HOMESTUCK: Project Balderdash (PART I)
Project Overview
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Nannasprite is John's prototyped sprite, created by fusing one of Dad Egbert's harlequins with the ashes of John's dearly departed nanna. Essentially your basic kind, elderly grandmother, she should have a voice that suggests kindness, fun, and the inherent insanity of Sburb.
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: A computer? Why, what is that, dear? Some newfangled contraption, like the horseless auto-boxcar?
NANNASPRITE: But needless to say, where a realm of such profound importance is concerned, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, while forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction!
Jaspersprite is Rose's prototyped sprite, brought into ungodly, Cthulian being as a result of Rose prototyping the taxidermied body of her dead cat, Jaspers, with an eldritch princess doll. Jaspersprite should sound innocent, eccentric, and ethereal, with all the affection for his owner that befits a beloved pet.
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr purr.
JASPERSPRITE: Rose did you get to do any of the things that are important to your quest that i said?
JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost.
Put short, Aradia Megido is a young lady who has been killed entirely too many times by the madness of Sburb. Once upon a time, Aradia was happy, adventurous, and mostly normal, but death and subsequently being transplanted into a robot and then a sprite has since changed that. In the past and in God Tier, Aradia acts more or less like her normal self; as a ghost and a sprite, though, she sounds appropriately dull and depressed, and as a robot should sound flat and monotone.
ARADIA: i look at death a lot differently than most
ARADIA'S GHOST: and already would have been
ARADIA'S GHOST: if we all werent already deadARADIABOT: im completely done with this
Sweet and shy, with a terrible tendency to associate with exactly the wrong people, Tavros is about the closest thing a troll can get to being the antithesis of a troll. Though he's been known to try his best to be cool and hardcore like most trolls, Tavros just isn't terribly good at it, and usually ends up coming across as more hilarious than badass. He speaks with something of a stutter and possesses exactly zero self esteem (perhaps lower), and should have an uncertain, innocent quality to his voice.
TAVROS: sOMEONE SAID I SHOULD GIVE MY SELF-ESTEEM A NAME,TAVROS: aND BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY, tO MAKE SURE I DON'T HURT HIS FEELINGS,
TAVROS: oKAY,TAVROS: i'M SORT OF, llYING ON VRISKA'S FLOOR RIGHT NOW,TAVROS: lIKE, iN HER BLOCKTAVROS: lYING DOWN,TAVROS: uHH, yOU KNOW, bECAUSE I CAN'T WALK,
TAVROS: oH YES, sEE THE FUNNY THING IS, i ALSO KILLED MY LUSUS BY ACCIDENT,TAVROS: i MEAN, mY LUSUS WAS A LITTLE FAIRY BULL, nOT AN OLD MAN WITH A HUGE GUN,
Sollux is arguably the perfect image of a nerd. Just as intelligent as he is an insufferable smartass, Sollux is introverted, speaks with an absurdly stereotypical "th" lisp (which he eventually loses), and often addresses others with a derisive, deadpan tone. He may or may not be bipolar, swinging easily between focused interest and flippant dismissal.
SOLLUX: dude ii diid NOT thiink youd be iintere2ted iin thii2 dont act all offended.
SOLLUX: and now we're fuckiing riich.SOLLUX: 2o ii gue22 you could 2ay...SOLLUX: they're the numeral2 of the bliind profiit2.
SOLLUX: what2 wor2e than yellow?SOLLUX: fuck thii2 confu2iing ca2te 2y2tem.SOLLUX: anyway 2crew you, iim playiing thii2 game riight now.
What some might argue to be the personification of drama, Karkat Vantas is loud, loquacious, and seemingly riveted to a perpetual state of disdainful rage, all at least partially related to his abysmal standing in troll society. Beneath the surface, Karkat is what one might consider a sap: loyal, supportive, and at least something of a romantic. His voice should be rough and dramatic, and all interested parties must be comfortable with the idea of violently peaking their microphones.
KARKAT: ONCE AGAIN, THE DECISIONS PERTAINING TO HUMAN ROMANCE REMAIN STUNNINGLY SIMPLE.KARKAT: AND YET I STILL HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.KARKAT: NOW GO HASSLE YOUR FUTURE MATESPRITS AND LEAVE THE TROLL GIRLS ALONE.
KARKAT: I DON'T TRUST HIM, JADE, I'M TELLING YOU. HE IS A STAB HAPPY PLANET EXPLODING ASSHOLE.
KARKAT: OK, WELL THIS IS A PRETTY CRAPPY FAREWELL, BUT I GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO DO SINCE THERE IS SOME SERIOUSLY SHOW-STOPPING SHIT TRANSPIRING UP THERE IN FUCKING OUTER SPACE.KARKAT: LATER JADE, I'M GOING TO GO MAKE SURE JOHN KNOWS WHAT THE HELL HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.
Some might describe Nepeta as the living definition of teeth-rotting cuteness. Happy and energetic, with a fairly prominent tomboy streak, Nepeta is a badass hunter who just happens to have an adorable face, an adorable cat motif, and ideally an adorable bubbly, almost childlike voice to match. Applicants must be willing to pepper their speech patterns with cat noises (i.e. trilled r's when saying the word "purr").
