You aren't really projecting out your voice which causes the energy and excitement to lack and sound more one note with the tone. For it to fit the scene, especially if you're commentating over a live game, you really wanna push that voice out! For high energy and excitement, projection is super important to hit on those. Without it, we don't feel that energy and excitement. Use your diaphragm and take in deep breaths to build up that air support to use. If you're in an environment or time where you can't be loud, then try to find a moment where you are able to (Or just apologize to whoever and say you gotta be loud), because it's going to sound unrealistic to the scene and unnatural. Think of the commentators at games or WWE for example. Their voices are loud and super invested in every single movement that's going on with the players and wrestlers. It sounds more like you're just reading rather than visualizing yourself as the character in the scenario. When you're trying to commentate what the players are doing, visualize exactly what they are doing and speak about it to the audience. Practice the script beforehand a few times so that you have more preparation. Preparation helps not only with listening mistakes and hesitation, but it also helps with confidence. It's great you looked up the names beforehand! There wasn't much variance going on in your tone and it stayed pretty even so you really dive into how you want your audience to feel. If you were the audience, what would you want to hear? What would catch your attention? How would you react? I also want to know who your audience is exactly. Be as specific as you can as it will help your performance. You can even research commentary for games if you are unfamiliar and it can help give you a foundation to work off of. Overall, I want to hear a lot more energy and excitement for this and don't be afraid to take risks and play!

Yes, you've got to pretend you're trying to be heard by someone standing 150 ft away from you during a hurricane to really be convincing as a sports announcer. Doesn't make much sense since announcers have mics, but that's what people expect. I think you should go for more authentic, grounded roles that are meant to sound like a real person though based on what I heard here. I'm guessing you're a somewhat soft spoken person irl, so use it to your advantage.