You have a sort of pattern going on, especially in the beginning where you end each sentence or phrase in an upwards inflection and also drag it out a little. You want to try and break that up a little. It also makes it out a bit like you're unsure of what you're speaking about so changing the inflections a little and adding in some variations can help make that flow better.

It sounds more like you're just reading the words and trying to speed through them versus make this like a natural conversation. Think about who you're speaking to and be authentic.

We're lacking the projection here. I can hear a tiny bit but you want to project as if you're in a gym with no microphone and you need someone at the other end to hear you.

There was some slight hesitation here and there, so feel free to read the script a few times beforehand and familiarize yourself with it so when you record, you have a bit more confidence and understanding in what you're saying. Good job!