Awful Hospital Dub
Project Overview
"Back in the hall, you take a moment to reflect on what you've been through so far. You woke up mere moments ago in a strange place, full of strange things. Some of them want to hurt you, but they don't even sound like they're aware of it. Other things, apparently, are on your side. It feels too real to be a delusion, but it doesn't feel like the "right kind" of real. You can worry about what planet you're on later, though; some of the things here may or may not have taken your child from you and are going to do who the hell knows what in the name of some crackpot mockery of medicine."
Full title Awful Hospital: Seriously the Worst Ever, Awful Hospital is an interactive, comment-driven webcomic by JonathanWojcik, also known as "Scythemantis"The comic stars a mother with a sick baby, whose condition had gotten progressively worse no matter what she tried. After her latest desperate attempt at saving her baby, she wakes up in a strange, twisted hospital of nightmarishly cartoonish design, run by the dangerously inept, grotesquely hammy, and insufferably egotistical Dr. H.M. Phage, a giant talking virus. She must face insane monster doctors, impossible alien physics, and talking body parts who spout terrible puns in her desperate search for her baby's whereabouts.The comic is ongoing and updated daily, typically with one to three pages of content each day. Similar to MS Paint Adventures and other Interactive Comics, the comic takes on a vertical panel format with descriptive text and dialogue appearing below, and viewers can use the comment section below to make suggestions not just for what the main character does, but what she can say to other characters as well - this manifests in-universe as voices she's been hearing since she woke up.Can be read from the start here.Updates can be followed via Dr. Phage's twitter feed here.Has spawned several fancomics, Strange School, Sordid Zoo, and Bad Lab, and a text-based "fan adventure", The Watchtower.
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Real name is Cobb Angus, he is a crooked spinal column with a pelvis at the base and wearing a fedora on top. He appears to float a few inches above any surface he's standing on. The fact that he's crooked may or may not be the true reason he's at the Hospital. Crooked Spine carries a briefcase with him that contains items for sale. "Everything in his briefcase is basically just dug out of garbage". Although he lacks grasping appendages, he is still able to open the briefcase and handle the items without touching them.
He attempts to sell his wares to potential customers, which he is willing to trade for blood or other types of currency, such as used bandages. Most items for sale seem to be just junk he collected. He talks like a businessman and can go for a long period of time talking about his deals and offers.
Later we find out that Crooked Spine and Oozing Skull have formed a partnership, giving him a fedora. They also build a shop in the spine's patient room.
Ohhhh the pain! Oh, agony! Can there be NO RELIEF from this UNBELIEVABLE agony! (The hovering spinal column speaks like someone boredly reading off a series of cue cards. )
OH, the pain! THE PAIN OF IT ALL!
...The pain of sitting on all THESE INCREDIBLE LIMITED-TIME OFFERS!
LORD ALMIGHTY, WILL NOBODY RELIEVE ME FROM THE BACK-BREAKING DUTY OF HOLDING ONTO ALL THESE ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME BARGAINS!? IS THERE NO RESPITE, NO BACKING OUT FROM THE TORMENT OF CARRYING SUCH A BROAD SELECTION OF BRAND-NAME QUALITY PRODUCTS AT BLOWOUT PRICES!? BUY NOW, AND YOU'LL RECEIVE NOT ONE, NOT TEN, BUT TWO COMPLIMENTARY GIFTS AT ALMOST NO EXTRA CHARGE TO YOU, THE VALUED CUSTOMER. THESE TORTUROUSLY AGONIZING DEALS HAVE TO BE SE
....uy now, you'll receive one HAMMERSPACE brand disappearing/reappearing collector's tote with compartments for approximately TEN that's TEN distinct concepts of any weight and volume DO NOT ATTEMPT MULTIPLE CONCEPTS PER COMPARTMENT HAMMERSPACE INC. AND ITS SUBSIDIARIES CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR SPATIAL PROLAPSE, VECTOR LEAKAGE OR CONE INTRUSION WITHIN KNOWN PERCEPTION LAYERS
Eyeda is a pair of big eyes with a goopy translucent pink body. The vestigial body with a mouth opening is supported by the eyes. She is considered to have an annoying voice and a tasteless sense of humor, making frequent eye puns.
She got to the Hospital after being infested with clown lice. However, these "parasites" are harmless and even sapient, the only symptoms being itchiness and a 20% higher voice. Sadly, they were wiped out by normal lice that were given by Fern.
