Not a bad start here, I would like to see a bit more focus on who your audience is, as when I was listening to this, it felt like I was dealing with a range of ages, try to keep it very absolute. I notice in your description that you are saying “around 11” when we should try our best to keep things very absolute. 

I really like your choice to the surprise about the weird rare race, the smile definitely kicked in there, I just feel that we could definitely start with a smaller smile to capture the essence of the script and your listener's attention. 

I feel overall that this could have had some more range played with here, and overall a bit more physicality. Because even when you are telling stories to others, and you want to envision the characters are seated but you're still moving your body when you tell that story, so let's hear more of that as we go on. 

I love your choices when it comes to increasing your energy, but I just wish it was more ramped up as opposed to jumping between the different levels, let it slowly build up as opposed to just hitting the listener with it to a degree. Let the story build. 

A little thing that I'd like to point out, is that you sounded fairly proud of the fact that despite Robin having rotted legs, she was able to walk off the podium.