Getting there, though it can get a bit unnatural in places, as if you're reading a script. Keep at it though. When you read a script, keep reading it over and over until it feels like you wrote it. Then, when it comes time to deliver the line it should be like "when I wrote it, this is how I wanted it to sound". Most importantly, when reading, don't think about how your character should sound. Think about how your character should feel, what they're trying to say, who they're trying to say it to, and what they're trying to achieve by saying it. You're not there yet, but I can tell you'll get there soon. Listen to Jetset's audition then listen to your own again. Notice any differences?

Credit where credit is due, however, you delivered "you were right, I should have drawn my sword" perfectly. Whatever you were thinking and feeling when you delivered that line, you should try to replicate in future.