I can hear you skipping some words from the script, like "the" in different parts, so make sure you are staying accurate to the script. Something that you can benefit from with this is practicing and reading the script a few times before recording just so you get a bit more familiar with the words. This will help decrease any flubs and give you more room to focus on performing rather than reading the words. Also reading ahead takes time to do so the more you audition and practice, the easier it'll get.

I like the tone and character voice you got going on! It sounds exciting and fun! The zombie character I'd love for you to go even bigger and more sillier with it! Make it stand out!

Work on articulating more here, especially those B's, K's and G's. The more you over articulate and do tongue twisters, then eventually you won't have to think about doing it and it'll just happen naturally. Nice work!