Basic premise is Nevada has gone back to normal and Hank J. Wimbleton goes to the library angrily after angrily kissing his boyfriend 2BDamned. One of the books he reads is actually magical. And because it's magical, out comes a lil fairy cat named Twinkle. She explains that she's looking for two magical grunts named Mahou Heart and Mahou Halo (Jeb and Hofnarr). Magical Grunts are cool legendary warriors who protect the very concept of happiness for every grunt ever. And then Hank becomes a magical grunt lol
there are fairies in this au lol
Deep voice yet with emotion. Gimme a former assassin that's just slightly tired of everyone's shit yet he has a kitty kitty cat he can constantly pet. That's what I imagine for Hank's voice.
If you aren’t wondering who I am, then you already know me. If you are, hello. My name is Hank James Wimbleton. Even though, shut up, yes that’s my actual middle name. I prefer it to be Motherfucker though. The J is silent.
[You're monologuing to yourself all cool like, pretending that the madness is still happening.]
Ooh you're such a good little kitty witty yes you are! Yes you are!!
[Omfg kitty look at da widdle kitty, pretend you're all cooey and soft about the fairy kitty in front of you]
Magical Operation!
[very cool magical girl transformation phrase. think of sailor moon yelling her transformation phrase when yelling this. Also yell this line please lol]
Grumpy british grunt that is tired of everyone's shit but is very in love with his boyfriend who's somewhat a dumbass. That's all you need.
(annoyed) Hank, get over it. Nevada’s gone back to normal.
[You're tired of your boyfriend's shit lol]
(worried) Hank, where have you been? I thought you went to the library.
[Local british grunt is worried about where his boyfriend has been because he doesn't know he's a magical grunt.]
(angry) QUIT BANGING ON MY DOOR, YOU GODDAMN 12 YEAR OLDS!!
[2B gets rid of the 12 year old grunts that keep pulling a ding dong ditch on him.]
Calm and slightly deep voice that's very reassuring. Sanford in this is I guess also somewhat dumb but look at the guy he's a goddamn malewife and no one can change my mind on that.
"The cat is some sort of fairy and you became a magical girl in the process of being involved with said cat?"
[Sanford somehow automatically assumes Hank's magical situation and gets it fucking spot on.]
"Do we get our own names? What phrase do we have to say to transform?"
[Sanford asks the fairies all the gotdamn questions about being a magical grunt]
(triumphantly) "The power of being gay as fuck!"
[Holy shit he and deimos got da power of being gay af lol]
chaotic 23 year old that's very in love with his cool himbo husband. Slightly scratchy voice bc this bitch smaoked but he mostly eats nicotine filled lollipops because they banned cigarettes in Nevada lel
"wAKE THE FUCKY WUCKY UPPY, YOU BIG TITTED BITCH!"
[Deimos yells this at Sanford if he ever starts sleepwalking. It mostly works. Sometimes.]
"The Burning Determination! Mahou Kalayo!"
[Magical girl catchphrase and name lol. Kalayo in this is pronounced Kuh-lie-oh]
(yelling) I SCREAM WHENEVER I’M BORED!!
[Deimos screams whenever he's bored.]
In between high pitch and low voice. Think of what a cat would sound like, but make her slightly stubborn yet determined.
Why yes I am! My name is Twinkle. And I come in search of warriors of Magical Combat. And mostly to look for Mahou Heart and Mahou Halo.
[Twinkle introducing herself to Hank and her motives of being on Earth.]
Excuse me? You are the Hank of the Wimbleton bloodline! You’ve killed several people and caused the apocalypse!!
[She's trying her best to motivate Hank to fight the sadgoblin. A little confused but she got the spirit.]
(excited) WAAAAA! I DID IT! I FOUND MY FIRST MAGICAL GRUNT!!
[Twinkle was looking for Heart and Halo but found a new generation of magical grunts through Hank. She's happy as fuck :)]
High pitched little kid. Lil fishy who is chaotic but adorable af.
I ate the hat dude’s candy on a stick!
[Surf accidentally ate Deimos' special lollipops. They're cherry flavored and full of nicotine lol]
Who the fuck is Feathertuft?
[Surf is only a little kid she shouldn't be cussing lol]
2B! Lava started it! I was just asking who Feathertuft is!
[Surf is grumpy because her older birb brother Lava told her curse words are bad.]
High pitched squawk squawk bird voice lol but not too high pitched. Find that in betweeness of birb and fairy thats very chill
Surf! Language! You’re only 8!
[Telling his little fish sister cussing is bad]
I don’t get it. Why are you guys opposing his decision on him playing baseball?
[birb doesnt understand baseball.]
bird noises lol
[Literally just make bird noises lol]
(angry) ENOUGH WITH THE GODDAMN HAWAIIAN PUNCH, THE 5 OF YOU!!
[Audi's gang of stupid lil gay evil grunts are too distracted by the hawaiian punch Jeb is drinkin.]
(annoyed) Fuck it. I’m done with the 5 of you holy shit all of you are so fucking dumb. Sheriff!
[Audi is done with everyone's shit then yells at his husband]
(unamused) I'm surrounded by idiots.
[very done with everyones shit.]
literally just do a cowboy voice but with gruffness to it. yeehaw more like hawyee
Yeehaw!
[just say yeehaw lol]
(annoyed) Shut up, Tricky.
[Tricky said something stupid and Sheriff doesn't like it.]
There’s only one of him. What’s the worst that could happen?
[Sheriff accidentally predicts Sanford and Deimos becoming Magical Grunts without knowing.]
chaotic unhinged clown. high pitched. kooky clown haha heeheeh
JEBBY!! STOP CHOKING!!
[Tricky yells at Jeb to stop choking on di- i mean hawaiian punch. no really, he's choking on hawaiian punch someone help him]
AHAHAHAHAHA DUTY! HE SAID DOODIE AHAHAHAHAH-
[Tricky laughs at funny poop joke that was unintentional]
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA LEZ GO BESTIE!!! PERIODT GIVE US NOTHING!!
[Tricky is very excited lol]
squawk squawk birb mad scientist
Now, as I was saying, what brings you over here, sparkly besties?
[crackpot is hapy]
Can we bet the pencil too or is that off the table?
[crack wants to bet off the pencil for a challenge]
I’M GONNA PUT COCAINE IN THE HAWAIIAN PUNCH!!
[he puts cocaine in the hawaiian punch]
*choking noises*
[i swear this au isnt nsfw i swear to the auditor just do it or dont]
I'm drinking Hawaiian Punch
[Jeb drinks hawaiian punch]
Tricky for the love of god shut up
[Jeb is done with his ex boyfriend]
echoey deep voice.
So, the collecting went well until that fucker named Hank came around with his fairy cat and beat the shit out of me AND the Sadgoblin.
[Phobos explains episode 1 to auditor lol]
ur mom lol
[Phobos likes ur mom jokes]
(grumpy) Nevermind it’s just you.
[Phobos spots his annoying little brother Deimos.]
You can do any voice for Narrator since they have no gender. They're just here to tell the story of Magical Combat :)
Reminder this au is half shitpost half actual content. This is the shitpost part.
[Narrator gives a reminder that this is very much a shitpost]
Cassidy is Sheriff's real name apparently.
[Narrator is confused.]
TRICKY STOP TALKING TO ME I'M THE NARRATOR NOT A MAIN CHARACTER! PRETEND I'M NOT HERE!!
[Insert obligatory self aware character can hear the narrator joke here. or Clown is so insane that he hears Narrator in his head]
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