Narrating: Well, I did it. After a lot of prompting from a dear friend, and 30 years on this earth, I have finally created a dating profile. I don’t know whether to be proud of myself or just…continue to drink wine directly from the bottle.

Narrating: I check out her profile. Damn, she is cute. So I respond, talking about my trepidation with online dating and I tell her a little about myself. She responds, and we spend a few days messaging back and forth...and then I hear nothing for two whole WEEKS. I’m thinking she’s just “ghosted” me, I think that’s the term, but shortly after that I get a message from Lisa on the dating site.

(Greeting Lisa at her door) Oh you’re not gonna invite m - sure why not? So, any idea where to eat around here? I don’t know your neighborhood very well. 

(To herself, shocked) What...the fuck. This has never happened, in the history of ever, right? Is she seriously dedicating a song to me on our first...and weirdest date I’ve ever had??