Pardon my harsh criticism, but the lack of energy and the seemingly monotone throughout the read made the story sound colourless. There was an attempt to raise the bar nearing the end, but it still returned back to the same tone as most of the script. Perhaps you may not 'feel' the script, so I suggest giving a listen to how storytellers perform to little children. They fluctuate their tone and energy to reflect what was in the words, which made colourful and animated to the audience. Try to imitate it and see if it helps. ;-)

I like the gentle style you are bringing here! Many scripts made for kids want a read like this, and I think your voice definitely fits that genre. Now, I do think the read almost sounds too "sad" or "depressing" when instead you should be bringing a lot of energy and passion. Especially in narration scripts for children: kids LOVE hearing someone excited about telling a story. Use your entire body to bring more passion and energy, really exciting your audience to listen to the whole story! Overall though, I liked your pace and your articulation; keep practicing everything together to continue improving. Good job!