Ever read a thread of negative Yelp reviews and wonder, "Do people like this actually exist"? In association with the Chicago-based production company Boomstick Entertainment, I am presenting a podcast in the style of old time radio plays that brings such characters---er, "real people"--- to life. What I am looking for is a core cast of versatile performers who can really feed into the absurdity and outrage of internet discussion threads and the people who spearhead them. Primarily, we are looking for those who can voice more than one character, as this will be an ongoing series. For that reason, this is an abbreviated list that explores the general range of characters to be portrayed during the podcast's run. While I will provide descriptions of how I want each character's set of lines read, feel free to surprise me and go a separate direction creatively. When submitting, please label your .mp3 or .wav sample as "YourName_CharacterName" (ex: "John_Comic Nerd").
Go for a middle-aged, paranoid man, scrawny in stature and unlucky in disposition.
I was bombarded, nay, accosted by seven different "Best Buy Blue Shirts" asking me if I "had any questions" or if I "was finding what I was looking for", all within a four-minute time span!
After the seventh obviously bored employee harassed me, I gently put back the car charger I was about to purchase and made a bee-line exit for my car.
...I wasn't being hunted, salivated, and circled upon by the "Geek Squad Vultures".
A gruff and tough father who won't pay more than what anything is worth. Think Red Forman from "That '70s Show".
We didn't sign up for no stinking extended warranty. We are not extended warranty kind of people!
If we can't squeeze more than one year of use out of that little tablet, you need to stop selling crappy products to people.
Don't make me avenge those poor hapless old people by forcing me to borrow my daughter's pink Schwinn, put on my black pajamas and Richard Nixon mask and ride over the bridge to smear fecal matter all over the front windows at 3:30 in the morning.
A well-to-do suburbanite obviously accustomed to getting whatever she wants. Go for nasally, verging on Midwestern.
Worst customer service! The elder lady in customer service is very rude. I try to be nice to her but she is just rude out of her mind. Just stay home, ma'am!
Sassy and impatient, hints of Chicago dialect.
I was ready to blow up! But calmed myself down and just walked around to look for the laptops myself and found three, not two, as the blonde with the integrated stock system in her non-existent brain had told me.
I wonder how many more customers walked away from shopping with this "awesome" blonde search bot!
Can be either male or female. Spoiled rich teenager type.
How hard can it be to make a taco? I just bought 3 Doritos Locos Tacos, and they were all broken and soggy. I would normally go someplace else, but I was starving! Next time I'll just starve.
Very sarcastic, has a "tell it like it is" nature about her.
Be prepared to complete your stressful, busy day with a mystery bite of what you expect to be a vegetarian seven-layer burrito, but is actually stuffed with boiling hot spicy meat.
It's honestly really SO EXCITING contemplating how a chicken quesadilla somehow became a cheesy beefy five layer.
Laid back, somewhat stand-up comedian-esque.
Talk about sketchy clientele. One fella in line is trying to sell me bootleg movies while this other guy outside is taking off his belt, threatening to give someone a "beat down".
A no-nonsense tough cookie. Possibly an employee of corporate working as an undercover shopper.
What the hell is wrong with you? You had only one job you motherfucking low life! One job!
We tried to call and no one even bothered to answer. Fire this reject, there are other people who want his job, I'm sure!
Whoever the hell was working skipped out on the cheese in the gordita!
A blunt kindergartner easily bored with what grown ups find interesting.
They checked tickets three times and we had to wait too long for the cruise.
I do not know why people stand long in front of a broken toilet or super small sad cell and keep looking!
For God's sake, what is so interesting about broken windows and toilets?
Can be male or female (hence the two spellings). Clearly a disgruntled elderly person loyal to the infamous commander-in-chief.
After seeing Dolly Parton on the Emmys bashing MY president, I would never ever set foot in Dollywood. So disrespectful!
Can be male or female. Play it as a Forrest Gump type: candid but generally unfazed.
They do not allow you to bring in food or drinks...but the upside is that the water is free.
We saw a lot of butt-crack throughout the day, have no explanation for that one...
The buffet tasted like all the food had been poured out of an industrial sized can and warmed in a microwave.
Can be male or female. Use a Brooklyn accent, but nothing too over-the-top. Think New York-based comedian.
I was hoping for at least one Dolly Parton impersonator. A drag queen, a grandma, an anything!
Oh...now there's a cartoon butterfly? Oh! Now there are THREE cartoon butterflies? Wasn't one enough? And that girl is still spinning, trying to channel her best Laura Ingalls.
Did I mention that saccharin is made from the tears of those who watch this movie?
