Funny Valentine is the 23rd president of the United States and the true mastermind behind the Steel Ball Run race. He watches the competition from behind the curtains and hopes to gather the Saint's Corpse as a means to further the United States' ambitions. Valentine is a Stand user, wielding the powerful Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap and its ability to travel across parallel worlds. He later unlocks the even more powerful ability D4C Love Train.

Throughout the narrative, Valentine adopts two main appearances, differing greatly in build. He is originally introduced as an old, stout, overweight man. Around the time he takes the rib cage of the Saint's Corpse, he gains a more fit and muscular appearance.

Valentine bears deep scars spanning his back, in a pattern resembling that of the 21st-century flag of the United States.

Valentine's foremost characteristic is his deep patriotism. Marked by the gruesome fate of his father, Valentine's goal is for the United States to stand over the rest of the world. To do so, he seeks the blessing of the Saint Corpse Parts, becoming ecstatic when the Corpse blesses him. Moreover, the President shows a great degree of determination toward this goal.