"[Matter-of-factly] It’s a secret concert. The whole thing’s super mysterious and dark. And I know about it ‘cause I’m going out with the lead singer, Ranger. No idea what his real name is. Huge d*ck, though. Nice."

"[Seductively] God, you’re so cute when you’re passionately advocating justice."

"[Happily teasing] I always knew you two would get together. You know about 89% of childhood best friends of opposite genders end up f*cking? That’s a statistic I just made up, but it might be true."