I like your improv at the beginning, it added a lot! Leading into your script in that natural way and letting us enter your story was a fantastic idea. Taking the approach of a wounded soldier or warrior is a great take that stands out from the rest. Great stuff. Your articulation was solid! I do think you could perhaps add a bit of a subtle change to your voice throughout, maybe sometimes softening a bit, or it suddenly becoming hard breath would help you stand out even more than just coaching in pain, but you actually do this really well! Keep working on the things you are already good at, while also finding new ways to bring your voice to life. As an actor, we're always making choices and you've made some wonderful choices.