Crystal Clear Parody
Project Overview
Crystal Clear Parody is an abridged parody series of Sailor Moon Crystal, focused specifically on the third season (a.k.a. the Infinity Arc). This is a parody basd on self-aware humor purtaining to various aspects of the Sailor Moon franchise and its [less than stellar] history.
This parody utilizes English names from the old DiC and Cloverway English dubs, makes allusions to the "cousins" thing (you know what I'm talking about), and reveals the evils of the Mguen Academy that are rooted in Tom Cruise and a dark Scientologist plot.
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The father of Hotaru who's also a scientist working at Mugen Academy. He's been exiled from the scientific community for illict activity and immoral experiments. While he may care for his daughter, his research always comes first.
Well hello there. I'm not evil. Believe me. I'm just a single father trying to make it work. Also, there is no ice cream shop.
Hotaru, you know I love you. All I want is for you to be as strong as you can possibly be. I know it hurts, but you have to tolerate the pain. You'll understand in the end when our Master Pharaoh 90 rewards us for our loyalty, and makes us gods. Then we can be together forever, with your mother.
A creepy guy who goes to Jubanville Public Middle School with Serena and her friends. He's always handy when you need a convenient exposition dump... but seriously though, he is creepy.
Hey did you hear about that Daimon attack downtown What, you already did? Oh... my one job was exposition... I'm gonna go cry in the corner.
Diana is from 30th century Earth like Rini. She's the daughter of Luna and Artemis, and she is adorable... that's about it.
I'm the daughter of Luna and Artemis... no, seriously. They totally did it.
Small Lady is the sweetest person I know, even if she doesn't always show it!
Andrew's classmate and possible girlfriend (no one is quite sure). Unlike Andrew, she isn't stupid and knows not to go to the creepy place where all the monsters are appearing, end of the world stormclouds are gathering, and people have been disappearing mysteriously... so she's basically the audience in a character.
Andrew... you are an idiot. Do you WANT to die by Daimon?
Serena's father is a scientist (or professor, we're not really sure, but he smart) who loves his daughter unconditionally. He wants her to stay a child forever... too bad she's been given the responsibility of defending the galaxy against demonic nebulous evils.
Serena, you are too young to date. At least let me meet the guy... wait, he's in college? I'm done. I am done. I give up. I have failed as a father and as a human being. * sobs *
A Level 999 member of the Witches 5 split into two. Cyprine made Ptilol as an extension of her mind; they are - to put it simply - one person across two bodies. As a Witch Trainer, she is the one who instructs the lesser witches in their missions under Kaorinite. They are by far the coldest and strongest of the Witches 5, with the ability to bring out the darkness buried at the bottom of people's hearts.
Ribbon Buster!
At Level 999, I am Cyprine, the leader of the Witches 5. And once I kill you, Sailor Guardians, I'll FINALLY get over this damn level cap and become a Magus like Kaorinite!
Will you quit calling me Tortilla? It's Ptilol: Teh-Lol. It's not that hard to pronounce... fight me.
A Level 202 member of the Witches 5. Biruit doubles as a science professor at Mugen Academy.
Mosaic Buster!
At Level 202, I am Biruit of the Witches 5! And I will show you, Sailor Mercury, that love is a waste of time in the scientific world! Let me prove it by ripping your flesh to shreds with my nanobots!
Love and emotion are such a waste of time. Clearly, you can only perform science accurately with a cold and logical heart. That definitely makes sense because love and science totally are interrelated somehow. This doesn't sound like a religious anti-science PSA at all.
A Level 78 member of the Witches 5. Eudial doubles as an etiquette and philosophy professor at Mugen Academy.
Fire Buster!
At Level 78, I am Eudial of the Witches 5... NO, MY NAME IS NOT THE SAME NAME FOR AN INFECTION! STOP CALLING ME EUGELE!
Hey, Mars... I know you're a very... spiritual person. Your talents are too good to waste on that airhead Sailor Moon. Why not run off with me, and we can train in the martial arts and etiquette together... in a totally not lesbian way... totally not gay...
Andrew works at the Game Crown Arcade, and for some reason always hangs around young girls like Serena and her friends... yeah... oh, and he's also an idiot who likes to go to dangerous-looking places. Typical.
