I really liked your read actually. It is a kind of "salesy" script and I had the same problem... but I think you still sound authentic. There are a couple of points that I noticed might be worth looking at. First was that you had pauses when you listed things. You'd say the first item (trainers/ scholarships), pause, and then blast through the rest. It also sounded like you were running out of air after Thorton. Last, and this really isn't a critique I just think it's kind of funny, you correctly pronounced February. That's not something you hear in my area often. All in all, I think you did a fantastic job!

Great notes my friend. You have beautiful clarity but it's almost too articulate making it a bit artificial. And you are correct this sounds most commercial like in it's delivery. This is to be expected at this level in your training so that's okay. Lets face it, this is written as a commercial so it's going to sound like one unless you guys learn how to fight that. It will come. Loved your pace - thought you did a great job of taking your time. It's coming along nicely - good notes