every last tidbit I considered flawed, all for the sake of the last chance I was given. This was my make it or break it moment, I tried to copy the original series' voice to a T, and waited that Sunday, heading to church as I prayed a miracle would happen, that all of this effort would finally pay off, that I would regain that sense of accomplishment flared up tenfold for a character I already loved.

The miracle never happened. I was considered, but it never truly came to fruition. My last chance had been squandered, and it truly felt I put my all for nothing.

This brings me up to date, and I have regrettably made the decision to take a mental hiatus from voice acting. I enjoyed it while it lasted, but my passion has brought me everything but happiness after a certain point. I can't keep doing this to myself, putting a surge of love and care into what I'm auditioning for and hurting myself more because it didn't work out. The fact I told my friends about this months earlier, only for it to go nowhere is what truly breaks my heart. But most of all, for the time being, that sense of accomplishment will never return. At least, not for a good long while. The earliest I'll even consider returning to try again is in December, when my fall semester ends, but even that's pushing it. Is it worth hurting myself again? It might even take me until I graduate college before I even consider the thought again. Unless there is a role I believe is worth risking my mental health for, I won't be returning for a long time. I appreciate everyone's appreciation, opportunities, and support, but the road ends here for now. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy your day.