H-CADE (A Homestuck Voice Acting Project)

WHATEVER. IT COULD BE A HAMMER FROM THE BARGAIN BIN OF A HARDWARE STORE FOR ALL I CARE. JUST GIVE ME ANYTHING THAT'S FIT FOR CLOBBERING A GHOST BOTTOMED DICK FACE WHO'S ALSO A BIRD.

I forgot, trolls hate cleaning products for some alien reason! shit, that's going to make everyone so uncomfortable. Oh well, there it goes. too late i guess.

I guess i just miss my dad. i was hoping he would be here, but apparently i won't see him for another few hours or whatever? If that is what you see in the future, then i guess there's no fighting it. bluh.

If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.

If you're trying to get his goat, you should know he only stocks the animal in the first place for ironic purposes.

The only thing left to do is ride out the next several conversations while you maintain that understanding. And while I maintain the chilly facade you have grown to so enjoy from Smart Rose. Which shouldn't be too difficult, because... have I mentioned? I'm busy. Goodbye.

theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY FUCKING BIG

alright but i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever

you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno

well yes i do but its just that you will lose your internet connection soon!!!!! and we wont talk again for a pretty long time not until you enter!

sorry but could you please not use all those stupid parentheses?????? i can hardly read what you type and its giving me a migraine

it feels like we have been approaching it for hours do you mean we are finally close enough to it for... whatever it is we have to do?

i havent given it any thought nor did i think such a thing was up for consideration but if you want to pretend we both have a separate team together and name that team then knock yourself out

what do you think youre doing! just stop! stop stop stop stop stop stop! maybe if i say stop enough something else will happen instead of the thing that does

i know its exciting breaking stuff and not worrying about it but there are consequences to humoring your destructive impulses and consequences to following

okayyyy, my bromo sapien r u ready to get straight in, flat down, broad side, school fed up the bone bulge by a dope smacked, trinked out, smother fudging, trollllllllll

i can't abscond, there's no, uhh, absconding place

most definitely, your rhymes, they are ruthlessly disciplinary, and my hear ducts have been naughty, i think, they are naughty for more, }:)

you dont know what im going to do, stop being as though you can read my mind. its not a power you have

your strengths are being blind and tricking people about stuff. and i guess being generally savvy and pretty decent at other stuff, but thats why im picking you and not some other fucking schlub

(without lisp) it means that i'm blind now. and i guess i talk like this cause... kk knocked out all my teeth like some kind of grubfisted douche. eheheh, now he's flipping out.

MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE. IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT

YOU ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS METEOR WHO'S GOT EVEN LESS ON HIS NUTRITION PLATEAU THAN ME. EVEN THE MAYOR HAS A MORE DEMANDING SCHEDULE THAN WE DO, LET'S FACE THE FUCKING FACTS. WHAT. DID YOU THINK CAN TOWN RUNS ITSELF??

OK THAT'S YOUR CUE TO LAUGH AT ME SOME MORE I GUESS. BECAUSE YOU SEEM TO REALLY GET OFF WHENEVER I FLAME YOU. HUMANS ARE DERANGED.

*ac saunters from her dark cave a little bit sleepy from the recent kill* *ac uses one of her mouths to lick the fresh blood off her paws* *and the other one to blow you a kiss!*

tavros im sorry i cant be on your team :(( im not allowed

aaaaa youre just teasing me now! i feel bad about bugging you about it but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fleeting of moments?

