Fandubs of Loathing

That hat doesn’t fit you, Dad.

You’ve read the papers, Rufus. The people out West are in trouble. They need all the help they can get.

I’ll be okay. You worry about taking care of Mom and Dad, I’ll worry about me.

Howdy, [cowboy/cowgirl] who’s gonna be searchin’ the spittoon for [his/her] teeth if [he/she] don’t leave me in peace.

Well, I guess a passing herd sniffed out that it used’ta be a cow ranch, and they attacked. Couple days ago. Happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to get my gun outta the gun safe. Cows smashed in the front door, and a fire started out back by the root cellar. House went up in flames, just like that.

Well, that’s enough wallowin’ in misery. Time for me to hit the road. If you want me to tag along when you head west, you just say the word.

That depends on how fast I can get this whiskey into my bloodstream compared to how fast my liver filters it out. And I can’t talk and drink at the same time, so…

You haven’t seen it? Corpses and skeletons staggering around like puppets with half their strings cut, looking to take a bite out of the living?

Every doctor loses one now and again. You never get used to it, but… well, it happens. But what doesn’t happen is them coming back afterward and looking for revenge.

You headin’ west? If’n ya want some company, I’d be more’n happy to come along– jes’ lemme know! No pressure!

Who, me? Well heck, I say all kinds o’ things! F’r’instance: Dag-nabbed machines, can’t trust em no more’n a dirty scab-shangle!

Listen, kid. All this what stuff I been buyin’ from ya… You been spendin’ time unnerground, ain’t’cha? Well, you lissen ta Ol’ Pete’s advice: You’ll stay outta Orehole if ya know what’s good for ya. There’s stuff down on the fortieth level that ain’t worth messin’ with for a fella wants to keep his eyes… if ya catch my meanin’.

Hi. Hi hello. Hello I am Gary. Who are you?

High away! High away and far up, for popping! Popping and then new Gary everywhere! Everywhere everywhere!

Gary doesn’t likes to settling! Gary wants to traveling and popping! If [PC] going far up and high away, maybe taking Gary with you, eh? Eh?

You didn’t let me finish.

Buffalo… Buffalo… Buffalo… Bill. My name is Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Bill. Pay attention!

I remember… Eating grass. / Shooting. Lots of shooting. And… people cheering… about the shooting?

What? Oh! I didn’t notice you come in. I’m not used to visitors, but folks generally call me the Perfessor. Is there something I can do for you?

El Vibrato. They were an ancient race that lived here long before humans! Well, they mostly lived underground, so they might still be living, as far as I know. Never seen a peep of an actual person, though, just the machines they left behind.

Could be aliens, or genius pre-humans, or an entirely different terrestrial evolutionary line. At this stage of investigation it’s impossible to say! Isn’t it exciting?

Well now, I s’pose you can’t be any worse than that last clown. Name’s Smee. I’m your assistant.

Well, by my calculations, we could dynamite it clear without too much trouble. Problem is, it’ll take a lot of dynamite. A whole year’s worth, I figure. We used to keep that much on hand, for emergencies just such as this one, but a pack of goblins stole it all. Sneaky little varmints.

There’s an old mine town up north called Breadwood– they opened a lumber camp after the mines dried up. If you can fix a deal with them for the lumber we need, I can handle the engineering side of things.