NEPETA: she is refurring to the fact that derse was just destroyed tooNEPETA: i saw him during my catnap, he blew it right on up!
NEPETA: what does gr33n blood even mean! it doesnt mean anything to me and it shouldnt mean anything to anyone else!
NEPETA: i dont kill anything i dont eat, that would be mean
Graceful, poised, and fabulously gay, Kanaya is the pinnacle of style. Though mostly perfectly in control, Kanaya has been known to fluster easily and take headfirst dives straight into adorkable. Possessed of a loving and motherly nature, Kanaya should have a voice that is soft and gentle, with an undercurrent of soothing calmness. English accent is optional; if you can do an especially convincing one, go for it, but leaving it out won't hurt your chances.
KANAYA: They Then Proceeded To Have One Of The Most Ambiguously Rated Rap Offs In The History of Paradox Space While I Stood By And Regarded It Neutrally
KANAYA: Will You Please Talk Some Sense Into Your Idiot FriendsKANAYA: So That We May Proceed To Bother Them All On More Rational Terms
KANAYA: NoKANAYA: See Im Explaining This BadlyKANAYA: All Im Saying Is BasicallyKANAYA: JustKANAYA: Fuck That Guy
As once was said by Suyin Beifong, Vriska is...a complicated person. On the surface, she's as troll as can be: cruel, derisive, unstable, and frankly murderous, having had more than one experience with killing before the start of the story. Beneath that, though, is someone a lot harder to define - a young woman who quietly hates what she is and wants nothing more than to be accepted and to live a normal life, harboring a surprising amount of concern for the trolls she calls her companions. Vriska should have a suave, charismatic voice that can swing easily between mockingly derisive, stunningly dramatic, and surprisingly mellow and sensitive.
VRISKA: Karkat! Man, you were our for a long time. I have made so many plans for these humans while you were asleep. Do you know how many plans have been made?
VRISKA: Fly, Pupa!!!!!!!! Flyyyyyyyy!
VRISKA: You don't have to 8e alive to make yourself relevant.VRISKA: And you don't have to 8e a good person to 8e a hero.VRISKA: You just have to know who you are and stay true to that.VRISKA: So I'm going to keep fighting for people the only way I ever knew how.VRISKA: 8y 8eing me.
If Sollux is the model nerd, then Equius is the model basement-dwelling Redditor. Gifted with truly cosmic strength and a mind for engineering, Equius is equal parts off-puttingly awkward and off-puttingly societally conservative, prone to spectacularly uncomfortable episodes of profuse sweating when in the presence of any remotely uncomfortable subject matter. His voice should be deep and deliberate, but ready to dive squarely into flustered awkwardness at any moment.
EQUIUS: This is f001ishness upon one hundred thousand prior, equally unsolicited f001ishnesses
EQUIUS: I think I should get a towelEQUIUS: I'm perspiring heavily again
EQUIUS: This isEQUIUS: Impropriety of a caliber I cannot even
EQUIUS: It's
EQUIUS: You are as low on the hemospectrum as possible
EQUIUS: To consider that someone so low could be in a position of authority over me is
EQUIUS: It's just so
EQUIUS: Disgusting
Though he may appear to be little more than a harmless stoner on the surface, Gamzee Makara is a beast far more dangerous. When medicated with the rough equivalent of troll weed, Gamzee is mellow, lazy, and as friendly and jovial as can be - but once sober, he turns into what can only be describe as a cosmic horror, a split personality made up of exactly one half of John Wayne Gacy's unsettling sociopathy and one half of Jim Jones' raging, firebreathing fanaticism. Gamzee's voice should reflect this: rough and charismatic, with a tendency to swing between lovable oafishness, unsettling blankness, and bellowing fire and brimstone.
GAMZEE: YoU jUsT gOt To Be GoInG wItH wHaT fEeLs RiGhT aT wHeRe YoUr HeArT's Up In, YoU kNoW?GAMZEE: bEsT fRiEnD.
GAMZEE: MaN eVeRyWhErE i LoOk...GAMZEE: aLlS i SeE iS mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS.
GAMZEE: and now, i'm the last one, so i finally motherfuckin understand.GAMZEE: I FINALLY GOT MY MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTAND ON TO WHO THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS ARE.GAMZEE: they were always both me. :o)GAMZEE: AND ALSO MOTHERFUCKING ME. Do:GAMZEE: and now.GAMZEE: AND MOTHERFUCKING NOW.GAMZEE: i am going to motherfuckin kill all you motherfuckers.GAMZEE: I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
On the surface, Eridan is pure hipster. Haughty and pretentious, he regards most everyone and everything with the same sense of uncompromising, self-important disdain - a disdain that, much like Vriska's flippant callousness, hides miles and miles of insecurities under the surface. In truth, Eridan is bitter, resentful, and self-loathing, with an absolutely devouring desperation for affection. He should have a haughty drawl of a voice, able to swing down into unhappy introspection, with the unusual speaking quirk of doubling his v's and w's, making the former sound like w's and the latter sound like w's spoken underwater.
