🗡️Balders Gate 3 D&D One-Shot Comedy: Episode 1

Hello, darling. Don't be shy, I promise not to bite until we've been formally introduced. My name's Astarion, and I've spent a century stalking the night, hunting for pretty morsels like you.

Shh. Not a sound. Not if you want to keep that darling neck of yours.

I can't even tell if any of you are acting strange because you've been replaced, or because this group is full of weirdos!

My name is Shadowheart, loyal servant of Shar, goddess of darkness and loss. There is little more I can tell you than that. My Lady Shar tasked me with a mission of such secrecy that I surrendered great swathes of my memory in order to safeguard the knowledge of it. All I know is that I must bring the artifact I hold to Baldur's Gate, and that nothing can stand in my way.

Pain. Hope. The promise of better days. All of these are heavy cloaks that bend our backs and burden our hearts.

If you're expecting me to drop to my knees before you, forget it. (Flirty)

Ten years ago, I was sold to the archdevil Zariel - she put a hellfire engine in my chest and made me her prize soldier. But I've escaped now - thank you, mind flayers - and I've got a few scores to settle, if this engine doesn't burn me to ash first.

In this moment, here I am, there you are. Breathing, talking, even laughing if we want.

Gods I want to ride you until you see stars.

You find yourself in the presence of the renowned wizarding prodigy, Gale of Waterdeep - please, no need to be intimidated. My virtuosic talents once caught the eye of the goddess of magic herself, Mystra, who named me her Chosen, and her lover.

A vampire... I knew it. It was the teeth! Total giveaway.

As long as we travel together, what’s mine is yours. And if we survive our many ordeals, I’ll host you a banquet in Waterdeep the likes of which you’ve never seen.

Seven years ago, I was exiled from Baldur's Gate, the city I call home. My name is Wyll, but the people of the Sword Coast call me the Blade of Frontiers - champion of the meek, defender of the innocent.

I always save the best stories for my closest friends and my cruelest enemies.

You absolute shit-stain!

Since I was born in the cold reaches of Wildspace, I have known but one purpose: to wield a silver sword and ride a red dragon in service of my regent, the githyanki queen Vlaakith.

I hardly believe in love at all. But I do believe in carnal pleasure.

Your hand...now!