Your Dark Spectacled Friend Has Advised Me On A More Effective Method For Trolling You. I Think His Contention Is That This Strategy Will Have The Opposite Of The Intended Effect And Precipitate A Sort Of Bond Between Us That Is Established In Mutual Antagonism. What Do You Think About This

Allow Me To Make This Simple GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction. Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species GA: A Reason

No There Was No Plot Or Conspiracy Or Any Trace Of Saboteurs Operating Through The Special And Magical Union One Can Only Describe As Being In Cahoots With Another. When A Virgin Mother Grub Abdicates And Renounces Brooding, Her Time Will Be Relatively Short. I Always Knew This

YOU AND HIM ARE ALIKE IN SOME WAYS REALLY BLUNT AND LITERAL MINDED AND QUITE FRANKLY JUST A LITTLE BIT TACTLESS WHEN IT COMES TO MANAGING THE LADIES

KARKAT, I HAVE GRAVE AND SERIOUS NEWS TO REPORT I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SCENE OF A REAL LIFE MURDER TAVROS WAS THE VICTIM IM VERY UPSET ABOUT THIS BUT I AM TRYING TO REMAIN PROFESSIONAL ABOUT IT THIS CRIME ISNT GOING TO SOLVE ITSELF >:]

USUALLY HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO IS OVER THE COURSE OF YOUR QUEST YOU WILL WAKE THE DENIZEN AND THEN FINALLY YOU GO THROUGH THE SEVENTH GATE WHICH IS THE ONLY WAY INTO THE PALACE THEN YOU GO DOWN AND FIGHT THE DENIZEN AND KILL IT RELEASING THE HOARD

Ok, good. Then the best team will be led by the two highest bloods, the way it should be! Or at least, the highest bloods who aren't shitty clown worshippers or under water freaks. Sound good?

Hahahahahahahaha! Aaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa haaa........ man, fuck this. It's a real pain in the ass typing out long victorious laughs with only one hand, you know? Gonna have to patch this thing up somehow. Maybe I'll pay a visit to my neighbor a little later. Getting my arm fixed nearly ought to be worth enduring the stench. Aw yeah. Sick burn from outta nowhere. Take that, Zahhak.

Hahahaha! You won't believe this, but it only occurred to me now that you won't even be able to read this! Even if you do somehow manage to stumble back to your hive........ you're blind now! Whoooooooops. It would 8e a real shame if we couldn't bury the hatchet and be great friends again because of a stupid bullshit reason like that.

Well, green b1ood is ok, but it's not great. But that's why you're lucky to have me to 1ook out for you. Because you don't know better, and you can't fight the role the mother had in store for you

No. Humorous insincerity is for pedantic wigglers

You're wrong about me, Nepeta. I do like to play games. But they must be extremely important games with very high stakes. Not the kind played by translucent green wigglers who let loose an excremental surge hard in their wiggler-bottom diaperstubs. As it happens I have arranged to play just such a game tonight. Aradia and I have a private engagement to be co-leaders of the blue team

YeAh i'd sAy tHaT An aSsHoLe iS ThE ThInG ThAt jUsT AbOuT WhAt eVeRyBoDy fEeLs lIkE. KaRkAt bLaMeS HiMsElF On iT, pOoR MoThErFuCkEr. BuT I ToLd hIm tO Be cHiLl. BeCaUsE ThErE Is a mIrAcLe cOmInG, i cAn fEeL It

BuT WhAt i mOtHeRfUcKiN NeEd, My bRoThEr... AsIdE Of pLoWiNg nOsE FuCkInG FiRsT InTo a bItChIn pAn oF TeNaCiOuS MuCiLaGe. Is tO ChEcK OuT WhAt sLaMs yOu cAn sTiCk iN My dUcTs!

i've been kicking the wicked ignorance on this shit. BEEN MOTHERFUCKIN SLAUGHTERING THE WICKED IGNORANCE, BRO. all up in lifelong denial about my calling. AS A DESCENDANT OF THE HIGH MOTHERFUCKIN SUBJUGGLATORS. we are higher than you, brother. WE ARE HIGHER THAN MOTHERFUCKIN EVERYBODY. honk.

yeah wwell ok since wwe are the PALEST OF PALS A GUY COULD EVVER ASK FOR! i wwill tell you, evven though you wwill only humor me as usual since you dont agree wwith my agenda. any of my agendas really! none of the agendas, none of them

i dont knoww it probably doesnt matter. my feelins seem petty and meaninless noww. she had better things to wworry about than my ovverwwrought bullshit. like the dead guy wwho savved her. so forget it thanks anywway

I DIDNT EVER NEED ANYONE TO LOOK AFTER ME! i was totally fuckin fine my ambitions were noble and really none of your fuckin business QUITE FRANKLY your majesty! and the only reason i put up with stickin my flipper in this fuckin shithole quadrant with you was... ... nevermind

What about your friends? Do you ever think about them? If they are beneath you then they have to die too. And I know you like talking to some of them. You say you hate them but I think you are pretending!

