MLP Fanfiction Audiobook: "Mythic Dawn" by MagnetBolt
rachel tempalski for Phantasma Gloom
Rather subdued, mostly due to her childhood and iffy heritage. Has been bullied and ostracized for most of her life and generally distrusted by most ponies outside the School of Friendship, she tends to carry herself and talk in a way that hopefully does not attract attention and even in dialogue where she's at ease, she remains somewhat subdued.
Approx. 3000 words total.
“No, no, they’re really great!” Phantasma assured her. “Actually I’m pretty new at the school, and it’s just hard figuring out how to talk to ponies. This is the most I’ve talked to a pony in… in… practically forever!” She laughed nervously. “Sorry. I’m probably being weird or creepy…”
"And that’s not even the worst thing…”
[“What was the worst thing?”]
“Every year, they celebrate the Crystal Faire, everypony in the Empire coming together in love and harmony. It empowers the Crystal Heart and protects the Crystal Empire and every single year I spent the Faire in bed with a fever so high they thought I might die. And you know why? Because the Crystal Heart repels evil, and somewhere deep inside, that means me!”
Phantasma tapped her chin. “Or they didn’t want to live in a tent. I’ve gone camping a few times and it’s not as fun as you’d think. Especially in the frozen north. Mostly you just stay near the campfire and hope the other foals don’t put rocks in the snowballs they throw at you.”
In all honesty, I do think it could be a lot better. It sounds like you're not quite comfortable with your voice, and you seem to stumble between a narratorish voice and a conversational voice. The good news is, practice will almost certainly help in that regard - I like to believe it's helped me.
thank you for the feedback im gonna work even harder
I might suggest picking out short stories you like and recording them by yourself - that way, when you're reading dialogue yourself to yourself and narrated by yourself for good measure, it might help you get a better vibe for the flow of a conversational tone, and then you can call up that particular, let's call it reflex when you need it.