Excellent backstory/scene you have envisioned. 

Good read. I appreciated the emotion and opinion you put into the read and the feeling. Good moments where you paused and took a breath. Nice changes in volume, pace and emotion.

You’re on the right track, however it still feels like a read rather than someone speaking the words genuinely or convincingly. This is a challenging skill to acquire, but the more you practice the easier it will become. For the scenario of a personal log, it would be filled with more humanisms and thinking while speaking. You probably wouldn’t be reading a script while making a video log to yourself. It would just be you speaking what comes to mind. Make it real in your mind’s eye, and let yourself genuinely respond to the situation. This will help lift the words off the page. 

Your audio is a little quiet. Make sure your audio peaks for normal talking are falling between -12 and -6 dB.

Be sure to go back and quality check what you’ve recorded and check for any missed or changed words. This is important for auditions and gigs that you accurately read the script provided. 

Keep up the good work!