-Boston Accent
Itchy! They're so itchy!! EYE can hardly take it, EYE tell ya!
Ey, yer a doctah right? Can't ya gimme a look-see before ya run off again? EYE'm dyin here!
Ooh, that's the stuff! EYE can't thank ya enough, EYE feel better already!
"You ignore the spinal column's sales pitch and the other whining meat scraps, pressing on in your urgent quest to reunite with your kid and find a way out of this cheap, laughable horror show. You'll find him on your own, or you'll beat what you need to know out of that pink doorknob guy or whatever the hell that was supposed to be. On your way down the hall, you notice a huge, leaking pile of trash bags on the floor. What a dump. What an absolute joke. You know what you should do? You should sue. Do talking bugs and guts know what that is? They vaguely know what "hospitals" are supposed to be, maybe they know what a big fat lawsuit looks like."
Our imperiled protagonist. She wakes up one day in the titular awful hospital after trying desperately to find a cure for the disease afflicting her son. Now she must find her son and escape. Although she has no obvious skills, the love for her child and quick acclamation to the hospital's weirdness keeps her going strong.In the Hospital, her room is Exam Room V.
"I'll reorganzie your face if you don't tell me where my son is!"
"I'm uh.....I'm just another patient. I think.
...Do you even have kidneys?"
"I'll keep that mind. Is that your medicine on the counter? Is that what you need?"
Exactly what his names says, he's a broken skull with it's brain and eyes coming out. Each eye has a different iris color. His general shape resembles that of a snail's, with the skull as a shell, the brain as the body and having the eyes on stalks. Movement is very slow and blood constantly oozes, leaving a blood trail wherever he goes. He got to the Hospital after he crashed into the reception desk. His appearance before the accident is never shown, but is presumed that he was faster before.
Oozing Skull loves moving fast, which caused him his injury. His file also notes that he neglects traffic safety. Now he is slow as a snail, but in his perception he sees himself moving faster than he actually is. If he enjoys his slow pace, one can just imagine the excitement he got when Ms Green ran holding him in her hands. This also made him unresponsive for a few moments. His file warns to not under any circumstance allow him any motorized locomotion, in order to avoid repeating incident 00/V/3948.
Hee hee! HEEHEEHEE! VROOM VROOM! HEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHUEUHEUHHEUH!!!
NYERRRRRRRR NYERRRRRR HEHHHEHHEHEHEHEYEHYEHYEH
A huge kidney stone covered in sharp spikes with a single exposed eye as a weak spot. She is very protective of her young and would kill anyone threatening them. She also has a very short temper, using violent threats towards Fern and her son. As Fern unknowingly caused the death of her young, the two get into a fight after Kidney Stone Mother kills Nobody Nose. She is eventually defeated after Fern stabs her in the eye with a stick covered in Ded-stone Fogger liquid.
Kidney Stone Mother's abilities include: impaling spikes, floating, spike manifestation. Her internal cavity glows purple when manifesting spikes.
-It's more or less a reference to the Zerg Hivemind from Starcraft.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ4AEaPAnqE
HOW TOUCHING. I KNOW PRECISELY WHERE YOUR MEATLET IS, FLESHBEAST.
YOU WON'T BE SEEING IT AGAIN.
...BECAUSE I AM GOING TO PLUCK OUT YOUR SIGHT-BALLS AND TWIST OFF YOUR BRANCHES BEFORE MY LITTLE ONES DRAG IT HERE AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO ITS PATHETIC LITTLE SQUEALS AS A BILLION BROODS RIP IT INSIDE OUT A BILLION TIMES BEFORE I LET IT DIE.
YOU'RE NOT IN A WARD ANYMORE, UGLY GUTBAG. IF I SHRED YOU APART HERE THEY'LL NEVER PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER.
WHERE ARE YOU?! I CAN SMELL YOUR RANCID FLESH-GREASE.
WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU YOU'LL KNOW WHAT THE INSIDE OF YOUR GALLBLADDER TASTES LIKE.
Dr. H. M. Phage, T. E. is the head practitioner in the the Hospital and looks like a giant bacteriophage virus. His actual abilities as a medical practitioner when compared to his peers are unclear, but he seems to be highly knowledgeable about the different zones. Given current evidence, he might best be described as "Jack of all trades, master of none." However, not only would he strongly object to this, but it is also important to note that given the sheer number and variety of zones and patients the hospital deals with, being a jack of all trades is rather impressive regardless of how many of said feats are actually mastered or simply passing knowledge.
