Hiss throughout, pauses between statements are too long. You neglected to edit out your breaths and a swallow before "but just as he had got half way through the hollow". This is nowhere near worth the $30 you are asking for.
To be fair, it seems you might be placing too high of an expectation on a project like this. Prior to auditioning, I had read your responses to others, and they seem to be reflective of someone with a modicum of position and an endless supply of pretention. I've never used this site before, so I will admit that I don't really know what's the acceptable price breakdown/ bidding suggestion. I do know that if you're offering five dollars, then you should lower your expectations to five dollars worth of work. If you want professionalism, then you need to balance your expectations with your offering. While I don't know much about this, I have, however, been touring with a children's storybook theatre for the last 3 years and I can safely say that if you want to tell a story like this (even keeping in its original format) you need to put the time in to cut it down to fit the attention span of the average viewer or listener. Right now, this is an audiobook nothing more.
Yet you auditioned anyway. If it seems my standards are unreasonable, you are going to have to get used to it, if you intend to pursue this as a profession. They are the same exact ones I have encountered over and over in my experience (try applying for VoiceBunny). Anyway, I try to offer constructive criticism, which takes time and careful consideration, rather than not respond at all. I kind of think of this site as a proving ground, for the inexperienced to gain experience and exposure. The $5 I am offering is just for the best auditions, of which there are several, and I did state that it was not necessary to read the full script. This particular piece is already finished. Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sT6TpXGdfnQ and Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPD8cT-cwxQ. As I stated in the About section, "A narrator reads them aloud, like an audiobook." I recognize that children have short attention spans and I am lobbying at the station for shorter shows (right now, we are required to produce a 58 minute show, once a week, which is practically impossible, but I digress). Anyway, I am sorry if that last statement offended your sensibilities.
I was really going for an impersonal tone. I want to treat anyone who bothers to audition like they are professionals, so they know what to expect. Feedback is not normally free. Coaches are expensive. If you are accepted by VoiceBunny, one of the nice things is that they pay for auditions that are internally accepted. It is not much, but it is better than nothing. Fyi, the first paragraph is 206 words and had I been hired to read it, my rate would be $.10 per word, which would amount to $20.60. $30 is a lot to ask for someone w/0 voice over experience.
I wasn't offended, but I was trying to offer you the same "constructive criticism" you gave me, I don't do much with VA (just started a couple weeks ago), but I've done theatre/performance all my life (professionally as an adult) and have cast/ directed many shows (and been rejected plenty). The best thing to do with auditions is to only comment when necessary, otherwise it comes off as pretentious and arrogant (as I mentioned before). But, best of luck.
Meh. Nor am I offended. Your point was well-taken. It did make me reconsider my approach in light of your opinion. Personally, I prefer to know what needs practice from someone impersonal because I can be biased (and often am) when it comes to my own work. I would also argue that all artists are at least a little arrogant. Not really sure why, tho. Maybe because we have to believe in ourselves when it seems like no one else does ? There is a ton of rejection in this business. Anyway, good luck to you as well.:)