So I like your tone... It's bombastic and sassy... but it actually fits. The bad news... you have two big errors. You read "get (started) career fair" when it's "connected". Second was on the phone number. You read 5282 instead of 5252. Out side of that it's mostly nit picking. It sounds like you could use a lemon water as there is a fair bit of clicking. Also, did you edit this? If so those are impeccable splices and if not I'm envious of your lung capacity. All in all a good job!

Good notes my friend. Yes, this one is a bit commercially read - not easy to do it any other way and it's a very fine line. It still has to have the energy but it has to sound like a real conversation - and we just don't speak this way - but this character does. You have such a beautifully bold tone - so you could afford to internalize this a slight bit. NOT TOO MUCH - but this is one of those scripts that could use contained excitement. I think this would help a great deal. You are growing my friend and you can hear it. That's what matters most. I wasn't having a problem with your breathing - more importantly on this one it would be working on taking down a bit of the projection and making it more personable to who you were talking to. Liked the little chuckle in the call to action. It will only get better and better my friend