Life is a Table - A Halo Machinima Series

Life is a Table - A Halo Machinima Series

Project Overview

We now are up to Life is a Table 3. This is a story about love, revenge and acceptance. Shortly after the events of the previous installment, the protagonists must protect their prized weapon and intergalactic war hero, Shade, from the hands of the deranged Blu. The group will have to undergo harsh trials, such as defeating previous villains, defeating a news network and finding a way to save their hero before it's all too late.

The series is entirely satire, so a lot of strange and nonsense things will occur.

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Latest Updates

  • Life is a Table 2

    Well everyone, Life is a Table has just finished the editing phase. We're getting music sorted and then it will be live. However in the meantime, we have the sequel ready to go. In this comes new characters and new opportunities for current characters.
Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Killian
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Killian is a supervillain who aims to cause chaos on the land of Cunto. He is your typical mustache-twirling villain and loves to use his Evil League of Evil as a tool to enforce his villainous ways. When not doing evil schemes and conducting evil meetings, he is creating new technology to aid in his villainous desires. He also loves to tell villain-like jokes, or make puns in relation to such deeds.

  • (Excited) Mwah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh you foolish fools! You fell right into my trap. The trap of Killian! Oh yes! Despair all you like! The only good it will do is fuel my villainous dreams! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  • [He is caught off-guard by being interrupted] I-I... n-no. No! Villainy is the only option! You are wrong, nerdling!

  • [Beginning of a villainous monologue] Once, when I was just a lad, a boy with star-struck eyes, I had come to learn of an ancient technique. A technique that only the most vile and dastardly of villains could use to gain entrance into the evil underworld. To earn a parking ticket. Mweh heh heh heh heh!

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Darius
closed
Unpaid
Role assigned to: DexterManning

Darius is back in Life is a Table 2, but not under the circumstances you'd expect.

After finding out an impostor of himself had caused a rupture between his friends, the real Darius sought to find this faker and make them pay, However he found himself stumbling on a plot much bigger than he would have liked to undertake. But if it means making that copy-catting dick pay, then he will take those extra steps.

Darius can be rather edgy and dramatic, acting like a typical action hero. However unlike his false counterpart, Darius is a lot more confident in himself, knowing he is capable to do what it takes to make things right.

  • (Melodramatic) I got you this time, you son of a bitch. Your days are numbered. Hasta la vista, baby. Clean up on aisle dead. Gotta go fast. Live long and prosper.

  • (Confident) Well it's simple. He's a fake version of me. And I'm here to mop the fucking floor with him.

  • (Shocked) You son of a bitch... you did it. I should have put a bullet in your head first chance I got.

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Zero
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Zero is a mysterious figure who just seemed to exist all of a sudden, running around with a cheery manner and reckless abandon. Zero works for a mortician, Dr. Wilburn, as a nurse and assistant. Zero seems to be everywhere at any time, and continuously moves on, meeting new people and dubbing them 'roomie'.

Zero appears to only ever be happy and constantly excited, no matter the situation. However in spite of that, there seem to be much more mysteries surrounding who exactly Zero is, and what they intend to do.

  • (Excited) Roomie! I knew I would find you eventually!

  • (Cheery) Roomie, you know I'd do anything to keep this friendship going! You guys are so fun!

  • (Inquisitive) Tell me, Chris, did Eggman put you up to this? Or are you acting out of your own free will?

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Zachary Cunningham
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Zachary Cunningham is the leader of a group of vigilantes, the heroes. He sees himself above everyone else, because to him, he is pretty much god. He works under a charade that he is just wanting to stop the villains for the good of Cunto, but there could be more sinister plans in mind. He is confident, dramatic and patronizing, not taking anyone else seriously. Zachary takes advantage of Cunto, using loopholes and hiding his true and dark intentions from the public.

  • (Cheery) Hey guys. Robbing a bank, today? Aw, that's so sweet. But unfortunately, your little criminal acts stop here, with me. I'm the hero.

  • [Feigning kindness to his followers before talking to his team] Yep, yeah, you guys are great. Don't forget, I'm your hero. Ha ha... someone lock those fuckers outside.

  • [Dropping the act to talk to a villain] Right, let's cut the shit, yeah? Buddy, I couldn't give less of a fuck what little scheme you have underway. I'm the one in control here. What I say, goes. And what I say... is how about we make a performance, eh?

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Spazinski
closed
Unpaid
Role assigned to: Vladibear

Spazinski is Putin's personal guard, seeking vengeance for his president's death. He meets many people and searches far and wide for Shade, the murderer, in an attempt to bring him to patriotic justice.

Spazinski is very patriotic and eccentric, often very excited for things and is a very meme-y Russian. Go nuts.

