Actors needed for youtube let's read series adaptation of the Kingdom Keepers

Oh, be honest, Andy… if Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do?  I mean picture this, you’re there with all the sports.  I know exactly what you’d do, you’d say hi to him and when he left you’d cut him all up so your friends wouldn’t think you really liked him! ‘Cause I’m telling the truth, that makes me a b—? (to Bender) Okay, what about you, you hypocrite! Why don’t you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties?  Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high?  What about Andy? For that matter, what about me? What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together. They’d laugh their a— off and you’d probably tell them you were doing it with me so they’d forgive you for being seen with me. I hate you!

Shhh! Please. I’m sorry, but we’ve got to be very quiet, or we’ll frighten the spirits away! Come, let’s everyone hold hands. You too, Becky. Let’s close our eyes and think. (Pause) What do you suppose Becky’s mother would want to say to her? I think she’d say a bit about where she is now, where there are fields and fields of flowers, and a soft wind is always blowing. And if spirits can float around where they like, and I believe it’s true, perhaps Becky’s mama is in this room with us right now. And what do you think she would say?

You were nothing before you met me! You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout Cookie! I got you into a Remington Party! What’s my thanks? It’s on the hallway carpet. I get paid in puke! (totally in control) Monday morning, you’re history. I’ll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No one at Westerburg’s going to let you play their reindeer games.

When I was in junior high, I lived only a block and a half away from school. It took minutes to get there, cut even shorter if I ducked through a hole in the fence and walked right across the small field next to the school building. But every morning I would leave home far earlier than necessary and walk 15 or so blocks in the opposite direction to catch a big yellow school bus. It seems silly to say now, but I did it in an attempt to be normal. I know, I know, but hear me out:

So many kids rode the bus. So many kids complained about riding the bus. It was a part of junior high culture and I was missing out because of the location location location of my home. I mean, I’m sure the proximity to a school is part of the reason my parents got the place. But, each morning I walked in the wrong direction in order to complain about my subsequent bus ride. And each afternoon I rushed out of the building in time to jump on the bus – unable to participate in this after school activity or that one, sometimes dashing out mid-conversation with an “ugh, bus”.

Needless to say, this did not make me ‘normal’. All it did was make my life more difficult. Of course, this should come as no surprise. Normal things – a nerve-wracking phrase, despite or maybe because of its lack of meaning – normal things are always wildly difficult. Isn’t it the case that you never feel more outside of yourself than when you are doing something you think you are supposed to do? Doing normal things is like playing a massive life-encompassing game of follow-the-leader when nobody knows who the leader is – their just sure it isn’t them.

Beat

Here are some other phrases I find nerve-wracking, only some of which have meaning:
fiscal responsibility
hang in there
life choice
truly humbling experience
crystal clear
not an exit
identifies as
and criss cross applesauce … Well, that one’s not nerve-wracking if you really just want me to sit down cross-legged. But if it comes with the assumption that I will be squirm-free and attentive, we might have a problem.

I’ve always hated the term, “workaholic”. As if it was so bad to bring my work home with me. Or if there was something wrong with knowing what I want and doing what I have to in order to get there. When you love what you do, you have an intimacy with your craft. There is something sacred in the process and there is something holy about making your bed in your work and being committed to lying in it.

There are some days when I choose not to leave the apartment. Because if I don’t leave the apartment, I won’t get misgendered. My roommate isn’t going to do it, and her dog isn’t going to do it, and her boyfriend knows that he will get in trouble if he does it.

But then I remember what brings me home in the first place. It’s not always turning a key; sometimes it’s the audition room in itself, a callback without fear, a promise from a director. I have loved theatre for over twenty five years, since I saw Music Man and set up chairs in my living room to mimic a train. Home is made up of all the things we love the longest, isn’t it? And isn’t it also the place we hurt the most? The place that scars us as much as it loves us?

Theatre is an industry that is still very entrenched in the gender binary. There are male and female dressing rooms, character breakdowns that clearly read male and female, and you are told at an early age as an actor what your type is, in male and female terms.

When I was thirty one, I was cast in a production of The 39 Steps, where I played over sixteen male roles. And though I had played male roles before, it no longer felt like drag to me–instead, it was an extension of my gender identity. During that production, because of that production, I changed my pronouns from she, her, and hers to they, them and theirs. I lost friends because of it. I lost work because of it. It is the single hardest and best decision I have ever made.

(Insert personally selected monologue here.)

 What do you care what I think, anyway? I don’t even count, right?  I could disappear forever and it wouldn’t make any difference… I may as well not even exist at this school, remember? And you… don’t like me anyway! God, you’re so pathetic! (furious) Don’t you ever… ever! Compare yourself to me!  Okay? You got everything, and I gots—! F—in’ Rapunzel, right? School would probably f—ing shut down if you didn’t show up!  “Queenie isn’t here!

