New World Adventures
AustinRearden for Erdan (Elf Wizard, and Game Master)
5,488 words
You are dressed ready to party. Loud music and sweet smelling mist fill the room, and from the ceiling, beams of light strike out in every direction and every colour, changing constantly in time with the rhythm of the music which seems to rise up from the floor. Over here, dancing with the beams of light is a crowd of young men and women. Over here is the bar, where you can purchase your drinks. Finally, over here is a fenced outdoor area, where you need not yell to be heard against the music. (He's running the game, and he's good at it.)
Go now. You are quick tempered when you are unrested, and signs of fatigue are showing already. (Very angry, but calm)
The second take of the second line, perfect. I loved it. The first line, could you submit again, but with more calm? Erdan is a master of suspense, and adding a tone of "I'll let you in on a secret, but shhh!" would work well here. If you could show me that, I really think you're in with a good chance here.
Sure, I can do another take of the first line for you.
Sure, make sure you let me know when you do. Sometimes people update their takes and the thing never notifies me.
I will.