Your piece is entirely inappropriate. You are not some misunderstood genius, Jay. You are not the next Albert Camus. I'm not trying to be a bully, I'm just stating facts. This showcase is for suburban moms, not weirdo hipsters in a New York cafe. It's really important to me that it goes well, okay? You're gonna' go home and you're gonna' write something that isn't depressing, that doesn't have any curses, and that fits the tone of OUR, not your, OUR org. Have I made myself God damn clear?

Also, did I pronounce Camus correctly? I mean, some people say it like Cam-Moo, but that just sounds wrong, right? 

Sam, look at me, you are my brother, which means you look like me, which means you're hot. I can prove it with Modus ponens: If I am hot, then therefore my brother is hot. And if you are my brother, and my brother is hot, then you are hot. So you are going to ask Sabrina to prom, because you are my brother. See, what incels and other bitter, entitled losers don't understand is that girls like cool, calm, confident and cool.  I said cool twice because the cool part is the most important. 

DAD! Somebody mashed the cat!

*dad comes running downstairs*

Okay, nobody mashed the cat, but now that I have your attention...