I like those earrings, Claire. Are those real diamonds, Claire? I bet they are… did you work, for the money for those earrings? Or did your daddy buy those? I bet he bought those for you!  I bet those are a Christmas gift! Right?  You know what I got for Christmas this year?  It was a banner f—in’ year at the old Bender family! I got a carton of cigarettes.  The old man grabbed me and said “Hey! Smoke up Johnny!” Okay, so go home’n cry to your daddy, don’t cry here, okay?

Chrissie and Rod are pretty obsessed with this rumor, aren’t they? I was thinking that if this rumor was true, it might explain quite a lot. Well – the Gallery for instance.  We never got to the bottom of it, what the Gallery was for.

Pictures, poetry, sculptures. It tells you something about yourself.  That’s the point about art, isn’t it?  It says what’s inside you.  Your soul. (beat) So suppose that the rumor is true.  A special arrangement has been made for Hailsham students. If they’re in love.  There would have to be a way to judge if couples are telling the truth, and not just lying to put off their donations.

Well that’s what the Gallery would be for.  In the Gallery, they can find out everything about us that they need to know. So if we say we’re in love, they can look into our souls, and they’ll know if it’s real love, or just a lie.

Okay, they’ve got him ready to move. They’ve started an IV. They’ve got monitors on him. They’ll be in touch with doctors from the back of the ambulance and may give him something on the way. I signed a release allowing them to treat him. If it’s…you know…drugs...

I didn’t say that, Gladis. All I said is, he seems okay. We need to change and get in the car. The best way to help him now is to be with him.

(If you have a fatherly type monologue, please read it now)

I was referring to the three-six-five you’re shooting for Disney Channel. The director uploads after hours.

So the sound was covered by the fireworks. (Laugh) Okay. This is part of your show, right? The late-night video dump? I thought you weren’t supposed to know about— Listen. Sorry. Okay? We’ll look into it.

If it was an accident, I need to know that right now. If it’s found to be vandalism and you’re trying to pull my chain, heads are going to roll.

(Monologue one) 

It’s like me, you know, with my grades… like, when I, when I step outside myself kinda, and when I, when I look in at myself, you know? And I see me and I don’t like what I see, I really don’t. ‘Cause I’m stupid… ’cause I’m failing shop.

See we had this assignment, to make this ceramic elephant, and um… and we had eight weeks to do it and we’re s’posed ta, and it was like a lamp, and when you pull the trunk the light was s’posed to go on… my light didn’t go on, I got an F on it.  Never got an F in my life… When I signed up, you know, for the course I mean.  I thought I was playing it real smart, you know. ‘Cause I thought, I’ll take shop, it’ll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average… Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?

(Monologue two)

Well, whadda ya know! It’s that special time of year again, here at the Maidenhead Country Club! It’s Safety Awareness Day! We all enjoyed the Anti-Polio Picnic this morning, and to top it all off, we’re very excited to be celebrating the Club’s brand new Atomic Age bomb shelter. Well done, Junior Disaster Committee! I’d like to remind the wait staff that in the event of a nuclear attack – the shelter is for members only. Anyhow, the Whiffles and I wish you a safe and aware Safety Awareness Day, and we hope you enjoy our little musical proffering. 

(Monologue three) 

Hazel Grace, like so many before you – and I say this with great affection – you spent your Wish… moronically. Hush! I’m in the midst of a grand soliloquy here. You were young. Impressionable. The Grim Reaper staring you in the face. And the fear of dying with your one true Wish left ungranted led you to rush into making one you didn’t really want, for how could little Hazel Grace, having never read “An Imperial Affliction” ever know that her one TRUE wish was to visit Mr. Peter Van Houten in his Amsterdamian exile.

If you were smart, you would have saved your wish til the time in your life when you really knew your true self. Good thing I saved mine. I’m not gonna give you my Wish or anything. But I too have an interest in meeting Peter Van Houten and it wouldn’t make much sense to meet him without the girl who introduced me to his book, now would it? I talked to the Genies and they’re in total agreement. (beat) We leave in a month.

(Monologue one) 

He tasks me. He tasks me, and I shall have him. I’ll chase him round the Moons of Nibia and round the Antares Maelstrom and round Perdition’s flames before I give him up!

(Monologue two)

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed — for lack of a better word — is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms — greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge — has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed — you mark my words — will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.

(Please use either a monologue or quote from the books for this character)

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

I promised to protect you and Amanda from Mrs. Nash, but I have an inquiry...You and Amanda mentioned the government's involvement. What gave you that impression?

That'll be all...Thank you...

Stand still...no sudden movement. No overreaction. 

Son, you do not want to treat us this way. You do not want Mr. Garlington looking upon you unfavorably. I have a job to do. We all have a job to do. In a couple of minutes, we're going to be working together anyway, so this stance of yours isn't helping.