You're really good at the Sailor V game, Rita! You wanna go to one of those restaurants over by Mugen Academy later? Yes, I know there are ominous clouds of death over there, but maybe it'll be fun.
The lab assistant and mistress of Souichi. Kaori has an obsession with power, and is a Magus who instructs the Witches 5 in her missions.
Whoever defeats the Sailor Scouts will be raised to the level of Magus, a title which I currently hold. Whatever that means, I have no fuckin' clue.
I knew from the moment Master Pharaoh 90 mentioned Mistress 9, that my days were numbered. I was expendable. Suddenly, that promise of power turned into a death sentence. But I might as well make the best of it. If I'm to die, it won't be alone.
Serena's best friend at school... well, before she became a Sailor Scout. Now Molly just... exists... that's about it. Oh, and she has a Boston accent... because reasons.
Honestly, Serena, you need to get it together... MELVIN, QUIT FOLLOWING ME!
Michelle is graceful and elegant. Though she may be soft-spoken at times, that won't stop her from being ruthless in fulfilling her mission. Her cold demeanor is only matched by the majesty of her persona.
Neptune Planet Power!
Deep Submerge!
Submarine Reflection!
There are times when you have to bloody your hands. You cannot save everyone. Sometimes lives must be sacrificed for the greater good. I know you cannot handle that, but that is why we Outer Scouts exist, and that is why we cannot have you getting in our way.
Protected by Neptune, the Planet of Water, I am Sailor Neptune, Guardian of the Deep Seas.
Amara is a free spirit that isn't confined to the boundaries others set for her. Whether they see her as male, female, or anything else is of no signifcance to her. She loves flirting to make others feel good about themselves, especially when it's her Princess. But at the end of the day, she'll always be loyal to Michelle.
Uranus Planet Power!
World Shaking!
Space Sword Blaster!
I'm sorry for confusing you, meatball head. I just... I really wanted to see you again. I really care about you, and I wish I could be there for you, but my job is to watch over you from afar. I hope you'll understand, I really do... I'm sorry.
Protected by Uranus, the Planet of Wind, I am Sailor Uranus, Guardian of the Heavens.
A friend and classmate of Darien who looks up to him as a role model (whether it is a legit man crush is up in the air). He also had a thing for Lita... til she stopped talking to him... yeah... life doesn't like him. Oh, and he has multiple names because no one really cares about him. Poor nameless child.
I'm not sure whether I love Lita or Darien... I mean, Lita made out with me last season, but then she got abducted and then never spoke to me again... you don't do that to people.
The mother of Serena who is part of a women's association (whatever that is, it sounds cool). She's a loving stay-at-home mother, but when her daughter brings home a failing test score... the gloves are off.
I wish Serena was more like Sailor Moon... seriously, they don't look ANYTHING alike.
A Level 404 (Error: Not Found) member of the Witches 5. Telulu doubles as a botany and physical education professor at Mugen Academy.
Mandragora Buster!
At Level 404, I am Telulu of the Witches 5... yeah, I got it. 404, Witch Not Found. Can you save that until AFTER I die, thank you very much.
Well, I've finally done it. I've opened open the Tellu Shop of Horrors. All my creations are ready. The plants are dressed, have their tap shoes, and have trained for this since they were grown. It's our time. We shall take this world by storm and prove to them all... PLANTS CAN SING.
... don't judge me, of all the weird things in this show, this is pretty damn low on the list.
Serena is a very energetic and happy girl who loves to make people smile and laugh. She's pretty much a 5 year-old year on a constant sugar high in the body of a teenage girl who also happens to have to fight evil on a daily basis.
Moon Cosmic Power!
Moon Crisis Power!
Moon Spiral Heart Attack!
Rainbow Moon Heartache!
Rainbow Double Moon Heartache!
Moon Disguise Power, Change Me Into A Mugen Academy Student!
Hi there! My name is Serena, and I go to Jubanville Public Middle School! I'm fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight... okay, fine, I'm really just a klutz who does awful in school, but hey, I'm also Sailor Moon! The Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and Justice... and occasionally the McDonald's down the street whenever a Daimon shows up to ruin the wonderful delicacies of fast food! Don't judge me!