What I'm looking with a voice brimming with not quite right bed-side manner. If you are going to use filters, have one with and without it.
"Forgive my rudeness. I'm Doctor H.M. Phage, T.E, chief physician, radiologist, surgeon, pathologist, pathogen, immunologist, urologist, gynaecologist, reverse gynaecologist, taxidermist, dentist, forensic entomologist, necrobiological reconstructionist, herbalist, fashionist and twin-core husk intersector licensed in all chromatic, material and hypothetical perception zones. I can assure you, sir, your dog is in excellent hands!" (Introductions)
"Oh, dear. You'd better calm down there, gramps, we don't want you blowing your booklungs all over your freshly mucused gown, do we? Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back with our head transfusionator. We'll have those hearts pumping healthy yellow bile again in no time!"
"Aw, STINKBEANS! It evaporated already!
...What? Of COURSE they do. They always do!
...Oh, fine, you can look, but don't expect to find much more than smelly residue and a half-eaten wallet, like the last one.
...You mean the cat? It was a cat, wasn't it?
Oh. Well, whatever, it's probably stable for now. Just power up the unexistalizer when you get the chance, in case the damn thing starts leaking onto anything important." (Half heard one side-conversation with an unknow enity and the Doctor)
Depressed Spleen is, of course, a spleen. The rest of his body consists of a stalk made of veins and arteries. He is one of the more reproachable characters, due to his disdain of others and depressing attitude, best described as "a jaded, bitter, pessimistic, misanthropic, melodramatic, possibly masochistic glutton for misery and gloom." He also constantly complains, being an annoyance to others. He considers those that subject to his ramblings as self punishing and masochistic. He came to the Hospital to seek attention, not necessarily for treatment. Even if he doesn't have a real problem, he refuses to leave. Dr Phage recommended ignoring him until he leaves, an act he taken as far as blocking Spleen from his perception.
Despite his personality defects, Nurse Molly finds him interesting, staying by his bedside to listen to him talk about his life after treating him for malaria. It's not clear how Spleen is really feeling towards her, but considers her as "another kind of wretched" as opposed to others he interacted with.
Oh good, that only took an eternity this time. Still not good enough for a real nurse, I guess. Not that I blame them. Are you taking notes? I think they ought to know that I'm feeling very depre -
Oh, it's you again. I take it you're here so you can leave again in disgust. That seems to be the only reason anybody bothers to visit. I think they make a game of it. I don't know if they're keeping score, but I've been doing it for them, at least.
...Wait, you're still here? That's a new record. I think I got a whole paragraph out this time. I take it from your bizarre habit of continuing to listen to me that you are a masochist. I do hope you're enjoying this encounter, at least that'll make one of us.
You don't know a spleen when you see one? Of course not. Nobody does. Not like they recognize a brain or a heart or one of those other smarmy "vitals." Did you even know what your spleen does? For that matter, did you even know where it was? Unlikely. Even if you did, it isn't information you would ever actually need in your short, ultimately trivial biostate. The most anyone ever thinks about spleens is how remarkably unremarkable they are among the major organs.
Circula Tori is the head surgeon at the Hospital. She works on creatures from the sub-grey to paraconceptual regions. Her appearance is that of a system of the circulatory system with a peanut for a brain. Phage considers her to be one of the most competent of the staff, with a success rate of 23% . She is also, according to Dr Man, the hospital's only tube-zoner.
Okay, this should...whoops!
Okay, I think this goes...oh...nope. It doesn't. This thing sure has a lot of parts.
Did I just drop something?
Too late now. Maybe we'll find it next time.
...You can do this, Tori.....it's just like making a sandcastle....
Just a narrator, I don't believe I'm cut out for the part to be honest. I wouldn't mind hearing different takes on it. Still it's very word heavy role as expected.
You have awoken in what resembles a hospital examination room. It smells like a mixture of birthday cake and sewage. Beyond the curtain, a strange, metallic tapping sound is growing steadily louder. You can't remember how you got here, but you remember your son. You don't know where he is.
