I can tell you're trying to give it that energy and fun vibe that's needed, but it's starting to sound a bit forced. The laugh and the zombie noise was very small and the overall read sounded like you weren't connecting to the script or audience and couldn't really figure out what to do. Try to connect yourself to something that excites you in your real life and then keep that visual in your head as you perform this script. I'm not sure how many times you went through this, but the more you do record and get into your head, you do lose that momentum and energy and then it gets to more like "Welp I gotta send this in so whatever" type of thing (I've been there, we all have) So I want you to get physical and shake out any nerves, stress, anything to get yourself more energized and excited, cause you want to get your audience engaged and if you aren't excited, then they won't be either.

There were some little hiccups and the articulation could use more work, but I think overall you may have siked yourself out or maybe were tired. But overall, try to make it super fun and find that connection that you can draw from. You got this!