And don't even think about going after my boyfriend Darien! He is mine and we will rule the 30th century Earth with love and compassion, and if you've got a problem with it, imma blast you into the dark depths of space!
Oh, and I totally don't have a sort of lesbian crush on Sailor Uranus... totally don't... HEY, AMARA, WAIT UP!
I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and for Justice! I am Sailor Moon! In the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!
A nebulous evil deity from the Tau Star System, Pharaoh 90's goal is to abandon his dying home nebula and become one with the Earth. Also he may or may not be Tom Cruise and peddling Scientology to the students of Mugen Academy. We're not entirely sure yet. What we do know is that his Taioron Crystal looks like corn, and as we all know, corn equals cult.
Obtain the power similar to the Taioron Crystal whose name we don't know even though it is referred to exlusively as the Legendary Silver Crystal every 5 seconds! Now!
Our Tau Star System has died, and now we must prepare this new planet to be our motherland. It shall be a Hoste for me to become on with, and the life on this planet shall be sacrificed so I may inhabit their land.
The 900 year-old daughter of Serena and Darien trapped in the body of an 8 year-old... yeah. Her personality is pretty much just like Serena's, for better or worse. She's always trying to prove herself and be the best guardian she can be.
Moon Prism Power!
Pink Sugar Heart Attack!
Rainbow Double Moon Heartache!
Whatever my mom's told you about me, it's not true! The only brat around here is Serena, for sure!
Anyway, my actual name is Serena Small Lady Serenity, because apparently my mom thought her name repeated on and on would be perfect for her daughter's name.
I'm 900 years-old, a Sailor Scout in training, and totally don't have an Elektra complex... you can't prove anything.
I am the Pretty Guardian in training, who fights for Love and for Justice. I am Sailor Mini Moon! In the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!
Mina is the leader of the Inner Sailor Scouts, and has been awakened far longer than any of the others. While she can be intensely serious and single-focused, she can also let loose and be incredibly hyper, even more so than Serena.
Venus Planet Power!
Venus Love Chain Encircle!
Venus Wink Chain Sword!
Moon Disguise Power, Change Me Into A Boy Mugen Academy Student!
Hi, I'm Mina, and I wanna be an idol! There's... not much else to it.
I mean, I'm also Sailor Venus and have nearly had my life taken from me countless times by grenades and psychotic demons and also have a curse thrust upon my eternal soul to never be able to find love, but you know, shit happens.
I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and for Beauty! I am Sailor Venus! I'll punish you with the power of Love!
Luna is a talking cat from the moon who awakened Serena as Sailor Moon. Luna was an advisor to Queen Serenity I, and deeply cares for Serena.
Serena, you are Sailor Moon, the Guardian of Love and... you seriously did not just go back to sleep... oh my god, this is gonna be a long eternity.
I'm supposed to be her guardian. Her instructor. Yet... I can't do anything to help her. Here I am, just watching her fight and I can't do anything for her... why am I even here?
Trista - though seeming cold - is a very kind and caring person. She takes her mission seriously, willing to sacrifice her own happiness, values, and even her life to fulfill it.
Pluto Planet Power!
Deadly Scream. (soft voice)
Chronos Typhoon. (soft voice)
Rini... I hope you'll forgive me for what I'm about to do. Saturn cannot be allowed to reawaken... I can't lose the people I love again, and I can't let you die by her glaive. When this is all over, I hope you will understand. If you hate me for it... I will understand.
I am the solitary Guardian who defends the Door of Space and Time! The law requires all trespassers be eliminated, no matter whom they may be.
A Level 48 member of the Witches 5. Mimete doubles as a performing arts professor at Mugen Academy as well as a widely popular idol.
Charm Buster!
At Level 48, I am Mimete of the Witches 5! What... yes, thank you, I am aware I am at the bottom of the food chain, Eudial, will you shut up? Don't make me cut the brakes on your car again!
Wow, he's so dreamy and nice and perfect. He must have a pure heart... * gasp * he looked at me! Oh my god, he feels the same way about me! We're in love... wait, what's he doing with that girl... WHAT?! THAT SLUT! HOW DARE HE! PREPARE TO DIE BY DAIMON, BETRAYER!
