I've been meaning to go see that tree for a while now, but I'm not sure if these stumpy old legs will make it that far... ...That wasn't meant to be a pun. You know, "stumpy," "tree stump." Catch my drift? think would fit*

Please slap me... Slap me for being an insensitive fool... With all my excigement, I forgot to consider how my wife might feel. .. I'm such a... I'm such a...

You're a samurai! A modern day samurai... ...What's the female version of a samurai? A kunoichi?