Excellent backstory/scene you have envisioned. To take it even further, how was this high ranking officer fatally injured? Internal bleeding? Collapsed lungs? Shot through? Stabbed? Etc.? And where were these injuries in or on her body? This would affect how the character would sound. If her lungs are filling with blood or something, maybe she’d be coughing in addition to the pain. Gasping for air. Maybe some words would be spoken more quickly as she tries to exhale and get them all out. Maybe all of her energy is sapped and she is fading away as she continues her words so that there is a last dying breath on the last few words. You can have a finishing moment after the words to really help encapsulate the scene like that. Think of your audience too - how would they react as she is telling these troops this very important  information. Is she motivating them to keep fighting? Are they just feeling pity for her and wondering what they’ll do next? How does your character feel telling her troops this, knowing it may be her last words? Adding that emotional layer and reacting to your audience’s reactions as you are speaking can really impact the way the words are read. Maybe some of the words come out in just a whisper.

Good for you in including something the character is going through that is affecting the read! Stomach groans/pain, changes in pacing and volume. You’re on the right track.  Don’t be afraid to go ever more over the top. Sometimes what we think is too much really isn’t as much as we think it is when you listen back to the recording. So really go for it. Put your all into the performance.  You can always scale it back if it’s too much. :) The moments and humanisms really add to the scene and are part of what set us apart from AI right now.

Be sure to go back and quality check what you’ve recorded and check for any missed or changed words. This is important for auditions and gigs that you accurately read the script provided. Making the scene real in your mind’s eye, and letting yourself genuinely respond to the situation will help lift the words off the page and take it beyond just a “read”. VA 201 goes into more of the emotional rollercoaster in voice acting, which is excellent, and VA 301 goes into more about different established acting techniques. Great classes to help you continue to advance in your voice acting career. 

Keep up the great work!