I can tell you're over articulating which is great for practice! If this was an audition however, I want you to bring everything together more and have a better flow. You don't want it to feel like you're just reading words on a page. Because you're focusing on articulating and speaking clearly, you're losing the realism of natural speaking and it starts to sound a bit choppy and unnatural. The pacing is a bit too slow because of the many pauses you got going on. A slower pace is great for a more toned down read, but we still want everything to have a nice flow to it. Your tone also has a sort of serious intensity that gives off a different vibe than one of someone speaking about someone they cherish and are being nostalgic about. Use physicality and add a smile as you speak to brighten up and frown when you want to have a sadder tone. Read and analyze the words and what you feel the character would be feeling when speaking them. Your tone is pretty much the same throughout so you want to add contrast to moments like being a sickly child versus Nilimore bringing all sorts of sweets to you. You added in a sigh around 1:10 which is a great piece of pre life and adds realism to the performance, but don't force it. We never want to force anything, but live it. Also think about how you would speak to your sister. Are you both close and kept in contact? Have you drifted apart and there's strain? Get really specific with details because even the smallest thing can change the way you speak to someone. You also pronounced the harder words that many struggle with well so nice job there!