I love the energy you start with, but it falls off pretty quickly when talking the educators/potential employers, and you seem to speed through it a little. Overall, I think the strongest part of your performance was the ending with the phone number. I think I probably added too much energy, where your take came across as much easier to listen to, while still having subtle inflections.

First of all... you're too damned good. Moving from that point here are my nit picks... the intro is abrupt and the energy spike on "get" is jarring. Then it's smooth sailing until the dance party. I think the reason that free lunch doesn't fit it because you ended on a low tone after dance party. I think if you would have inflected up it would have given you more room. Lastly I think your first reading of the phone number lost a lot of your energy and was a good bit quieter... I'd want more volume at the very least as it's kind of your call to action. Two seperate thoughts that I found interesting. First I just find it interesting to hear people pronouncing February correctly. Regionally here it never happens. Also maybe a regional thing is the phone number. Would you naturally read it as fiftytwo with just numbers? Ads around here tend to read the number five two and then fiftytwo on the repeat. I also wanted to hate the laugh but it grew on me. Great stuff!

Great comments - you are correct. It's not easy. I think you did a fantastic job sounding natural for most of it. A couple spots felt a bit commercially read but that is being fussy. This isn't an easy script to sound natural on and it's a very fine line. I think you did a good job. It will all come together. Good work - I absolutely love the warmth, smile and friendliness you offered for this script