Thanks Aidan - glad you're not afraid to let go and give emotions - so important. I think you start off yelling and while it was super strong and organic at first, then if you just keep yelling and yelling and yelling - people just start to tune you out as it gets monotonous. You're still yelling when they are about to leave, so you don't have many dynamics. it's all big and yelling - have more intimate moments, more reflective moments, sartcastic moments, laugh, take a breath, react to them reacting to what you are saying - give them space and time to react. these things will all help you lift it off the page a bit better. Louder, softer, slower, faster and changes of emotions etc. You'll understand more once we work on more things together.