I think the biggest things we're missing here is the voice sounding too young and some of the emotions of the line deliveries. Lines 1 and 2 need to be much wearier and intimate in tone. Line 3 also sounds really energetic when it's supposed to be this really bittersweet scene between a young girl and her father who's going back into war and (SPOILER) won't make it back. I think maybe the voice could work for a teen?
Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate you breaking down the specifics for me. And as for the voice, yeah lmfao that lower pitch just missed me LOL! But no really, thanks for the words! If you ever need a younger voice, I'd like to try em I guess haha