I would like to say something your honor, not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock….your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life…Not only is he liar, and a cheat and a scoundrel, and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, he has also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years had dreamed of doing. But, your honor, as I understand it the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was…. this man…. no one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it’s not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man…. this man… this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today…he did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again. That’s all I have to say.

I know exactly what he’d tell you, lies. He was no different from any other officer in the ward room, they were all disloyal. I tried to run the ship properly, by the book, but they fought me at every turn. The crew wanted to walk around with their shirt tails hanging out, that’s all right, let them. Take the tow line, defective equipment, no more, no less. But they encouraged the crew to go around scoffing at me, and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles and then old yellow strain. I was to blame for Lt. Maryk’s incompetence and poor seamanship. Lt. Maryk was the perfect officer, but not Captain Queeg. Ah, but the strawberries, that’s, that’s where I had them, they laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the ward room icebox did exist, and I’ve had produced that key if they hadn’t pulled the Caine out of action. I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officer. … Naturally, I can only cover these things from memory. If I left anything out, why, just ask me specific questions and I’ll be glad to answer them, one by one.

A strange woman flies through your bedroom win­dow and pours sugar down your throat until you clean your room … Mary Poppins is scary. Another twisted tale in a tangled catalog, created by child psychologists to drum-up business. Just the other night, I was dreaming in Imax that I was taking my SATs, and sitting next to me was Harriet Potter … long lost sister of Harry-Filling-in her multiple choice answers with a #02 wand. Suddenly my pencil breaks! Harriet—who looks like Daniel Radcliff in a weave, casts a spell—“Nostrada­mus!”—And just like that, a fresh new pencil magically ap­pears in my hand,  and- I have a new best friend! I finish my SATs before my extended time, walk up the aisle, gingerly place the exam on the desk and retire my magic pencil into the proctor’s “I Heart Hogwarts” coffee mug. And that’s when I noticed … I just signed the passport to my future … with a number three pen­cil. A number three! Curse you Harriet Potter and the prison of your own ambition! No sooner had I returned to my seat then an alarm went off accompanied by red flashing lights and the ominous whirl of Blackhawk helicopters. (Voices a copter sound and then, as a SWAT officer) “Put down the pencil!” Then flying Dementors whisked me to a secret chamber where they place people who defy the warnings not to remove tags from pillowcases. My cellmate? None other than She-Who’s-Name-Cannot-Be-Mentioned Three Times: Scary Poppins?!  “Who asked you to return?! I gasped between hits of my inhaler:  “You and your dysfunctional kite flying, umbrella … paragliding, penguin step-dancing. What is wrong with you, lady? Grow up! (casting her out) I unfriend you and Harriet!”

Then I woke … to the gentle music of a breaking bus (makes sound) … day dreaming of a new bedtime story. One without a tangerine bear in a crop-top, or a purple dinosaur professing his love for me, or a home invasion by Goldilocks … or, or … frogs that turn into princes who act like toads after you’ve kissed them! And I will rescue a princess (or prince) who is neither Frozen, nor accompanied by a mutant snowman. Preferably someone calm. Whose high pitched singing does not attract Angry Birds that carry the West Nile Virus. And we will live happily ever after. In a bomb-shelter. With our number two pencils sans lead.  And deforesting.  And we will not answer the door on Halloween. If friends can trick you, why give strangers the option?

 Well… It’s just you and me now, companion. From this point on, according to rule number 72 we are never allowed to go anywhere without each other except the bathroom! It’s so awesome because all my friends always end up leaving me, but YOU CAN’T! HA HA HAAA! OKAY! Favorite movies! Are you a Star Wars guy or a Star Trek guy! I WANNA KNOW everything about you. Personally I like Star Wars but I’m willing to like Star Trek more if YOU think it’s better.

Well, whadda ya know! It’s that special time of year again, here at the Maidenhead Country Club! It’s Safety Awareness Day! We all enjoyed the Anti-Polio Picnic this morning, and to top it all off, we’re very excited to be celebrating the Club’s brand new Atomic Age bomb shelter. Well done, Junior Disaster Committee! I’d like to remind the wait staff that in the event of a nuclear attack – the shelter is for members only. Anyhow, the Whiffles and I wish you a safe and aware Safety Awareness Day, and we hope you enjoy our little musical proffering.

 I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren’t so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there’s the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I’ve done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I’d better see what I’ve got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely…I guess they’re right.  And when you’re really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There’s that cute little red-headed girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her? She’d probably laugh right in my face… it’s hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There’s an empty place next to her on the bench. There’s no reason why I couldn’t just go over and sit there. All I have to do is stand up… I’m standing up! I’m sitting down. I’m a coward. I’m so much of a coward, she wouldn’t even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can’t remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn’t she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn’t look at me? Is she so great, and I’m so small, that she can’t spare one little moment? SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!!

