There is potential here, but I shall give some pointers! I would say the voice is on the right track but needs to be less scratchy and needs to be deeper (just a few hairs). I would also say the first part of line 1 needs to be much quieter and borderline whispery. I feel all 3 lines need to be a bit more hushed but there were a few points you did somewhat capture the tone. (If you would like the script for chapter 1 of origins, I would be more than happy to leak it to you if it would help give more context of the scene?)
I appreciate you taking the time to communicate this feedback. I've been a little under the weather, but I think my voice will be back in fighting shape in a day or two. Hopefully I can incorporate these notes and submit another take before the project deadline. :)
Feel free to go for it! I get it totally! I've sent lines in for characters with a cold! XD