(Deep Adult) If I adopted a pet kitten, then made two cups of coffee then took a crap in one of the cups, and made the kitten drink one...would you call me pops?

(Teenage) Wait, so your best friend slept with the girl he knew you liked. I'd beat him up on the roof if I were you.

(Adult) Ah ha! I get the treasure! Chalk another one up for the completely dim-witted and rude character. I'm sure my life is going to be a long one!