Well, well… If it isn’t the SUPER MORMON.  Spreading “the word”?! Making more –  BRAIN WASHED ZOMBIES?! How is it YOU converted all those people into Mormons! You get everything you pray for. YOU’RE doing everything I was supposed to do. Doesn’t that seem a little telling to you?! The universe doesn’t work the way we were told!  When I was nine years old… My family took a trip to Orlando, Florida.  It was the most wonderful, most magical place I had ever seen. I said to myself “THIS is where I want to spend eternity!”  My parents told me that if I made God proud, and did whatever the church asked, in the Latter Days I could have whatever I wanted.  So I WORKED and I WORKED.  And even when I studied Mormon stories and I thought, ‘That doesn’t make ANY SENSE’, I KEPT WORKING because I was told ONE DAY — I would get my reward!! Planet Orlando! But what do I have now? I can’t even get a ticket home…

This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.

Stitch not bad. Stitch fluffy!

You don’t belong here.

My name is Mulan! I did it to save my father.

Maybe I didn’t go for my father. Maybe what I really wanted was to prove I could do things right, so when I looked in the mirror, I’d see someone worthwhile. But I was wrong. I see nothing.

Benevolent Merfolk! Creatures of the     Deep!    Today marks a     special anniversary – for many years ago, on this fateful day, I inherited my father’s Kingdom and banished the Sea Witch Ursula forever!

It’s a wondrous talent, one that demands stewardship and care. So please. Ariel. For the sake of her memory. 

What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?

See, I told you having a lion on our side wasn't such a bad idea.

I'm awfully sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you.

Now, father, you're living in the past. This is the 14th century!

Well, of course. You said so yourself. Once upon a dream.

This is awkward. Not you’re awkward, but cause we’re…I’m awkward. You’re gorgeous. Wait, what?

That was like a crazy trust exercise.

Yeah. Anyway I got mad and so she got mad and then she tried to walk away and I grabbed her glove…

Wait, you got engaged to someone you just met that day?

I could kiss you. I could. I mean, I’d like to. I–may I? We me? I mean, may we? Wait, what?

Ice is my life!

Oh mama I have got to get me one of these!

This is the story of how I died. Don't worry, this is actually a very fun story and the truth is, it isn't even mine. This is the story of a girl named Rapunzel.

Alright, Blondie...

Nah. The manager's a vampire. He wanted me to join his legion of the undead.

You are so finished when I get in there! I'm gonna stuff you in the blender, push "puree," then bake you into a pie and feed it to the social worker! And when he says, "Mmmm, this is great, what's your secret?" I'm gonna say... ...Love... and... nurturing...

Lilo, Lilolo! Do we have a lobster door? No! We have a dog door! We are getting a dog!

Isn't this one new? It's awfully good. Looks very much like the gypsy girl. I know... YOU HELPED HER ESCAPE! And now, all Paris is burning because of you!

But what chance could a poor, misshapen child like you have against her heathen treachery? Well, never you mind, Quasimodo.

Serpents and Spiders, tail of a Rat. Awaken the spirits, wherever they're at!

Evil and darkness have fallen this night. But now, to survive, you must gain new sight.

Warlocks and witches, answer this call! Your presence is wanted at this ghostly ball!

Well, just be sure the puppies don’t do it again!  I don’t want the yowls and growls of spotted little furry creatures..... Spotted little furry creatures.....Why, I don’t think I’ve quite seen anything like them.    Look at the depth! Look at the patterns! Why they’re practically works of art! And just what I need to complete my collection! You know what? I’ve changed my mind. I’ve been without a pet long enough. No one to play with. I can’t wait to wear.....I mean, care for all the little puppies. I’ll buy the whole litter! How much?    

Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?

Well, it’s time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles!

You can’t get something for nothing, you know

 I tire of your arrogance, old man. Bow to me!

 By building his wall he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play his game.

This doll came from a village in the Tung Shao Pass, where the Imperial Army's waiting for us.

Trust me, my pungent friend, you’ll get what’s coming to you.

Your father has charged me with keeping peace in Agrabah. That boy was a criminal.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lord.

You know of Davy Jones? A man of the sea, a great sailor. Until he run afoul of that which vexes all men.

Same story, different versions. And all are true. See, it was a woman as changing and harsh and untamable as the sea. Him never stopped loving her. But the pain it caused was to much to live with, but not enough to cause him to die.

Many things you were, Davy Jones, but never cruel. You have corrupted your purpose, and so yourself, and you did hide away what should always have been mine!

Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!

Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... THIS!

Vehicle of my own design; 5,000 gallons of heated dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toon Town will be erased in a matter of minutes.