You're on the right track, but let's work on a few aspects. First, slow down your pace; it's not a race. Your tone is pleasant, and it suits the commercial vibe, but we need to inject more passion and enthusiasm. Remember, you're speaking to a gym full of people, so imagine yourself selling this product with all your heart. We want to feel your genuine excitement and care for the product. Instead of simply reading the script, make us believe in the product. It's essential to project your voice from your gut, ensuring that everyone in the metaphorical gym can hear you clearly. Keep up with your daily vocal exercises, especially vocal doggy pants, to improve your breath control and support. This will help you deliver longer sentences without running out of breath and enable you to project effectively. Great effort, and I look forward to your progress!