Yes, Jade. It is time to face the facts! Our moons are gone too. If we wish to sleep now, our dreams must take place in the bubbles glubbed by the gods who live in the Furthest Ring. It is the infinite space which divides all sessions, completely unnavigable and unfathomable, untouched by the time or space of any universe in existence. Its lords are our slumberbuddies now. 38)

Is any of this serious? It’s so hard to tell! All of your memos have been so outrageous, I can't even decide what to take seriously anymore. This one sounds like the biggest whopper of all, to be conknest!

I began to wonder why I ever had the audacity to think I know much of anything about the world we live in or the journey we're about to take

Groan. You are completely impossible like this. I cannot believe you chose to do this today of all days. I should have known better! Here I am waking up bright and early, waiting all day with my nose pressed against this glass for the mail to come and wondering if you'll ever log on, and all the while you are just getting blind stinking schnocker-bottomed drunk.

A hard time for botching up the pooch! I think I just locked the door with that muttonheaded stunt. And now that mirrored obelisk is good as gone.

YOINK nabs kerfief an stops RPing for rest of chat i was only bringing it up so much in advance because of the end of the world about to happen and all and then i wouldnt get the chance

im in the lab doing a thing with my cat but that doesnt matter i was doing some thingkin and was still feeling guilty about fuckin up ur computer and all of the sudden im in bff~ath mode here so i gotta tell you something u need to know before its too late

calliope calliope calliope is 3 times the charm come onnnnn wake up sleepy head! le SIGN maybe youre just afk? i hope ur dumb POS brother doesnt end up reading this instead

Appearances are deceptive. I'm still in control here. Just doing this human thing we call "chilling out for half a goddamn minute."

Yeah. I sensed that was your plan. Which is kind of what I'm talking about. How can you win like that? I thought the point was to cooperate with your coplayers to achieve an objective. Not compete with them or try to kill them. I don't think we've had one conversation where you didn't express the desire to kill her.

I know! Ok, we're the same person! I fucking know that! Why do you think I'm so fed up with your shit? Don't you think it's possible that I'm fed up with my OWN shit?? How cool do you think it is having my own godawful personality mirrored back at me all the time, reminding me what it must be like when other people have to deal with me? Or constantly having all the consequences and fuckups resulting from my batshit thought processes amplified because there's another version of my crazy brain out there dangerously overclocked by a supercomputer which believes, just as mistakenly as my own broken mind, that it's operating in my best interest???

This rabbit im sure youve noticed is armed to the stitches! Hes got all four of the funny little weapons i mentioned thatre all deadly as the fucking dickens but that doesnt mean they are meant exclusively for the paws of mr terry kiser. (That is the name i call him.) Heck no.

If by causing trouble you mean clobbering the everfriggin tar out of me while still switched to the "novice" setting then yes. But that is not why i messaged you!!! I will not be deterred here jane. Jane i think its time we had an honest to goodness dame to fella talk. Like about our... Stuff. You know? Our feelings. Like how we feel about each other.

That was like... The brain ghost memory splinter of my best friend dirk who is stuck in my head and you cant see. And he was kinda hassling me and trying to get me to talk to him about how his real self has a thing for me but i kind of think it would be weird to talk to his brain impostor about that? At least for now. And then you showed up and you caught me at an awkward moment where he was threatening to make some bodily functions happen in front of you as a joke which would have been embarrassing as all blasted heck. But now it turns out you can read my mind too so im surrounded by brain invaders!