  • (Surprised) Ah! Cyka Blyat! It is you! The killer of my fatherland's president!

  • (Dismissive) Nyet, nyet! Back home we don't have backstories. Too boring.

  • (Confused) But... if he is you... and you are him... then who is who?

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Vector Alphonso Sbroose
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Vector is pretty much insane. No one can predict what he may do next. Vector is a DJ and professional breakdancer, who has claimed he is beyond everyone else's "mortal realm". Vector has proven to be a psychic, communicating to the dead just to prove how badass he is. He often can be found running around, breakdancing and screaming great catchphrases. He is overdramatic and his tone and actions may change at the drop of a hat. Or the drop of a bass...

  • [Introducing himself to the nerds that stand before him] What's up, nerds!? I bet you can not even begin to comprehend what is before you! BEHOLD! I am! Vector! Alphonso! Sbroose! God can't hold me down!

  • [Making a new acquaintance] CHRIS! TIME TO DIE, CHRIS! Oh ho ho! You foolish bitch! I am Vector! Nyahhh! Don't get to mad at me, senpai! For I am beyond your mortal realm! Teehee!

  • [Breakdancing] Hmpf! Oof! Yar! Hurgh! Set the world aflame! You can not even imagine how I exist! For I exist beyond the tables! I am more than just a scrape on a table! More than a leg! I am god's evil twin cousin!

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Ted
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Ted is one of Darius' former friends who makes a return to help him in his quest against Obama Bin Laden. He uses an ability to swap places with someone known as his assistant, which has got him out of life-threatening situations.

Ted is quite theatrical and dramatic, often switching moods at the drop of a hat. He can be very inconsistent at times, like Darius.

  • (Shocked) I'm sorry what!? You blew up Obama Bin Laden's car!?

  • (Excited) Darius! Get the laser and strap the fuck in! We're following that bastard.

  • (Surprised/disappointed) Oh gadzooks! There he… oh no that’s not The Joker. That appears to be Jeff The Killer.

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Eggman
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Eggman is the new Satan of Hell 2. He leads over the realm for Dan Graves, accepting the deal once he was granted the opportunity to get revenge on Sonic. He has been on a mission to kill Sonic ever since he ruined Eggman's life.

Eggman is pretty much just Eggman, go wild. Loooaaads of yelling and getting mad at Sonic.

  • (Spiteful) No! Fuck off, Sonic! You ruined my life!

  • (Dismissive) Yeah, yeah, whatever! Stop bothering me and let me scheme how to execute Sonic!

  • (Excited) Ha ha! Get fucked you blue commie! This will be the day Eggman fucks the world!

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
xXW33DBL4Z3RXx (WeedBlazer)
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

WeedBlazer is Louis' team mate and is a former sniper champion. He and Louis had both played Call of Duty for years before getting bored and going outside to use their skills for real, being recruited by the Evil League of Evil due to his toxic personality. WeedBlazer wants to be an MLG champion, and so he goes around Cunto trying to get more kills, while being tied back to work on the villains' plans. Occasionally we hear him argue with his mother through the microphone, however it has been rumored by those around him to be some form of split persona.

  • [Arguing with his mother] Get the fuck outta my room I'm playing Halo with my clan! You forgot my fucking Doritos you fucking scrub!

  • [Trying to get attention] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 1v1 me! Hey! 1v1 me! Snipers only! Rust! 1v1 me! If you don't 1v1 me, you're literally dumb and not MLG!

  • (Excited) Oh! Oh my god! Oh my fucking god! Louis get that shot on DVR! Oh my god! You got noscoped, bitch! Ha!

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Russelle Thaddeus
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Russelle Thaddeus is a cosmonaut for the UNSC, having been in charge of leading a few Russians in space. He takes his job very seriously, to the point where he doesn't actually have a job, but he refuses to acknowledge it. He often is on the radio to mission control, and appears to be living in his own world of space flight and aerodynamics. He acts very dramatic and is convinced he is constantly on a space mission, discovering martian life and performing his duties.

  • [After turning off his radio, he greets the so-called martians] Hello, my name is Russelle Thaddeus. I am the head cosmonaut for the UNSC. Does my voice reach into your ear waves, martian?

  • (Panicked) AH! AHHH! REAR THRUSTERS DAMAGED! HULL BREACH! I'M GOING DOWN! MAYDAY MAYDAY!

  • (Breaking character) Huh? Fuck, right. I-I mean uh... um... affirmative, martian. We must achieve spaceflight.

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Obama Bin Laden
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Obama Bin Laden is a new president of South America who has decided he wants to perform 9/11 2. He bought a plane, explosives and the Universal Trade Center, all with the intention of blowing it up so that he can create another 9/11.

