[You are addressing the school] "I am pleased to welcome all of you back for another year at Hogwarts. Now, I'm aware that our school has been getting a bad rep lately... and while it is true that we failed every single health and safety inspection last year, it is important to remember that only two students were killed on school grounds, which is five less than the year before!"

[You're talking to Harry] "I'm always going to be here to give you my wisdom, Harlan. I'll even let you in on a little secret. I don't use the elder wand at all... in fact, I keep this Glock handy in case a dark wizard tries to spar with me. You'd be surprised how much easier it is to just shoot those guys in the face." 

[You are panicking because you blew off an important meeting to get high] "Minerva, you have to help me. If the minister suspects that I'm high again, it's going to be terrible for publicity. He'll try to get me sacked again for sure!"