It's as if more than a hundred different voices are chattering away in your brain as you gaze around the room, but one intrusive thought pattern drowns out all reason: that painting. That terrible painting of a clown. It is as if some artist only hastily scribbled it as some sort of placeholder or in-joke and was ultimately too tired to do anything more interesting in its place. It is awful and you need it. Why do you need it? You want to hold it. Why can't you get it out of your head? Talk to the clown painting - what?!- lick clown painting - why would - clown painting - there are more important thi- clown painting clown painting - YOUR HEAD IT'S IN YOUR HEAD IT'S GOING TO EAT THE BACK OF YOUR EYEBA come on turn that clown upside down IT'S SCREAMING
What were you doing? Something about a clown painting? What clown painting? This is an enlarged, framed photograph of a...bedbug? No...that is definitely a crab. Not the edible kind. Well, probably technically edible, just not the kind anybody would look at and immediately want to steam with a can of beer (this is the right way to prepare crab, never boil them, it gets all rubbery and fishy and just awful. AWFUL.)
Creator described them as: "Anyway, Bloodstain’s name, species, occupation, formal title, pronouns, sex and gender are all “bloodstain,” but that’s not to say this is usually the case for all bloodstains. Bloodstain’s parents might not really approve of their bloodstain turning out bloodstain, or that bloodstain bloodstains when they hoped bloodstain would bloodstain like bloodstain’s old bloodstain."
Made entirely of blood, Bloodstain is a patient at the Hospital. Bloodstain got here because of bloodstains bummed leg, a minor injury sustained when a Voam Snaker mistakenly detonated bloodstains bloatus on a croon wave. When first encountered by Fern bloodstain seemed malnourished, given the dry color. Feeding can take place by absorbing food material by contact. This is seen when bloodstain "eats" a get well cupcake. When fed, the red color is stronger. Bloodstain can also write using bloodstains own blood. No matter from what angle you are looking, Bloodstain will always look like a flat stain on the surface behind bloodstain.
Bloodstain helped Fern hide from Phage and Phleboto by giving wrong directions and Fern gave bloodstain the get well cupcake in return. This makes bloodstain an ally and we can see bloodstains concern towards Fern's safety in the note left behind in her room. Bloodstain also left another cupcake beside. Bloodstain is currently dating X-Ray Fern.
-Aged Huckleberry Fin-sque voice
"Land sakes, son! Ya lit'rally JUST missed her! Lil lady moves like an oiled-up slorvem on rupturin's eve! Ya better hurry, purdy thing could be chewin' on the tubes already!"
Nobody Nose looks like a human nose that produces way too much mucus. He seems incapable of comprehending the concept of outside the Hospital. He is in the Hospital because he claims to suffer from kidney stones. While it doesn't make sense for a nose to have such an ailment, the stones are actually the offsprings of Kidney Stone Mother and they are just simply bothering the nose. To treat his problem, it was recommended to wait until the stones grew bored of their juvenile behavior and leave on their own. Unfortunately though, while trying to help the nose Ms Green gave him a Ded-stone Fogger which killed the kidney stones. This caused their mother to take revenge by killing Nobody Nose and fighting Ms Green.
-Very Nasally stuffed up nose
Oh, hewwo dewe. Awe you hewe about my *snnnffffff*...about my...*blurp*...my...
*Snort*...hang on...
Awe you hewe about....
My...
...Kidney stones? Dewe getting vewy unpweasant.Oh! They'we wondewfuw! If you go back in you'we woom I'm suwe the nuwse wiww get awound to you some day. Maybe she can even fix how gwoss you'we face wooks.
That's gas piwws. They got weft hewe by accident. You can have them if you can find me something fow aww these awfuw kidney stones! They'we evewywhewe! Evewy time I tuwn awound, dewe's anothew one waffing at me!!!
I CAN'T GET ANY GAWWDDAM SWEEP WITH THAT WACKET!!!!
Never given an official name, Sickly Stomach is a stomach projecting a puke body. Both ends of the stomach are connected to the barf and both share the same consciousness. Dr Phage refers to the stomach as the original body, so he wasn't always looking like this. Feeding can also take place by pouring food in his puke body. His stench is overwhelming.
The reason why he has a puke body is because of his gas pill addiction that keeps him vomiting. This addiction also reduced his cognitive faculties. He's a patient in the Hospital undergoing a slow and steady recovery medication. If he ingests gas pills, he will swell and explode with puke (not fatally). This will result in him having a larger puke body while the stomach can be hidden inside the mass.
Tasties! MORE TASTIES!!!
TASTY!!! GIVE TASTY!!!!
TASTY!!! SSSSSOOOO TAAASTYYYY!!!!