He is very eccentric and dramatic, at all times seem rather excited or melodramatic. He has a disregard for the Universal Trade Center, but believes destroying it will found a greater America.

Voice is completely up to the VA, I don't mind if it sounds like Obama or whoever you want.

  • (Excited) Trick question! Ha ha! I am the president of the Universal Trade Center, I can’t give you all that money! I already spent it!

  • Fuck-a you! Reeeeee!

  • (Dramatic) You still don’t get it do you? Once I’m gone, who’s gonna stop the next Obama from making these very same choices?

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
JFK
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

JFK is the key to defeating Obama Bin Laden in this series. He hides out in an enchanted forest, away from the commies that seek to do him and his beloved America harm.

JFK can be rather goofy and eccentric, but overall composed in his adventures. He often loves to get into a fight and take up modern gaming.

Voice-wise, it is preferential to do a similar voice to his, but mostly it's the same way he talks that we're looking for.

  • It is I, your famed president, JFK. I am the second coming of God Christ. Now, gimme that laser, son.

  • Good, I love the moon landing. My favorite TV show of all time, next to Black Ops Zombies.

  • Indeed my friend. I believe it states in the presidential handbook that all those who get punched in the cock must be taken to Hell 2.

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Keemstar
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Keemstar is here. He hosts his show in Cunto and hands out cards for people to use them whenever drama is occuring. He pretty much is an even more dramatic Keemstar, often dropping character to yell at people on his show.

  • (Upbeat) What is up drama alert nation!? I'm your host Killer Keemstarrrrr! Let's get roooiiiight into the news!

  • [Reacting to being interrupted] SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THIS IS MY FUCKING SHOW! AND YOU! SHUT THE FUCK UP WHEN I'M TALKING, BITCH! WHO BROUGHT THESE FUCKING AMATEURS ONTO MY SHOW!?

  • [Having a duel of news] Let's get roooiiiight into the duel! I place down drama alert, I attack first. Blu, isn't it true you crashed your car into a school bus because you were late for work?

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Daniels
closed
Unpaid
Role assigned to: Antonio Gaskill

Daniels is a camerman, working with Dan Graves in filming some very cool shots of the actor.

Daniels is a kind and supportive person, at times naive but still hopeful. He is very loyal and an often happy person, excited about the work he puts in, wanting to be a director himself one day.

  • (Confused) Uhhh..... no? I think you were meaning to talk to Eggman.

  • (Terrified) Ah! Dan! Blu is staring at me all funny and I don't have enough storage to record it! What do I do!?

  • (Excited) Oh! Hold on... just lemme get this photo and we'll be good to go.

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Putin
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Putin is the president of Russia. However he quickly finds himself dead and in Hell 2 with JFK and a few other fellows. It is here, he must put aside his bias and work with the others in order to escape and warn Spazinski of the possibilities behind Shade's attack.

Putin is patriotic and holds disdain for JFK and the Americans, however he has a kind heart behind it all and only seeks to build Russia to its greatest.

  • (Dramatic) Shade... I knew one day, your American foot would step onto this soil.

  • (Interested) Oh, right! Yes I was once MLG, competing in the Hitler Olympics.

  • (Concerned) JFK... what the hell is this place?

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Jeff The Killer
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Jeff The Killer is found by Ted on accident since they were looking for the Joker. Jeff knows all that the Guardians of the Tilted Towers knew, and has the location of Obama Bin Laden's plane.

Jeff is a rather chill dude, nothing at all like the Creepypastas. He mostly just wants to hide in his temple.

  • Jeff The Killer is my full name, but who needs those, am I right?

  • Oh… I see. You wish to know the fabled tragedy of Obama Bin Laden’s plane.

  • Anyway, the plane then became like a fucked up baby, being stored away for later use to create a better America.

Voice Actor
Voice Actor
Sonic The Hedgehog
closed
Unpaid
cast offsite

Sonic the Hedgehog used to live in Darius' television as a game character, until he had enough and broke out while Darius was away. He became aware of the many arcs that have occurred in this universe and was wanting to take part. Soon, Sonic was hired by Obama to keep people away from his plane. He had a disagreement with the Guardians of the Tilted Towers for not making him one of them.

And so his task from then on is to kill off anyone who knows he murdered the Guardians and keep Obama's plan in action.

His personality is pretty much like Sonic, just with memes and villainy.

  • I broke out of your TV, Darius! And now I’m here for the Refuckening!

  • Obama mentioned a new arc. The Re-nine-eleven-ing.

  • Heh! You don’t remember? It’s me! Sonic!

Comments

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