Future Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Future Diary Abridged)
RaymondMarkBenito for Yukiteru Amano
The protagonist of this abridged episode. Yuki is a coward who is just trying to get through his day while avoiding the advances of your normal, everyday stalker. He is thrown into a death game unknowingly where he uses his phone to predict the future to get an advantage over his opponents. The problem is, every participant has a power like that!
We are looking for a cowardly/socially-awkward type of tone for him.
P.S. It's cause-ality, guys.
(Realizing, then stupidly happy) Wait a second I have the powers of causality at my whim… What should I do with it? CHEAT AT MATH!! YAY!!!!
(Running away, terrified) A hot girl is chasing me! I can’t believe that 4chan chain post was right! The hottest girl in school is trying to kill me with calculus!
If I had to pick anything out in particular I would say that you might try thinking about your pacing in the first line. You do an interesting sort of pace with your first take but then you repeat it on take 2 and 3. I would take advantage of the fact that you can give different kinds of reads in the the other takes. Your second line was much better though. There was a sense of goofy urgency. Nice work!
Thank you for the compliment and the feedback, very much appreciated. May I ask for clarification when you say 1st line? Do you mean the 'Causality' line? And by 2nd do you mean the 'Calculus' line?
Yeah 1st line causality and 2nd line calculus. Also I edited my feedback so it would be a little clearer.
Thank you! I think I'll resubmit.