ERIDAN: bein a kid and growwing upERIDAN: its hard and nobody understands
ERIDAN: she is a cunnin and treacherous sort trust me i knoww her type
ERIDAN: wwhat an awwful thing a you to sayERIDAN: MAGIC ISNT REAL STUPID STOP BELIEVVIN IN IT
If nothing else, Feferi Peixes is not the sort of person you can fault for a lack of good intentions. Cheerful, bubbly (ha), and boundlessly optimistic - some might say naively so - Feferi is a reformist at heart and something of a hopeless visionary, personality traits all wildly out of step with the usual inclinations of fuschia-blooded trolls. Nevertheless, despite being generally humble for a troll of such noble birth, Feferi has been known to occasionally come across as rude and condescending, and some might consider her endless, almost frenetic cheer a little off-putting. Her voice should be happy and energetic, with an undercurrent of regal, well-spoken bearing and maybe even a singsong note - almost like a slightly more manic version of Ariel.
FEFERI: Our moons are gone too. If we wis) ( to sleep now, our dreams must take place in t) (e bubbles glubbed by t) (e gods w) (o live in t) (e Furt) (est Ring.
FEFERI: ) (oly mackerel! Looks like SOM-EON-E woke up on t) (e wrong side of t) (e absurd ) (uman bed!
FEFERI: ) (e's pretty ) (armless, really. You get used to his yelling.FEFERI: I do not even process it as yelling anymore. More like a lot of blubbering.FEFERI: More blubber spills out of that mout) ( than a gas) ( in a poac) (ed w) (ale.
The author's stunningly, hilariously shameless self-insert. Sort of a gadfly, Hussie's entire contribution to the comic can perhaps best be described as "miscellaneous shenanigans". His voice should be comically flat and deadpan, perfectly suited for snarky deliveries - in other words, as close to the real Hussie as is physically possible.
Bring me a horse and I am yours forever.
I probably should have confiscated his knife before I gave him these super fast robot arms. My god is he frisky with these things.
Aw fuck who am I kidding magic is fake as shit.
Arguably the only character hated by absolutely nobody in the fandom, WV is a tenacious little carapacian initially found wandering the ruins of a post-apocalyptic desert planet. Not blessed with a terribly earth-shattering amount of lines, WV's voice should reflect his status as Homestuck's most beloved, most adorable mayoral spelunker.
the master thief! is that who you are talking to now, john?
i don't like the gray text knight. it is an unpleasant human
john, stop talking to the gray text not human immediately.
The amazingly volatile leader of the Midnight Crew, Slick can perhaps best be described as the galaxy's most cosmically badass Mafioso. He is violent, ill-tempered, and not terribly tactical, but somehow manages to be frighteningly effective regardless. Should sound rough and snappish; stereotypical New York/Chicago gangster accent is optional.
Soon these lugs will learn to show you some respect. You made this town what it is after all. Wasn't nothin' but but a bunch of dust and rocks before you got here.
Thank god. Your precious SCOTTY DOGS are still here. You don't know what you'd do without them. You don't even want to think about it.
He still won't shut up. He doesn't seem to care about the wound. He's just going on and on about the freakish color of his blood. He doesn't want you to look at it. Just look away, he says.
You've got to admit. Now you're curious.
The rest of Slick's crew, consisting of Clubs Deuce, Diamonds Droog, and Hearts Boxcars. Deuce is simple and childlike, going about his job impersonally; Droog is ruthless and efficient, but the model of professionalism; and Boxcars (alias the Hegemonic Brute) is surly and short-tempered...as well as gigantic. These fine folks aren't exactly gifted with a lot of lines, so go with whatever voices seem right for their personalities. As always, stereotypical gangster accents are welcome.
DEUCE: You got it. Clubs Deuce it is. You have opened your BATTLEDROBE in search of your BACKUP HAT. You also need some ROPE to retie Doze, who is absolutely tearing through the mansion as we speak. If you don't hurry, he may clear the chair within the hour.
DROOG: You suddenly remember you are Diamonds Droog. Whoever took your hat is about to discover he is the unluckiest man on earth. He better hope you find him dead. What you're gonna do to him will be much less painful that way.
BOXCARS: You stop not being Hearts Boxcars. You have made your way to the Felt's SECRET VAULT. It's bigger than you were expecting. You doubt you will be able to rely on your usual safe-cracking method, which is prying it from the wall with your bare hands. You'll have to think of something else.
The Narrator is...well, the Narrator. Mostly a fairly self-explanatory role, this Narrator may very well be the snarkiest being in the entire comic. Must be willing to voice a metric cosmic fuckton of lines in an amusing deadpan.
A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2009, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! What will the name of this young man be?-->ZOOSMELL POOPLORD-->TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS.
And there it goes. It is RIDICULOUS what kind of air this thing is getting. Dude come get the ruler check this out. Yeah, it's not coming back.
You switch to PICTIONARY, a choice based on a strong whim from the mysterious ethers of democracy.
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