I legit laugh during parts of this, particularly when you just starting going faster and faster and then suddenly paused, lol. Only thing I can really think of would be the varying audio level (going for normal voice to whispering then backing again) probably wouldn't be good if this was an actual spot.

Your varying speed of reading caused some works to slur, and as the other comment stated, your reading distance does sound too close to the mic. You might want to try about 4-5 inches away from the mic because I can hear the pops and mouth clicks.

Let me just say that I love the pacing in this performance! Most artists act under the assumption that fast = better, but that isn't necessarily the case. That said, I really liked the spikes of energy in the read (it made it sound unique), but I would try making your entire read have that same level of passion! It doesn't have to be the same all throughout, I love the variations in pauses and emphasis, but more energy overall (especially near the beginning) would allow for more of a hook in my opinion. Well done!