Good work with envisioning the context of the scene. 

Good read. I could tell you had a solemn feeling toward the script and there was some opinion and emotion in the read.

You’re on the right track, however it still feels like a read rather than someone speaking the words genuinely or convincingly. This is a challenging skill to acquire, but the more you practice the easier it will become. Picture the scene you’ve created and how the person or persons you are talking to are reacting. Make it real in your mind’s eye, and let yourself genuinely respond to the situation. This will help lift the words off the page. Make use of change-ups in emotion, inflection, pacing, volume, pitch, etc. 

What do the 10 year olds look like? How many of them are in the group? How do they react as you tell them this information? Are they shocked? Bored? Concerned? The audience reaction affects how we deliver the read.

Be sure to go back and start again at the beginning of the line/sentence if you stumble to make editing easier later.

Continue working on enunciation and articulation to fully and clearly pronounce the words and the letters within them and at the end.

Be careful about hitting the microphone as it can be difficult to edit out and will likely require a pick-up in actual gigs. The microphone should be mounted in its own stand or on a boom arm, ideally with a shock-mount if possible. This will help limit the movement of the microphone during recording.

Be aware of plosives entering the microphone too. It’s good to have the microphone diaphragm input pointed at your mouth, but offset like 30 degrees or so to allow you to speak past the microphone and not directly into it, which will help limit plosives. A pop filter can also help to a degree if you don’t already have one.

Keep practicing reading out loud - the better you become at cold reading (reading a script the first time) the easier it will become. Go back and quality check your recordings for any errors and practice editing out the flubs so that you have a clean finished copy. This is what you will need to do for any gigs you land and what you should be doing going forward for any auditions you submit. You want it as clean as possible.

Keep up the good work!