I think you could turn you gain up or come closer to the mic because you sounded low and far away. Otherwise I enjoyed your read.

Slow on down sir, we wanted to focus in and practice articulation here. The read is very casual, and the specific sounds the script is addressing, your P's, T's, and D's sound VERY similar all throughout. The reason to practice this articulation is so our reads can be as clear as possible, more than what is usually done for casual conversation. Think more business meeting in front of the board of directors and less chatting over lunch. In voice over there is no opportunity for the audience to ask you to repeat yourself, the recording must be crisp and articulate upon delivery.

Pay special attention to T's within a word. TroTTed and JoTTed both sounded like D's not T's. In general your inner word consonants were often mumbled and on a whole less clear than your word starts and ends.

Try to really excessively over-articulate. Hit Ev-Er-Y Con-Son-Nant hard and separately. Drill into memory how it feels to articulate that hard and train your mouth muscles to be under that fine of control.

Keep up the good work Topher!