Well she is cold, Saturn is - in a way - the savior of the solar system. She is only awakened when things become so dire that she must destroy everything and then recreate the planets, giving their inhabitants another chance at life.
Hotaru is a very frail girl. While she is cold towards others due to the bullying she receives, she does have a soft spot in her heart for Rini and - eventually - for all the Sailor Scouts.
Death Reborn Revolution!
I don't know why she's my friend... I'm a freak. I don't deserve to live. My father doesn't care about me. I'm nothing but his perfect little cyborg; his "greatest creation." My life is pointless... so why am I still fighting?
I am an emissary from the Abyss of Death. I am protected by Saturn, the Planet of Silence. I am Sailor Saturn.
It seems as thought I am always the uninvited guest. I wasn't meant to be awakened. Hotaru should have died long ago, but something changed predetermined events, and a chain reaction was set in motion towards the event horizon. Destiny has been altered, and now I must correct it. If that means the destruction of this world, so be it.
Amy has an I.Q. of 300 and wields the powers of water and ice. She's highly intelligent, introverted, and timid. She's the sweetest thing on the planet, but isn't afraid to douse you in water and make you repent.
Mercury Planet Power!
Mercury Ice Storm Blast!
Mercury Aqua Mirage!
I'm Amy, and I attend the Jubanville Public Middle School. Before I met Serena, I didn't have any friends, but now I do (though I should admit that my scores were higher before I met her as well, but I digress). I enjoy reading, musical composition, and the sciences. I hope to become a doctor like my mother when I'm adult. Hopefully my test scores will be good enough to get me into a good university once I finish high school.
I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and for Intelligence! I am Sailor Mercury! Douse yourself in water, and repent!
Lita is a strong-willed and independent woman, but is also very nurturing and maternal. She loves cooking, sewing, gardening, and throwing the occasional jerkish guy over her head. She's also a hopeless romantic, and will defend her friends to the last breath.
Jupiter Planet Power!
Jupiter Thunderclap Zap!
Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!
I'm Lita, and no, I didn't get kicked out of my old school for fighting, and NO, you DON'T remind me of my ex-boyfriend. Just because I happen to like throwing men over my head doesn't make me frightening. Serena agrees. If you've got a problem, then fight me. FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW.
Also, would you like some cookies? We can go to my apartment. There's... uh... lots of plants... so... lots of... oxygen... love me, please.
I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and for Courage! I am Sailor Jupiter! I'll fill you with regret; it'll leave you numb!
Artemis was an advisor of Queen Serenity I alongside Luna. He awakened Mina as Sailor V / Sailor Venus and is her best friend.
Get off my back, Luna.
Luna, you're beating yourself up too much. You're doing your best to be there for Serena; please don't blame yourself for her getting hurt now and then. I mean, she IS a soldier.
A high school student and Serena's boyfriend. Darien's very introverted and level-headed, always trying to support his girlfriend as she goes off to save the world.
Believe in yourself, Sailor Moon! Don't make me go back to throwing roses and reciting really bad prose!
Tuxedo La Smoking Bomber!
I wish I was as powerful as Serena. She's so amazing and big-hearted, and I'm just some creepy high school guy hanging around her. I try my best to be there for her. I had a weird phase of throwing roses and just standing around reciting old lines of poetry I'd written in my middle school poetry club, but we don't talk about that part of my life.
Raye is a shrine maiden at the Hikawa Shrine. She's very elegant and reserved, but also has a fiery passion to defend her Princess. Her psychic powers allow her to banish demons, sense evil auras, and foresee future events.
Mars Planet Power!
Mars Fireballs Charge!
Mars Celestial Fire Surround!
Mars Snake Fire!
I am Raye, a shrine maiden at Hikawa. I'm psychic, so most people aren't very fond of me. I appreciate Serena trying to include me in her ring of friends, and I do respect her, but sometimes I get the urge to slap her and call her out for how childish she can be... I swear, it's like I'm two different people entirely.
Also, if you ever need the authorities, don't bother. Juban doesn't have a police force. Just dial Shrine-1-1 and the Sailor Scouts will be there to protect you... most likely after your energy has been drained and your face has melted off, but we try.
I am the Pretty Guardian who fights for Love and for Passion! I am Sailor Mars! In the name of Mars, I'll chastise you!
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